happy birthday sweet boy

Oh how I wish that you were here to celebrate your 3rd birthday with us.  I would love to watch you squeal with delight as you opened up your presents and laugh and play with all of your friends.  Instead we will celebrate your birthday without you.  It won't be nearly as fun.  But we will honor you because we love you.  And because we love you we will make it a great day. 

Happy 3rd Birthday Nathan Ryan Larson! 

Our life was forever changed the day that you were born. 






Thanks, Crystal Theresa!

comfort

Thank you to every one of you that left me a comment or sent me an email this week.  Grief and sadness are so much easier to manage when you are being lifted up in prayer and being comforted by kindness.  My real life doesn't contain much of either so I am so grateful for the love that I have received from this blogging community. 

The days leading up to Nate's birthday are typically the most difficult.  I wish more than anything that I was busy running around to prepare for his birthday party.  Instead, I sit here... alone.  Definitely not the life I had planned for but trying to do the best with what I was given.  Tomorrow will be filled with a myriad of emotions but I am looking forward to the relief that I will feel once yet another tough day is behind us.

march

It's here.  Once again, our most difficult month of the year has arrived.  This is Nate's month.  From start to finish.  No question about it.  To commemorate the month I put a wreath on our front door.  The green represents "March" and the blue ribbon represents "Nate".  This will mean nothing to most people that walk by our house or ring our doorbell.  But for our family, it will represent Nathan's presence in our lives.  How he has forever changed what this month means to all of us.   

We have been trying to decide how to celebrate Nathan's birthday this Saturday.  It was complicated by the fact that my daughter had a State Cup soccer playoff 2 hours away this weekend.  We played through a bunch of scenarios and shed a few tears trying to figure out how to honor Nathan AND let her play soccer.  We were extremely relieved to have received an email late last night informing us that the games have been postponed one week -- whew! 

So now we are back to a much more simpler celebration.  It will involve balloons, Disneyland and our kids.  The way it has been for the past two years.  The way that it will likely be for years to come. 

To most people, the month of March represents shamrocks and the arrival of Spring.  For my family, it was the only days that our son spent on earth with us.  March was the only time that we got to see him, touch him, hold him.  This month is hard but special.  It's not just another month for us. 

GODincidence

I was inspired to write this post from Debby's post last week on on the same subject.  Sometimes I wonder if God is listening.  He has been pretty quiet in my life lately.  At a time when I have begged Him to be loud.  But last Saturday night, He showed me that He's still there.

We were at our regular bible study across the street.  Normally, our kids aren't with us.  But this was a special night where we all gathered for dinner and a movie.  The movie was on the life of Jesus.  Nothing like The Passion of the Christ.  It was pretty corny and not very well acted but a good visual nonetheless. 

As usual, I was uncomfortable watching.  The birth of baby Jesus brought memories of Nate's birth to the forefront of my mind.  I had to look away.  I couldn't stare at that sweet baby's face.  I was feeling very vulnerable...and sad.  Then, later in the film, Jesus was called to the death bed of a precious little girl.  Her parents were sobbing and begging Jesus to save her life.  Again, memories of Nate flooded my mind.  All of the times that I begged for God to save his life came rushing back again.  Not only the memories of me on the floor pleading with God but also the memories of God saying No.  I felt so rejected...again.

I looked at my husband who was sitting across the room and mouthed the words "I don't know if I can watch this".  As I did, Jesus was approaching the little girls bed from which she took her last breath from only moments before.  I knew the story and I couldn't bear to watch him heal her little body and bring her back from the dead.  I know that He did that.  I'm thrilled that He did that.  But, it's just painful for me to watch.  So I prepared to step away. 

Before I could rise off of the couch, one of my 6 year old twins came running into the room.  She had been upstairs watching a Disney movie.  I hadn't seen her for over an hour and just when I needed it, she hopped on my lap and cuddled me.  She had nothing to say.  Nothing to ask for.  She was just there.  Giving me comfort at a time when I needed it most.  I knew at that very moment that God had sent her in there for me.  That He knew that I was struggling and that He wanted to help.  It felt good.  It felt really good.

