...in pictures

We continued our tradition of spending Nate's birthday at Disneyland. 

It's the best option for what is a sad, sad day for us.

Once again, we had lunch at McDonald's (to commemorate our days living at The Ronald McDonald House) and then stopped by the party store to pick out our balloons.  We were excited to find "Nathan" balloons this year! 

I can't believe how much the kids have grown since we started this 3 years ago.  Now they are all writing their own thoughts and birthday wishes onto paper by themselves.  It both melts and breaks my heart to read them...

We tell Brady about his big brother all of the time.  Someday he will understand.  I thought that it would be easier to celebrate Nate's birthday this year since I had Brady to fill my arms.  It wasn't.  I love having him in my arms (trust me I rarely let him go), but It was just a constant reminder of everything that we missed with Nate.

 We sang happy birthday together as a family standing over Nate's special brick.  Tears always flow when we do this...from all of us!

Note:  Notice that my hubby is on crutches.  We have had a rough week around here with out of town travels and chaos.  Then, the night before Nate's bday, he re-injured his knee (had knee surgery last December after hurting it on Christmas Eve - yep...we got to spend Christmas Eve at the emergency room last year)!  Another surgery is scheduled for Monday - ugh!

 We let the kids release the balloons this year...

 It was a beautiful sight watching them float away into a beautiful blue sky...

... until they got stuck in the tree --ugh!!! 

The Disneyland employees promised to climb up and release them after the Park closed.  So sad that we didn't get to see them disappear into the sky.  I wonder what the thousands of Disney visitors thought as they passed by that tree on their way into the park.  I wonder if anyone knew what those balloons represented.

 We snuck another birthday cake into the park and had a little celebration in Tomorrowland.  I think Disney should allow you to bring in cakes!

 I'm sure that at 4, Nate would be loving Disney so we bought him some Mickey plates.  I know that he would have been running around everywhere with a huge smile on his face :)

We always get birthday buttons for Nate (and the other kids too). This year, Noah wanted to wear it (last year my hubby wore it). He just LOVED how all of the Disney employees would say "Happy Birthday Nathan" when they passed by.

A special family picture that will go on our calendar next year to represent the month of "March".

I got a new necklace with all 6 kids on it last month. 
Love. Love. Love.

And...I got a heart ring with Nate's initial. 
Love.  Love. Love.

Wear them both everyday...for now.

 We continued our tradition of letting the kids each select a "Micky" balloon.  They keep them in their rooms for the entire month and it's a special reminder that March belongs to Nathan.

 We did it. 
We survived another birthday. 
 It was good. 
It was sad. 
It's not the way that it should be but we're doing the best that we can given that the birthday boy lives in Heaven.

Thanks to everyone that sent us birthday wishes for Nate this week.  It means so much!  So, so much! 

Happy 4th Birthday Nathan

Dear Nathan-

I can't believe that it's been 4 years since I first saw your adorable face.  I miss you more then you could ever imagine and I would do anything to bring you back again (oh, how I wish I could make that happen).  I can only imagine what your life is like in Heaven.  I'm sure that it's amazing and I know that you are being well taken care of.  It's still hard to not have you here...especially today.

I can't wait until we meet again and I can hold you in my arms for eternity -- which still won't be long enough!  Until then, we will honor you by celebrating your birthday as a family today.  You are loved and missed by each one of us every single day...but especially today.

Happy Birthday sweet boy! 

Love,
Mommy

fixed...?

I wondered how people would treat me after I had another baby.  I wondered if they would think that the gift of another child would "fix" me.  As if a broken heart could ever be fixed.

I've been shocked at how people have responded.  I kept my pregnancy very quiet so many have been surprised over the past couple of months to see me out with a baby.  They have been overwhelmingly kind and supportive.  Many people that stayed clear and haven't talked to me since Nate died are now approaching me with kindness. 

It's weird.
Not as weird as it was after Nate died.
A different weird.

I think that part of the weirdness comes from the fact that it feels like they think that I'm "fixed" now.  That I'm back to normal and ready to embrace the lifestyle and social circle that I used to have.  I'm not.  I will never be that person again.  I don't even want to be. 

But having another baby has changed me.  I am different.  I'm not as fearful walking into social situations or school events anymore.  What once terrified me is now rarely even a worry on my radar.  Having Brady in my arms makes everything and everyone else not matter anymore.  What they say or don't say just doesn't have the same impact as it once did. 

My title has changed. 
Now I'm just a lady with a baby instead of the lady whose baby died. 
That's an easier title for society to deal with.  I'm not ignored/avoided nearly as much anymore.

