two years ago

Two years ago I was in the middle of unimaginable chaos.  I had just given birth, was living in a hospital, had a baby that was in the ICU fighting for his life and I was trying to balance being a mom to 4 other kids.  It felt like I was in the middle of a tornado.  My life was so out of control and there was nothing that I could do to stop it.

I haven't talked much about my time in the hospital with Nate before.  I had visited the CTICU before I delivered him and I was in tears just walking through the unit.  There were more than a dozen babies with heart conditions and they all had tubes coming out from everywhere.  I knew that it was going to be tough to be a mommy of one of those babies.  But I didn't know how tough.  It was 100 times more difficult than I ever could have imagined.

I sat with Nathan all day every day.  Most of the other mommies just visited their kids and didn't stay by their side.  It was hard to be there.  It was hard to watch your child suffer.  It was hard to keep your cool as the monitors would alarm and the doctors had to adjust medications just to keep your child alive. 

My husband was able to be there most of the first 2+ weeks but then our child care fell through and he had to go home.  The first couple weeks, he went back and forth to bring our other kids up 3x a week.  On those days he would spend 4-6 hours driving LA freeways and managing our other scared and confused children (not an easy task).  He would drive home at 6am and wake up the kids.  Then he would bring them to the hospital around 11 and we would let them peek in on Nate, then have lunch in the cafeteria.  We would play for a couple hours at The Ronald McDonald house before he would have to drive them back (they would spend the night on Saturday) and then he had to listen to them crying the whole way home because they wanted their mommy.  I know that it was hard on him.  I was the one that took care of the home and the kids and I was completely checked out and focused on Nathan.  I know that he just wanted to be with Nathan too but I am grateful that he let me be with him and he took care of everything else.

I remember thinking that the hospital should give the parents a prescription of Prozac when their child was admitted.  It was so hard to live in that hospital.  For almost a month, the only healthy children that I saw were my own.  Everywhere you looked, there were sick kids.  I can't tell you how much that will change your perspective.  I vividly remember getting on my knees and crying out "mercy" to God on a daily basis.  I was not strong enough to do this.  I just wanted to take my baby and go home.

Life during that time was very intense.  I never felt peace about Nate's condition.  I always felt the need to be with him.  I would stay at the hospital from 6am until 11pm.  I slept a few hours (but always called to check on his status in the middle of the night) and then started my day all over again.  The first 2 weeks, he was in a room with no windows.  There were many days that I never saw daylight.  I arrived in the dark and left in the dark and never left the hospital in between. 

The nurses became my friends.  I think that they should be given a bonus for having to counsel parents.  They were so kind to us.  I would pour out my heart about how I didn't understand how life was going on as normal for everyone we knew when our life was on hold and we were in the middle of a tornado.  It felt like everyone's life should stop while we were fighting for our son's life.  It hurt that it didn't. 

As difficult as that time was, it was our only time with Nate.  I do remember how excited I was the first time that I got to hold him and what a celebration it was when he got off the ventilator each time.  I remember being so proud of him when he drank his first bottle and my heart melted each time our other kids came to see him.  There were good times.  They were just surrounded by complete insanity.  But, this month I am trying to remember the special moments that I had.  It was only 25 days.  God only gave me 25 days.  I am so glad that I got to spend each one of them with him.