finding JOY - Day 5

Letting Go

A week ago, during a visit with our Pastor, my husband and I had an "ah ha" moment.  We have been working hard to forgive his family for their EXTREMELY poor behavior after Nate's death.  We didn't understand how this "close, Christian family" could behave like they did.  We didn't expect that and didn't know how to deal with it.  I have been angry, resentful and crushed this past year believing that we must be horrible people to have been treated so awful. 

But, during our "ah ha" moment, we both realized that their behavior had nothing to do with us.  Our pastor explained family dynamics to us and how in particular the dynamics were working in his family.  My in-laws have always prided themselves with their claim on being a "close, Christian family".  My husbands grandparents met in church, his parents met in church and so on.  In the previous generations, everyone went to church together, celebrated together and spent endless hours together on the weekends.  I never really bought into the "close Christian family" claim because it seemed superficial which is probably why I was disliked.  But, I made a strong attempt to foster the closeness by hosting almost all of the holiday's, planning birthday celebrations, baby showers, get togethers and so on.  I put in a lot of work and really tried to give my kids the support of an extended family that I never had.

But as our pastor helped us understand, they aren't really close.  There's an ascribed value that they are.  That's the title that they've assigned to themselves so that's their belief.  But, there haven't been any divorces or tragedy's.  There has never been a reason to test that belief until Nate died.  And when they were tested...they failed with a capital F.  Because they all believe that they are a "close Christian family" they have discarded any claim or circumstance that suggests otherwise.  A "close Christian family" supports each other during a tragedy.  They don't abandon them and then accuse them of it being their fault.  But they don't want to see that because it contradicts their belief.  So, they filter it out and look for things that reinforce their belief that they are a "close Christian family".

That's where I couldn't make sense of it.  I was letting their abandonment and hurtful words crush me.  I knew that I needed to forgive them so that I could move on.  But I just didn't know how to forgive them.  Now, I think that I am finally there.  I feel like the weight of the world was lifted from my shoulders this past week.  It wasn't about me.  It wasn't about our son.  It was about them.  They could only deal with happy events and celebrations.  They didn't want to go to the "hard" place. 

Currently, we are receiving a lot of pressure to re-connect.  So far, we've ignored it but with the holidays approaching, I've had anxiety.  Our pastor once again explained the dynamic to us.  The reason that there is such intense pressure on us once again has to do with them.  Because we are absent from family events, they can't claim that they are a "close Christian family".  This is stirring the pot and they don't know how to deal with it.  They desperately want us to return so that they can reclaim their title. 

Now, I feel empowered to put my family first.  I'm not going to allow myself to feel guilty about them.  I'm finally feeling free.  It's good.  I can't tell you how good it feels.