finding JOY - Day 6

Finding joy in my least favorite day of the year.  We're taking control to ensure a good day.  Therefore, we decided to skip trick or treating this year.  Too many scary and evil things out at dark.  Instead, we are letting our kids pick out their favorite bag of candy at the store and heading to Disneyland.  Looking forward to a fun family day at the "Happiest Place On Earth". 

finding JOY - Day 5

Letting Go

A week ago, during a visit with our Pastor, my husband and I had an "ah ha" moment.  We have been working hard to forgive his family for their EXTREMELY poor behavior after Nate's death.  We didn't understand how this "close, Christian family" could behave like they did.  We didn't expect that and didn't know how to deal with it.  I have been angry, resentful and crushed this past year believing that we must be horrible people to have been treated so awful. 

But, during our "ah ha" moment, we both realized that their behavior had nothing to do with us.  Our pastor explained family dynamics to us and how in particular the dynamics were working in his family.  My in-laws have always prided themselves with their claim on being a "close, Christian family".  My husbands grandparents met in church, his parents met in church and so on.  In the previous generations, everyone went to church together, celebrated together and spent endless hours together on the weekends.  I never really bought into the "close Christian family" claim because it seemed superficial which is probably why I was disliked.  But, I made a strong attempt to foster the closeness by hosting almost all of the holiday's, planning birthday celebrations, baby showers, get togethers and so on.  I put in a lot of work and really tried to give my kids the support of an extended family that I never had.

But as our pastor helped us understand, they aren't really close.  There's an ascribed value that they are.  That's the title that they've assigned to themselves so that's their belief.  But, there haven't been any divorces or tragedy's.  There has never been a reason to test that belief until Nate died.  And when they were tested...they failed with a capital F.  Because they all believe that they are a "close Christian family" they have discarded any claim or circumstance that suggests otherwise.  A "close Christian family" supports each other during a tragedy.  They don't abandon them and then accuse them of it being their fault.  But they don't want to see that because it contradicts their belief.  So, they filter it out and look for things that reinforce their belief that they are a "close Christian family".

That's where I couldn't make sense of it.  I was letting their abandonment and hurtful words crush me.  I knew that I needed to forgive them so that I could move on.  But I just didn't know how to forgive them.  Now, I think that I am finally there.  I feel like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders this past week.  It wasn't about me.  It wasn't about our son.  It was about them.  They could only deal with happy events and celebrations.  They didn't want to go to the "hard" place. 

Currently, we are receiving a lot of pressure to re-connect.  So far, we've ignored it but with the holidays approaching, I've had anxiety.  Our pastor once again explained the dynamic to us.  The reason that there is such intense pressure on us once again has to do with them.  Because we are absent from family events, they can't claim that they are a "close Christian family".  This is stirring the pot and they don't know how to deal with it.  They desperately want us to return so that they can reclaim their title. 

Now, I feel empowered to put my family first.  I'm not going to allow myself to feel guilty about them.  I'm finally feeling free.  It's good.  I can't tell you how good it feels.

finding JOY - Day 4

Choices...

In my quest for JOY, I am finding myself making different choices this week.  Until recently, I was not in a place that I was strong enough to make a choice.  I was simply a bystander in my own life and watched as it passed me by.  Sometimes, life and circumstances would push me under water.  Sometimes, I couldn't breathe.  More often than not I was drowning.  But I wasn't able to take control.  I wasn't able to save myself.  But now, I am.  Now, I am strong enough to stretch myself.  Now I want and am able to demand more of myself.

So as I travel through my experimental week.  I am discovering that I am making different choices as I run into obstacles.  I see them as a road block and I recognize the power that I have surrendered to them.  I have let my obstacles determine my fate in many, many ways.  This week, I am choosing differently...

• I HATE the party stores this time of year but needed to find an army hat for my sons army costume.  Yesterday, I had a few minutes before school pickup so I ventured in.  I quickly found the hat and made my way to the register avoiding the majority of the halloween decorations.  But one caught my eye.  It was a tiny skeleton hanging on the wall.  I tried to look away but I couldn't.  As my eyes fixated on this image, I couldn't help but think that it was about the same size as Nate.  I pictured Nate lying in his coffin and determined that this was what my son now looked like.  I was tempted to pick up the skeleton and hold it.  Just to see what it felt like.  For a moment, I stood there.  I wanted so desperately to hold something that felt like my son but I knew that if I tested those waters, I would surely go under.  I was not going to let this obstacle have control over my day.  I made a decision to take a moment to tell Nate how much I loved him and missed him.  Then I purchased the army hat for Noah and told myself that I was going to appreciate what I had and not what was taken.  The old me would have been visibly shaken with tears running down my face.  But this time, I walked out of the store with a smile and a new found confidence.

