Last year, I was in a miserable place. Last year my heart was so broken that it was barely beating. I was so sad that I was begging God to strike me down because I didn't want to get up. I hated my life and I really wanted to die. The pain was just too much for any sane person to handle. I didn't want to go through Christmas without Nate. After all, Christmas is about the birth of a baby boy. And my baby boy wasn't here. It was supposed to be his first Christmas. We were supposed to be watching him crawl around and tear open the presents. We were supposed to take our annual family photo and he was supposed to be in it.
I was determined to create a card last year because it was my only opportunity to have him in it. It was his one and only appearance on our Christmas card. So, I did what I could to honor him and I was happy with the way that it turned out. I decided not to do a mass mailing. Most people probably thought that I didn't even do a card. I only handed them out to people that took the time to be with us. That wasn't very many people. So I wanted to share it with you.
Christmas 2008
If Nate would have lived, life would have been hard because there is a chance that we would have been in the hospital for his heart defect. But it never would have been this hard. This pain is truly unimaginable.
Last year, we were so alone. No one had time for us. We watched as all our old friends and family chased their tales around during the month of December. I remember thinking how ridiculous it looked and I knew for certain that I used to do the same things.
- Rushing around to buy the perfect presents for everyone I knew at the best price possible.
- Spending hours making sure that my house was perfectly decorated.
- Going to every single party and event that we were invited to.
- Addressing and mailing Christmas cards to 200 of my closest friends and family.
- Making homemade hot fudge to give to the neighbors.
- Making homemade quiches that I would deliver to friends.
- Making dozens and dozens and dozens of Christmas cookies for entertaining family.
I was so busy that I didn't even allow myself the time to enjoy my family or the true reason for Christmas. I was so busy that I didn't realize that I was missing out on what I really wanted my life to be about. God and family.
Last year I realized who I was and who I wanted to be (okay so I'm still figuring that one out). Last year I sat back and only did the minimum of everything. I didn't want to decorate or bake or shop or wrap. So, I only did what was necessary for my kids. I focused on them and let everything else go. It was good. I needed that. It was a sad Christmas but I liked the simplicity of it all. I hope that I never go back to my old way of celebrating Christmas. It was about all the Christmas stuff. I like it better now that it's all about my family and the meaning of Christmas.
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6 comments:
How ironic that you typed a post today about your Christmas card last year? I am sitting here RIGHT NOW trying to make mine PERFECT, since this is the one and only card Jillian will be on as well....I was having mixed feelings on what to do, what which picture to chose...I am putting a lot of pressure on myself to get it just right, and I know it will be! I also feel like we are so busy with all the things you listed, that I think this year, I also realize that simplicity is best. So slow down, and enjoy the time as a family, and make this the best Christmas we can.....which is hard when one member of our family isn't physically here. Thanks for your post!
Beautiful card! Thinking of you, your family and sweet Nate.
I love your card.. I didnt' get my cards out last year.. I think I"m going to send them with this years.. Also, I almost intend to put Seth on the card every year anyway.. I have a friend who signs her cards "Love from Heaven & Earth" and includes her lost child. I love that. Even though I iknow my family will freak out.
Last year's Christmas was similar for us but we were blessed to be "adopted" and it was a good Christmas for the kids, gift wise. This year will be harder as finances hae taken a hit but it's forcing us to simplify and I do like that also..
I haven't been a great "bloggy friend" as of late becuase I've been struggling myself.. i hope to be around more..
Beautifully said Trisha. I can relate so well to this post as last year would have been Calvin's first Christmas also. This year will be simpler, quieter, more focused on family than ever. I want it that way. I need to remember the most important reasons for celebrating Christmas are not the "things", but rather my own children and husband. I will always miss my son's presence at Christmas, but I have a renewed focus now which I believe was a gift from him to me. Sending you hugs
Christmas last year was a fog, im not sure i really remember it. I do remember wishing it was over. THis year i need to make it special for my girls. We are going to come together as a family and know that LIvvy like Nate will be joining us. The real meaning if christmas reminds me that my daughter is safe in the arms of Jesus until i get to hold her again. xx
Trisha, I love the card you created for Christmas last year. It's beautiful. I'm glad you wrote this post because it makes you realize that all that stuff-shopping, presents, parties-doesn't really matter in the big picture. What matters is love and family and our Lord. He is what the season is all about.
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