March 30th, Two Thousand ...NATE (2008)

Two years ago today, I began this journey.  I haven't talked much about what happened before.  I wanted to share it today.  Like many of you, I have been through a lot and I have come a long way.  Here is the story of what started it all:

March 30, 2008
The day started off great. The ICU doctors did rounds that morning and all said that Nate looked great. All of his tubes were out with the exception of a one for his antibiotics. The cardiologist told us that his heart was functioning well and they were making plans to send him home within a day or two. The only thing that they were concerned about were his feedings. They told us that he needed to maintain full feedings in order to be released.  Erik brought the kids up at about 10:30 that morning. I met them in the hall and asked him to take the kids to the playroom for a while so that Nate could focus on his 11am feeding. When we were in Los Angeles, the kids weren't allowed to stay in his room for more than a few minutes, but at CHOC, we were able to spend time together as a family and the kids got lots of time to love on their brother. Because of that, his room was noisy at times and he sometimes got distracted eating. So, Erik and the kids went off to the playroom.

At 11am I started giving Nate his bottle. He ate 1/2 of it really well and I sat him up to burp. As I did, Nathan began to struggle and his monitors started beeping. The nurse came in to see if everything was okay and within seconds, Nate turned blue from head to toe. She grabbed him out of my arms and pushed the CODE BLUE button. Within a minute, a dozen nurses, doctors and respiratory specialists were at his bedside. It was extremely chaotic. I called Erik and told him that Nate was CODE BLUE and he needed to get up here. He left the kids with hospital volunteers and hurried upstairs. Together, we sat down in the back corner of the room and started praying. We asked God to let him live and begged him not to take him. The room became louder and more chaotic as the time went on. The doctors performed CPR and intubated him (breathing tube) and he came back --but his heart rate was sporadic and he was obviously in peril. As they did an echocardiogram, Nate was looking around the room and we were talking to him. We told him how much we loved him and we told him that he was going to be okay. The results of the echocardiogram were not good. They detected something--which they suspected was a large blood clot and before we were given an explanation doctors started yelling for a cut down tray. It was exactly like the traumas that we've seen on TV, only this was our kid and it was real. We were briefly told that they did not have time to get to the operating room and they handed us masks with instructions to put them on. Then, right in front of us they began operating on our baby boy. The hospital chaplain came in and sat with us. She repeatedly insisted that we call someone to start a prayer chain. Most everyone we knew was in church at the time so we just left a handful of messages. We kept thinking that any moment they were going to say that everything was fine. He was perfectly healthy just a few moments ago.



During the next hour, they frantically tried to save him. We kept hearing them call out for "more epy" and "more blood." His body temperature was too low so they were microwaving saline and trying to warm him up. We kept praying and pleading with God. There were glimpses of hope when the surgeon would say that they had a heartbeat but that was diminished when someone else would say he's losing too much blood. At 1:10 that afternoon, the doctors all became very quiet. One of them stepped over to us and told us that they were going to stop working on him because he was gone. We pleaded for them to keep trying but they said that all of the CPR had popped his heart and there was no hope. Then a doctor told us that "they stopped." Those were the two worst words that we've ever heard and at that moment we knew that life would never be the same again. Our Nathan Ryan was gone. His heart was broken and now ours was. It took them a few minutes to put him back together and then we were able to hold him. We were holding him but he wasn't there. We had to beg the doctors to take his breathing tube out and they told us that they needed permission from the Coroner. So Erik actually had to talk on the phone to the Coroner and after an hour or so, they took it out. We held him and kissed him and cried.


But the worst wasn't over. We still had to tell the kids what happened. We went to an empty room down the hall and one by one, they brought the kids in. We are supposed to protect them and now we had to tell them that their baby brother had died. They all cried and cried. It was devastating to see our kids in that much pain and there was nothing that we could do. Friends took the kids back to the playroom so that we could say goodbye to Nathan. We held him again and we asked our Pastor to dedicate him to God. The whole day was so surreal. A few hours ago they said that we could go home and now our son was dead. And the worst part about it was that we watched him die and there was nothing that we could do.

