look what I won!

I was so excited to learn that I won this awesome handknit scarf and 2 hats on Lynnette's blog (Lynnette Kraft - Dancing Barefoot on Weathered Ground).  

After I won, Alexis contacted me and let pick my own colors and design.  She has a wonderful etsy store with lots of beautiful items. 

I received my package this week (she was super fast) and it was so fun to unwrap.  Though I must admit that my hubby looked at me with the "what did you buy now look" when it arrived.  It felt like my birthday when I opened it!!!!  Thank you Lynnette and Alexis.  I will wear my cute hats and scarf with a huge smile on my face.

Go check it out and order some stuff.  You will love it all!

http://www.etsy.com/shop/crochetcrazy9603

unexpected stillness

I've been trying to wrap my head around this whole "stillness" thing.  It's very outside of my box so I didn't even know where to begin.  Honestly, I can't even sit still when I'm watching TV at night.  I'm always folding clothes, doing sit ups or pushups or some other random thing.  There are always so many things to do and so little time that I don't allow myself to "be still".

This weekend I got sick.  I woke up on Saturday with a sore throat, headache and slight fever.  My plans of spending the day with the family at Disneyland were in question.  I really wanted to go because we are expecting 7+ days of straight rain and I wanted to be outside before we were forced in for the week.  Normally, I would go anyway and just feel yucky.  I even showered and got dressed.  But this day was different.  This day I reluctantly made a decision to take the day off.  To be still.

What I didn't expect was how much I would enjoy the simplicity and "stillness" of the day.  I layed on the couch and my sweet hubby took care of the kids and the housework.  I didn't know that he had it in him but to my surprise, the whole world didn't fall apart when I took a day off.  It was so nice.  I played games with my kids (I'm really good at Princess Memory now), watched football and just chilled.  Instead of the day flying by like it normally does... it lasted.

On Sunday, I was feeling better and was able to return to my Mom duties but I decided to try to keep it simple.  For the second day in a row, we didn't leave the house.  The kids were pretty much in their pj's all weekend.  They didn't even get a single bath or shower!  They loved it and so did I.

So, thank you Lord for bringing sickness upon me and showing me what it's like to be still.  I'm definitely going to try and incorporate more of that into my life.

surrendering

Be still and know that I am God

Psalm 46:10

What I am doing is not working for me.  My life is not where I want it to be.  I am not where I want to be.  I feel stuck.  I have tried everything that I know...without success.  I am certain that there is something that God wants to teach me.  Some lesson that I am supposed to learn.  I don't believe that He will allow my life to move forward until I learn it.  For months I've been begging and pleading with Him to let me know what it is.  I can't fix it if I don't know what it is -- right?

My thoughts and actions of late have been consumed and motivated by things that I want:  What relationships I want in my life...what I want my family to look like...how I can protect my kids.  I've come to realize that they should be consumed and motivated by what God wants for my life.  What relationships that He wants me to have... the family that He has planned for me... His protection over my kids.

He put me on this Earth for a reason.  He has a plan for me.  When I am consumed with myself, I am not focused on Him.  That needs to change. 

For the last couple of months, I have been spending time each and every day in The Bible.  I thought that would be enough.  I thought that if I spent time with God every day He would know that I am aligning my will with His.  That He would know that I am trying. 

I am not being honest with either Him or myself.  Yes, I am trying -- there is no doubt about that.  But it's only half-hearted.  I haven't really allowed myself to fully let go.  To release the control over my life that I think that I have...but I really don't. 

I've been internally debating about how to approach my life.  There are two thoughts on this. 

• The first choice and the most comfortable way for me, is to take leaps of faith.  To step off the edge and know that God is there to catch me.  To ACT. 

• The other thought that I am not comfortable with is that of waiting on the Lord.  I've never been good at this doing this so I rarely do.  I'm a type A control freak that wants to get somewhere...anywhere but where I am now.  I always want to be moving forward in one way or another.  Patience is a virtue that I'm not sure I have.

Upon reflection, this may be the lesson that God has been trying to teach me.  To be STILL in the moment of life that I am in and KNOW that God is leading me.  This is certainly not going to be easy for me.  But this is what I am going to do.  Wish me luck!!!!

postponed

Thank you to all of you that have been praying for Katie.  Her blood test results showed that her body is not ready for the intense treatment this week.  So, it has been postponed until next Wednesday.  She is thrilled to have another week of "feeling good" and having fun!

