mailman

That darn mailman has been messing with my JOY this week. Okay, so it's not really the mailman's fault but he's the one that I'm blamin' for the purpose of this post.


I wondered if we would receive Christmas cards this year. I cut my outgoing list down DRAMATICALLY and since we rarely hear from our old friends and family I wasn't expecting cards. But, to my surprise (and I'm not sure that it's a good surprise), we are receiving a few cards a day. Each day I am finding myself feeling like I was punched in the stomach and knocked down as I open the cards.

On Monday I received a card from a cousin that lives across the country and with whom I am not at all close with. She had a baby boy a week after Nate was born. I knew that it would be hard to open her card and see what Nate would look like at 21 months. It ended up being even harder when I opened the card to see that she already has ANOTHER baby boy!!!!  Boy did that one sting.


Then yesterday, I opened a card from my SIL. Let me preface this by saying that I hold nothing against her personally. She couldn't have known. But her card said "wishing you"...and then her kids were wearing shirts with a J-O-Y on them. This past year, I have been working so HARD on finding JOY again. I am finally at the place where I am living it and sharing it. So that's what I put on my card. "Wishing you JOY this Christmas". I haven't mailed mine out and there's no way that she could have known. But I still feel like "that's mine"! I'm the one that has worked so hard and I've earned that sentiment. 


Now I realize that my feelings are well, let's just say lame. I know that. But I'm still feeling them and fighting them. I guess I haven't really earned my JOY claim. Maybe I should be the one to change my card.  UGH!!!


Then today, another card from another family member that said hurtful things and then walked away. It was a family photo that included another baby boy. Oh, it's so hard to see all of these happy families with their beautiful babies. It just makes my heart ache for Nate!!!!

I know that for the next 2 weeks the cards will arrive.  Some will be nice.  Some will be thoughtful and some will sting.  I don't want them to but I know that they will. 

I'm focusing on this verse today because I feel weak:

My gracious favor is all you need.  My power works best in your weakness.  So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me.

2 Cor 12:9


*** as a side note, I had my Christmas card finished and printed but it didn't feel "right". So, I've decided to add Nate's name to it and say "in loving memory". I just can't bring myself to leave him out. He's part of our family and I don't care what people think. I'll post it when it's done.