 ***The hospital won't admit anything but we strongly believe that they caused the blodclot when they took out his central line 18 hours prior.  We have done a lot of research and can't find any other explanation for our sweet boy to have such a large clot.  For some reason they didn't detect it ...until it was too late. 

criticism

I wrote a post the other day about switching from some of the "easy" roads to a few "difficult" roads.  I want to make it clear that the difficult roads do not include re-connecting with past relationships.  "Friendship" is defined differently to me now.  "Family" is defined differently to me now.  I have no intention of going backward and forgetting all that I have learned these past two years. 

For me, difficult roads include going to events and being in the company with people that left us alone to drown.  Until now, I have opted out of almost everything.  I have only stretched myself to meet the needs of my husband and my kids on a few occasions.  Other than that, our family as a whole has been staying on the easy road.  I love the easy road.  I have found so much comfort on the easy road.  But I am at a point now where I want to stretch and I want to grow.  I can't do that if I don't try the difficult road.

My husband and I have talked a lot this week about why we have avoided the difficult road this past year.  We had a LIGHT BULB moment and then it all made sense.

Criticism

Criticism is the reason that we have avoided the difficult road. 

The difficult road is not filled with love and acceptance.  It is not filled with compassion and understanding.  That's why we have avoided it.  All of the bumps in that road just hurt.  They hurt bad. 

Why is it that people that have absolutely no idea what it feels like to bury a child are the ones that are telling us that we are doing it wrong? I have yet to hear a criticism from anyone that has walked this walk.

In looking back, we have found that a majority of people we know have taken the liberty of criticizing us.  For some reason, in our darkest hour they blamed us for their poor actions.  Here are a few of the ones that my husband and I have received:

• You're not handling the death of your son well.
• You need to be stronger for your kids.
• We didn't come over because you didn't make us feel welcome.
• My dad died and I handled it better than you are handling Nate's death. 
• You didn't tell us what you needed so we didn't know what to do.
• You looked sad so I didn't know what to say.
• You didn't respond to my email so I stopped trying.
• You need to go on anti-depressants so you can get back to normal.
• We're hurt and upset that you don't want to be around our babies.
• You should be OVER it by now.
• You should be happy that Nate is in Heaven and get back to your good life.
• I don't care what you are going through, life goes on for everyone else.
• Don't you know that God won't give you more than you can handle?

It always felt like we were doing something wrong.  That nothing was wrong with anyone else -- the problem was US!  A large majority of these criticism's came from family members.  This is the reason that we retreated.  We felt like we were under attack.  And, in reality...we were.  These are not words of comfort. 

Now that we are considering the difficult road we are preparing to deal with criticism.  We have been so vulnerable and so insecure that whenever we were told that we were doing something wrong it just devastated us.  It was so hard to hear.  Instead of being lifted up, we were crushed.  

God is teaching me that I can be weak and He can handle these situations for us.  He knows that I certainly didn't do a very good job when I was trying to handle it myself.  I want to trust Him.  I want to be confident in myself so that I can reject these criticisms as they surface.  I am weak but He is strong.  I am hoping that He will use His strength to  carry me the first few miles.  This is my motivation:


Put your heart right...Reach out to God...Then face the world again, firm and courageous. Then all your troubles will fade from your memory, like floods that are past and remembered no more. (Job 11:13, 15-16 TEV)

two roads

For the past year or so, my husband and I have been choosing to take the "easy" road.  In the beginning, we tried to push ourselves into relationships and situations... it wasn't working.  We were trying to force others to help us and we didn't understand why they didn't.  These attempts prevented us from healing and we found ourselves sinking down deeper in our grief.  It literally felt like people were pushing us under water and preventing us from getting up.  We needed to take a step back.  We looked at the fork in the road and chose the "easy" road.  The easy road was an important part of our healing.  It allowed us to focus on our family without being hurt over and over by others.  It was a good road for us.