Prayers for Katie

Please pray for my daughter's friend, Katie this month.  In July, she was diagnosed with stage 3 Neuroblastoma and since then has successfully completed 6 rounds of chemotherapy.  Tomorrow, this sweet 9 year old girl starts her 2nd stage of treatment -- and it's a rough one.  Here's what her dad posted on their site:


The stem cell chemo is a very high dose of 3 chemicals given to her over a 4 day period. The scary part is what happens in the following days/weeks.​ Because of the high toxicity, her body will begin to "crash" on about the 2nd or 3rd day after the chemo IV's have completed. Her own stem cells that were harvested from her will be given back to her to help "rescue" her body from the poison she just received. Without this rescue, her body may begin to shut down. She may even require a second unit of her stem cells. Even with it, her blood counts in most of the critical areas will be at or near zero. She will be on Morphine for the pain and they have told us there will be days that the doctors will just recommend drugs to make her sleep so she doesn't have to endure the pain. Mouth sores will be back as well. They will also be monitoring her liver for veno-occlus​ive disease (VOD) because there is a real chance of this for her. The mortality rate of patients going through this is... well let's not go there.



Tue, 1/12 - another bone marrow aspiration (under anesthesia)​



Wed, 1/13 - admittanc​e to the isolation ward to begin hydration


Th​ur, 1/14 - chemo starts


21-28​ (plus or minus) days later - home again and recovery

Please keep praying for Katie.  I know what it's like to bury a child and I don't want her parents to know this truth.  They deserve to bring her home and watch her grow up.  We all deserve that.

award and 7 things...

Thank you to Holly for giving me this special award.  This is my second award and it feels good to be honored in this way.  Especially since today has been a little rocky.

The rules for this award are that I am supposed to share 7 things about myself and then send the award to 7 people.  I am not one to break the rules but I already typed my entire post up and then when I was trying to paste the award onto it...I lost everything.  So, now I'm starting over and I'm on borrowed time with school about to be out, soccer practice and then bible study.  So...I'll do what I can.

7 things that you may not know (or want to know) about me:

1.   I have known my husband since I was 12 years old.  We went to the same Jr. High and High School but didn't start dating until we went to separate colleges.  And no, I never imagined that we would end up married.

2.  I was a competitive gymnast as a kid and then I was a cheerleader in high school then college and I worked for UCA and travelled around teaching cheer camps to high school kids.

3.  I have a Bachelor's degree in Communication from Cal State University Long Beach and a Masters in Business Administration from Pepperdine University.  At present I am not using either (though it does come in handy trying to help my 11 year old daughter with her Algebra homework).

4.  I absolutely LOVE Diet Coke but try to limit myself to 1 or less a day.  Usually I am successful but today I had 2.

5.  I am a quasi-photographer.  Admittedly self taught but I used to have a decent business going until Nathan died.  I've lost most of my clients and I don't really want to pursue photographing babies so business is slow.  I need to start working again to help out financially.  One day, I hope to volunteer at our local hospital so that I can take pictures for families that experience the death of a baby.  I took pictures for a friend whose baby died at 36 weeks years ago and I hope to be able to do that for others as well.

6.  I am your typical first born type A personality.  I struggle with not being able to control things, situations...okay basically everything.  This is why Nate's death has been particularly hard.  I work on the premise (albeit false) that if I do A...then B will happen.  We did A...but then Nate still died.  Turning it over to God is a work in progress for me.  It's not in my nature, but I'm trying.  I'm trying really hard.

7.  I am forever changed since Nate's death.  I am more insecure and vulnerable now.  But, I also have a deeper appreciation for life, friends and family.  My perspective has grown as well as my compassion.  I have faced more sadness and heartache than most people my age but I also have a greater awareness of pain and joy (in both myself and others).  It's an expensive ticket to ride my roller coaster.  I would have never purchased one.  But, now that I am on it, I will make it to the end and I will find joy before it's over.

3 blogs that I want to honor (I wish that I had time for more)

1.  Christy
Christy's life parallels mine in many ways.  I feel a connection with her and I know her pain well.

2.  Courtney
Courtney is a sweet blogging friend who also has a son named Nate up in Heaven.  She is also the one who encouraged me to start my blog and helped me set it up.

3.  Angie
Angie has given me so much encouragement these past few months and I appreciate it more than she will ever know.


I wish that I had time for more.  If you haven't visited their blogs, please pop over and say hello. 

welcoming 2010

Happy New Year!!

We decided to do something that we have never done before to ring in the New Year.  We went to The Rose Parade.  It's only 1 hour from here so we thought that we'd give it a try.  We thought that you had to camp out on the street for days in advance.  But as it turns out...we left our house at 8am and didn't have a problem finding parking or a spot to watch the parade.  It turned out to be a great experience.  It's so cool to actually see a parade that I've been watching on TV all of my life.  Here's a few photos from our day:

For my Ohio friends...

If you've ever wondered what happens when a float breaks down...the parade stops too!

They actually have to get a huge semi-tow truck to pull the float the rest of the way.