Next week is Nate's birthday.  He would be turning 4.  I vividly remember getting ready to deliver him the last time that we had a "leap day" (Feb 29th) and now we're already having another one.  I can't believe it's been 4 years!  I never know what to expect emotionally with each birthday.  Each one is hard and yet a little bit healing at the same time.  It makes it easier to not have to figure out how to celebrate it.  We have a tradition and it works for our family.  We're making plans and getting ready for his special day.  So happy that Brady is with us to celebrate this year.

dear cyber bullies...

I know that you often visit me.

I am in awe that you care enough about my family and my situation to invest your time in reading my posts.

I am even more in awe that you spend your precious time writing comments to me about your thoughts and opinions.

There was once a time that your comments hurt me.  There was once a time that comments from friends and family hurt me.  I am grateful to not be in that place anymore.  For the most part, God has healed my once raw and sensitive skin.  Now, only His comments can penetrate the outer layer.  Comments and opinions from others just bounce off.

Please feel free to continue to visit my space in blog land.  Your comments will always be deleted because they are not from God and those are the only comments welcome on this blog.  But even though I don't know you or your identities, I pray for you each and every time that you comment.  I pray that whatever pain has caused you to use hurtful and destructive words to others (especially moms who have had to bury a child) will be healed.  I pray that you will receive the benefit of love and kindness from others and will one day be able to pay that forward.  Most of all, I pray that God will touch your heart and you will feel His unconditional love.

just a few...

of my favorite pics. 

 

It was really important for me to capture Brady as a newborn.  He is changing so fast.  I never got the chance to take pictures of Nate (other than in his hospital bed) so I wanted to make sure that I did that with Brady.  I took them a while ago but I have had major computer problems and wasn't able to edit them in photoshop until recently (boy did I miss having my computer!).

I have a few of him sleeping.  Typically, the sleeping baby photos are adorable.  But after Nate's death I'm discovering that I prefer the photos with his eyes open.  It's confirmation that he's alive.  I guess it's just one of those "triggers" that I will be dealing with for the rest of my life.  Something that probably doesn't make sense to most and continues to make me feel different from the vast majority of other moms.

25 days

Brady is 25 days old today. 

Nathan was 25 days old when he died.

This is a tough day for me. 

Ever since Brady was born I find myself thinking "if I only knew that I would only have 20 more days...12 more days...8 more days..1 more day

I can't imagine what it would have been like if I had known that I would only have those 25 days with Nate.  I felt so unprepared and caught off guard when he was taken from me.  I wished that God would have told me so that I could have prepared my heart.  Now I understand why He didn't.

I often look at Brady and wonder how my choices and actions would differ if I knew that I only had 25 days with him.  I realized that I wouldn't want to know.  I wouldn't want to face that countdown.

Today is an emotional day.  The sky is gray and full of clouds -- similar to the day that Nate died.  I am home all alone with no one to talk to.  My mind keeps flashing back to those last moments with Nathan and the horrific details that surrounded his death.

Thanking God for sending us the gift of Brady today and trusting (at least trying really hard) that we will not have to say goodbye to him for a long, long, long time.


ps-  Thanks, Ver for the adorable handknit hat.  I LOVE it so much and so does Brady :)

a rainbow

I've heard so many other baby loss mamas describe a baby that arrives after the death of another child as a rainbow baby.

 After the storm, God sends a rainbow.  

 I always thought that was a neat way to describe it but I had no idea of the true meaning of that label.

For my entire pregnancy I lived in fear.  Fear that something would be wrong with this baby.  Fear that something tragic would once again become my reality.  Fear that this storm that has encompassed my life for the past 3 1/2 years was not over.  The last couple of weeks, I couldn't sleep.  I couldn't eat.  I was consumed with "what ifs"...and not the good kind.

Brady arrived quickly.  I had been having contractions all day long but when "active labor" kicked in, it was fast.  In fact, I was getting an epidural when he was crowning and "don't push" was all I remember hearing.  I never pictured myself holding a healthy baby and when he came out and was put on my chest, I was overcome with emotions.  I was completely unprepared.  The relief that he was okay, the joy that he was a boy, and the sadness of being denied these moments with Nate caused the tears to flow.  To say that it was surreal to be holding a healthy baby boy all to myself in the middle of the night (my hubby and kids were there too) while the rest of the world was sound asleep would be an understatement.

We kept the news to ourselves for two days.  We needed time alone as a family to bond so the announcement of his birth was not made until the night before we went home.  I treasured that time alone so much.  It was so peaceful and so special.  He was just our little secret and we didn't have to share him with anyone.

We arrived home with a handful of diapers and wipes from the hospital and a couple of outfits that I made my husband stop and buy on the way home.  We had nothing and yet we had everything.  It was perfect.

I sit here today with a heart full of joy as I hold my sweet rainbow baby. 

It doesn't take away the storm. 
It doesn't repair the damage or the sadness that the storm caused. 
But it warms my soul. 

It brings a sparkle to our life that we never imagined and it restores the hope and glory that rainbows were designed to promise.