Our grief counselor informed us that it's very normal for people to walk away from those that have experienced a tragedy.  There are many reasons why they do this.  However, he told us that many of them will check back in between the 2-3 year mark.  For some, it's a realization of their wrongs.  Their attempts to rationalize their actions are no longer believable and they feel a need to rectify their behavior.  For others, it's the hope that we are "better" now.  That the storm has passed and we can return to the relationship that we had previously.

Whatever the reason, it puts us into a difficult position.  An uncomfortable position.  A lot of time has passed.  A lot of things are changed.  It's like when a couple is dating and breaks up.  They try to be "just friends" but it doesn't work.  Once you have a close, intimate relationship with someone it's difficult to go backward.

I am finding that I am facing a fork in the road.  This is uncomfortable for me.  I want to stay on the easy road.  The road that I have found comfort in.  The road that has allowed me to heal.  I don't know if I want to take the other road.  There are a lot of bumps in that road.  There are a lot of pitfalls in that road.  There are a lot of unknowns in that road.

God is showing me that when I am weak, He is strong.  I need to trust in Him and go down the difficult road.  It's not easy.

two years ago

Two years ago I was in the middle of unimaginable chaos.  I had just given birth, was living in a hospital, had a baby that was in the ICU fighting for his life and I was trying to balance being a mom to 4 other kids.  It felt like I was in the middle of a tornado.  My life was so out of control and there was nothing that I could do to stop it.

I haven't talked much about my time in the hospital with Nate before.  I had visited the CTICU before I delivered him and I was in tears just walking through the unit.  There were more than a dozen babies with heart conditions and they all had tubes coming out from everywhere.  I knew that it was going to be tough to be a mommy of one of those babies.  But I didn't know how tough.  It was 100 times more difficult than I ever could have imagined.

I sat with Nathan all day every day.  Most of the other mommies just visited their kids and didn't stay by their side.  It was hard to be there.  It was hard to watch your child suffer.  It was hard to keep your cool as the monitors would alarm and the doctors had to adjust medications just to keep your child alive. 

My husband was able to be there most of the first 2+ weeks but then our child care fell through and he had to go home.  The first couple weeks, he went back and forth to bring our other kids up 3x a week.  On those days he would spend 4-6 hours driving LA freeways and managing our other scared and confused children (not an easy task).  He would drive home at 6am and wake up the kids.  Then he would bring them to the hospital around 11 and we would let them peek in on Nate, then have lunch in the cafeteria.  We would play for a couple hours at The Ronald McDonald house before he would have to drive them back (they would spend the night on Saturday) and then he had to listen to them crying the whole way home because they wanted their mommy.  I know that it was hard on him.  I was the one that took care of the home and the kids and I was completely checked out and focused on Nathan.  I know that he just wanted to be with Nathan too but I am grateful that he let me be with him and he took care of everything else.

I remember thinking that the hospital should give the parents a prescription of Prozac when their child was admitted.  It was so hard to live in that hospital.  For almost a month, the only healthy children that I saw were my own.  Everywhere you looked, there were sick kids.  I can't tell you how much that will change your perspective.  I vividly remember getting on my knees and crying out "mercy" to God on a daily basis.  I was not strong enough to do this.  I just wanted to take my baby and go home.

Life during that time was very intense.  I never felt peace about Nate's condition.  I always felt the need to be with him.  I would stay at the hospital from 6am until 11pm.  I slept a few hours (but always called to check on his status in the middle of the night) and then started my day all over again.  The first 2 weeks, he was in a room with no windows.  There were many days that I never saw daylight.  I arrived in the dark and left in the dark and never left the hospital in between. 

The nurses became my friends.  I think that they should be given a bonus for having to counsel parents.  They were so kind to us.  I would pour out my heart about how I didn't understand how life was going on as normal for everyone we knew when our life was on hold and we were in the middle of a tornado.  It felt like everyone's life should stop while we were fighting for our son's life.  It hurt that it didn't. 