• I have only seen my husbands extended family once in the last year+.  It was at the funeral for my father-in-law.  On Tuesday, I ran into some of his family at Disneyland.  There must have been 25,000 people there that day and I had to come face to face with family.  It was uncomfortable.  I became unsettled.  But, I knew that this week I was not going down my old road.  I was choosing a different path.  I walked by with a warm hello and then excused myself politely with the explanation that I was in a hurry to pick up Shayna from school (100% truth).  The old me would have crumbled when when I unexpectedly ran into them.  I would have wondered what they were thinking.  I would have wondered why they left us in the middle of the ocean drowning.  I would have wondered why they didn't care about us.  I would have replayed the interaction a million times and let it ruin my day.  But this time, I did not.  I pushed it to the back of my thoughts and decided to let it go. 

• Yesterday, I ran into someone at school that used to be close with our family.  They were "there for us" after Nate died but got worn out and bailed many months ago.  Now when I run into them, I usually cower.  I turn into this little insecure, hurt and weak person.  I have allowed their rejection to have power over me.  This time... I didn't.  I politely said hello to which I received a hesitant and unquestionably uncomfortable hello in response.  The same thing happened two months ago at school registration and I let it ruin my day.  Not any more.  This time, I made a choice to acknowledge the disappointment and then move on.  I reminded myself of the new friends that I've made and how much they like me.  It's okay if there are people out there that don't like me.  Really...it's okay.

So, halfway through my experiment I can see the growth within myself.  The next few days will be a big test.  Halloween is approaching.  But my JOY experiment is giving me confidence.  I like who I am becoming.

finding JOY - Day 3

Footprints

I wasn't raised in a Christian family.  I found God by watching Little House on the Prairie as a child.  When I was a teenager, I used my own money to buy a picture with the Footprints prayer on it.  I hung it on my bathroom wall and read it everyday. 

Footprints in the Sand

One night I had a dream...

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and

Across the sky flashed scenes from my life.

For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand;

One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord.

When the last scene of my life flashed before us,

I looked back at the footprints in the sand.

I noticed that many times along the path of my life,

There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life

This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it.

"Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you,

You would walk with me all the way;

But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life,

There is only one set of footprints.

I don't understand why in times when I

needed you the most, you should leave me.


The Lord replied, "My precious, precious

child. I love you, and I would never,

never leave you during your times of

trial and suffering.

When you saw only one set of footprints,

It was then that I carried you."

Footprints have always had an impact on my life.  I had a "family set" on my Suburban before Nate but for the last year and a half I have felt like a fraud.  I've been driving around without his prints included.  He is part of our family and he does count.  I needed to get his footprints on there but didn't know how to represent him.   So, a few weeks ago, a dear blogging friend, Jodi made a custom set for me.  This time, Nate was included. I feel so much better now.  Thank you so much Jodi!!!

Sometimes, I wonder what people think when they are stopped behind me at a red light.  I wonder if they feel sorry for me or if they think that I'm on prozac (not that there's anything wrong with that).  But I'm trying not to care.  This is my life.  I'm proud of all of my children and I love them all the same. 

Today, I am living the Footprints prayer that I have treasured for more than half of my life.  Today I am letting God carry me.  He knows what the footprints mean to me.   He knows when I need to be carried.  He knows that I need Him.  I am surrendering.

finding JOY - Day 2

I recently sent an email to a woman in my community whose husband unexpectedly died last month.  I barely know her but our sons are in the same class and on the same soccer team.  I've been trying to reach out to her not knowing how much support she has.  In my email I told her that I hope that today is a good day.  She replied and said "Today IS going to be a good day".  That really struck me that someone could declare that the day was going to be "good" before it actually happened.  I find myself on the other end or that...acting more like a victim.  Just waiting to see how my day affects me instead of taking control of my day and making it good.  I want that type of confidence and strength.  I want to be the type of person that wakes up in the morning and declares that today is going to be a great day!!!!   

That's what I am going to do today.  Sure there are obstacles.  Many, many obstacles but I am beginning my day today by declaring that it will be good.  Today I am walking tight with the Lord.  I am going to trust Him and let Him manage my grief.  I'm taking the day off and I'm going to have a great day!