As difficult as that time was, it was our only time with Nate.  I do remember how excited I was the first time that I got to hold him and what a celebration it was when he got off the ventilator each time.  I remember being so proud of him when he drank his first bottle and my heart melted each time our other kids came to see him.  There were good times.  They were just surrounded by complete insanity.  But, this month I am trying to remember the special moments that I had.  It was only 25 days.  God only gave me 25 days.  I am so glad that I got to spend each one of them with him.

tips

I'm working hard at getting out of the funk that I'm in.  I don't want this month to have control over me.  I want to rise above it.  I am working on a few projects around the house to help keep me busy and I am also going to try and plan a vacation for this Summer.

I LOVE vacations.  I remember every vacation that my family took as a child and I want to give those memories to my kids.  We haven't taken a big vacation for a few years.  I really want to do that this Summer.  It is our 15 year anniversary in July and we are both turning 40 (yikes) in the fall.  I don't want a fancy gift or a party...I just want a great vacation this Summer.  Is that too much for a girl to ask for?

My dream vacation would be to go to Atlantis in the Bahamas.  My kids are the perfect age and I know that we would have a blast.  But...it's expensive.  I just started searching for deals but I need a great one to be able to afford that vacation for 6!

Please let me know if anyone has any super travel tips or connections.  It would be so nice to be able to look forward to that right now.

up and down

Nate's birthday ended up being a good day.  The only time that I teared up was when we sang happy birthday to him before we released our balloons.  I felt like I was being carried all day (thank you for your prayers) and the rain clouds stayed away so that we could enjoy a mostly blue sky afternoon.

We picked the kids up from school at noon, went to McDonalds for lunch (in memory of staying at The Ronald McDonald House), went to the party store and let everyone pick their own balloon, then headed off to Disneyland.  Shayna's girl scout troop bought him a brick outside Disneyland when he died.  After they did that, we decided that we would spend his birthday there every year.  It worked well last year so we did it again.  We prefer Disneyland over the cemetary and we know that he is always with us so the location isn't that important.

Here's us at his brick.  Notice that we all wore BLUE to honor and remember him.

Everyone wrote a special note to Nathan and we tied them to our balloons:

We watched our special notes float off into the blue sky.

After an afternoon of rides at the park, we went to a special dinner at a resturant in Downtown Disney. 

Dessert was their special "volcano" - yum!

We let the kids each have a "Mickey" balloon when we left.  Normally, we go to Disneyland and don't spend a dime.  We pack a lunch and bring our own snacks.  So, it is a special treat for them to bring home a balloon.  They've been talking about it since we let them do it last year.  A wonderful tradition that we plan on continuing.

I finished the day relieved that it was done.  Another hard event checked off my list.   

Sadly, the next day I crashed.  The weather was cold and rainy (no blue sky),  I found out some disappointing news, and I couldn't help but think about all of the people that didn't remember his birthday.  I sank back down into that yucky pit that I hate being in.  At present I am trying to climb out.  My devotion for this weekend was about tests, growth and perseverance.  Today is titled "when distress reigns".  I know that God knows that I am here and I know that He knew that I would be here before I did.  I know that this devotion is for me and that He is with me.  I have a feeling that I am going to experience a lot of spiritual growth this month. 

Evening, morning and noon I cry out in distress, and he hears my voice.  Psalm 55:17

thank you and a winner

I want to thank each and every one of you that took the time to make a comment on my post for Nathan's birthday.  I received a whopping 41 comments and had almost 300 visitors!  That's a lot for a small time blogger like myself.  I also appreciated each of you that did a post about Nate.  That touched my heart so very deeply and I am forever grateful.

Because of you, I was able to have a good day on Friday.  I will post photos of our day later but I really felt like I was being lifted up in prayer and I was able to enjoy the day instead of dwelling in misery.

Now onto the exciting news...the winner of my first giveaway.  I decided ahead of time that the lucky winner would be my 5th comment.  Nate was our 5th child, he was born on March 5th and now that's the number of my daughter's soccer jersey (in his memory).  When I see the number 5...I always think of Nate.

So the 5th comment came from Lisa at http://jonestripletangels.blogspot.com/.  Congratulations Lisa.  Enjoy a shamrock shake at McDonalds on me!