This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118.24

finding JOY -- my 7 day experiment

For the next 7 days I am committing to focusing my thoughts on being JOYOUS.  I am going to attempt to let anything that prevents me from feeling joy go bye bye.  I know that this may be easier said that done (especially Halloween week) but I am seriously going to attempt to do it.  I'm actually really excited about it and can't wait to see the affect it has on my life.


Finding joy - Day 1


Today I am filled with joy.  My son, Noah had severe asthma last week and it was terrifying.  He was having trouble breathing and his heart was racing.  My mind went right back to that horrible place when Nate died.  I didn't like being there and I'm so glad that God answered my prayers.  He said yes to me and healed my son.  Now he is running around and back to normal (still on the steroids though).

There is also blue sky everywhere today.  The clouds are white and swirly and the sun is shining bright.  My favorite kind of day.

I was wrong

I have been so caught up in my attempt to find "happy" that I didn't even realize that I was on the wrong path...again.  I know the path that I want but man-o-man it's hard to find. 

I used to be happy so that's where I was trying to get back to.  But I didn't take into consideration all of the things that are different now.  My son died, the majority of my friends left, most of our family abandoned us and my kids are growing up with the realization that life is hard and bad things happen.  How could I ever expect to get to a place that doesn't exist for me anymore?

Part of me wants to go back to the simple life where my biggest issue was that someone would stop by when my house was messy or that I would forget to wake up and my kids would be late for school.  Part of me longs for that silly stuff.  But, I am different now.  Sure, those things still bother me (I am type A) but I have much bigger issues to deal with.  I have to hold my daughter after she has a nightmare that we killed her because she couldn't save Nate.  I have to comfort my crying twins when they ask why their brother died and why God won't give us another baby.  I have to tell my kids that it's okay that most of our friends and family don't talk to us anymore and pretend like it doesn't bother me.  I have to wake up everyday and do all the things that I used to do:  make breakfast, lunch and dinner everyday, clean, shop, do endless loads of laundry, take kids to school, help them with homework, take them to soccer, gymnastics and baseball, teach them about God, and be a wife to my husband eventhough I had to bury my son.  I know that I will never go back to my old "happy" again but that's the only life that I knew so that's the only path that I know.


Some of my blog followers have been telling me to "choose JOY".  Those comments always struck me but I didn't know why.  This week, I was reading a devotional about joy. 

Joy ~ Let’s explore this enchanting subject, shall we? Joy is at the heart of God Himself, and it is part of God’s plan for human beings. That said, I think the subject defies a specific definition, though I love this: “Joy is a choice. It is a matter of attitude that stems from one’s confidence in God—that He is at work, that He is in full control, that He is in the midst of whatever has happened, is happening, and will happen.” Laugh Again, Chuck Swindoll


My observations on joy ~> it is not about personality or temperament- I’ve heard people say, ‘Oh, it’s easy for you—it’s just your personality, you’re just bubbly-‘ No!


~>joy must be experienced in the moment … not tomorrow~ “This is the day the Lord has made, I will rejoice and be glad in it.” Psalm 118.24 ‘Learning to live in the present moment is part of the path of joy.’ Sarah Ban Breathnach



~>joy is not dependent on circumstances, despite what we think!


Consider with me these Scriptures: “The joy of the Lord is my strength.” Nehemiah 8.10. Jesus said, “I have told you this so that my joy will be in you and that your joy may be complete.” John 15.11 What did He tell them? “As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love.” John 15.9,10 How do we remain in His love? Obedience to God’s Word, and letting the Spirit lead us; after all, the nine gifts of the Spirit all find a home in Jesus!


You know, Oprah runs the topic of happiness in her magazine, with great colorful photo spreads, but do not be confused, joy is so much greater than happiness, as happiness is fleeting. I love what the old preacher, Charles Spurgeon, had to say—“That word joyful is a very sweet and clear one. Happiness is a very dainty word, but yet it is somewhat insecure because it begins with a ‘hap,’ and seems to depend on a chance which may happen to the soul. We say “happy-go-lucky,” and that is very much the world’s happiness. It is a kind of thing that may hap and may not hap. But there is no hap in the fruit of the Spirit that is joy. When we are joyful or full of joy, and that of the best kind, we are favored indeed. No man takes this joy from us, and a stranger intermeddles not within it. It is a celestial fruit, and earth cannot produce its like.”



Oh, there is so much we can say, precious friends, about joy…true joy!


I realized that JOY is the path that I want. JOYFUL is where I want to be. HAPPY is superficial. HAPPY is not God. JOY is longlasting. JOY is where God is.