I hope and pray that God continues to show me his love through tangible ways like last weekend.  I know that He's there but I don't always feel Him.  It's so much easier to get through the tough stuff when He is holding my hand.

it's over when it's over

This was some of the best advice that I have ever received.  A few months ago, I was discussing my life with someone.  Not someone close.  Just someone that cared enough to listen.

I went on for some time listing all of the tough situations and circumstances that we have had to contend with over the past 3 years.  The list is long.  Very long. 

I further explained that it felt like Satan had taken hold of my life.  That all of this bad stuff was happening because of him.  In an effort to dismiss him, I had recently started rebuking him throughout my day.  And I was doing this ALL throughout my day...for weeks!  What I didn't realize was that I was giving him more attention than I was giving God.  Unintentionally of course.  But it was true.  As hard as I was trying to align my life with God's and to focus on Him, I realized that I was actually doing the opposite. 

The person with whom I was speaking, went through a very difficult period of time herself a few years back.  She spoke from experience when she told me "it's over when it's over".  It took me a few minutes to ingest the words but I eventually realized that she was right.  She told me to stop working so hard because there was nothing that I could do to end this trial.  This rough period of time.  All I can do is to try and find JOY amongst the difficulty.  It's not natural for me but even in the worst circumstances, life can be good. 

So I began trying to live that way a few months ago.  It's true.  It works.  This trial will be over when God decides that it's over.  Until then, I will just live my life and continue to learn all of the lessons that God wants to teach me along the way. 

you reap what you sow

This was the message at church a few weeks ago. 

I wrestled with the lesson as the words exited our pastor's mouth.  As I sat there, I suddenly became very emotional and the tears began rolling steadily down my cheek.  This subject really affects me.  I guess I just haven't made peace with it yet.

 

Is it true?  Is there a direct correlation between our efforts going forth and what we receive in return?  Is there a sort of pot that we pay into that can be easily accessed when we need to make a withdrawal?  Do good things happen to bad people?  Why do bad things happen to good people?


These questions are nothing new for me. I used to spend a lot of time asking God why Nathan died and why all of our friends and family abandoned us.  Did I plant my seeds in fields that weren't fertile?  Was it a punishment?  Did I do something wrong? 

When questioned about it, our pastor recently told my husband that we didn't sow enough seeds. That we didn't invest wisely and that's why there was nothing to withdrawal. It was shocking. We invested an immense amount of time in both our church and friends for more than a decade. How is that possible? How could we have failed so miserably?

In previous years, I would take a lot of time and energy away from my own family to help people.  Some were family and friends.  Many were complete strangers.  At the time, there was no motivation of any type of payback.  I wasn't sowing seeds to reap any type of harvest.  I just felt the need to pay it forward.  But, when I needed it.  When my life fell apart and I didn't have anything to give, my account was empty.  I was denied while others were reaping bountiful harvests from their investments.

In the financial world, when someone makes a poor investment they rarely repeat the offense.  Does that apply here?  Do you keep sowing seeds when there is nothing to harvest?  The past couple of years, I have made a deliberate choice to primarily focus on my own family. There have been exceptions.  When I see someone in need I just have to help.  Even when I try, I can't turn my back on people in need.  But I have not been sowing seeds.  I have not been investing in relationships like I used to. 



This topic is not something that I would have thought much about 3 years ago.  I just assumed that people that I spent time with and cared about would be there for me when I needed them.  That's how I defined friendship.  I didn't know that there was another option.  That my REALITY would be different.  Now I question these things.  I want to live wisely.  I want to live the life that God has planned for me.  I know that I will make mistakes but I don't want to make the same mistakes. 


Life is not so black and white anymore.  It also used to have a lot of periods and exclamation marks.  These days...my life is full of question marks? 

welcome 2011

They say that bad things come in 3's. 
If that is true...then 2011 is going to be a wonderful year. 
Hoping and praying that it's better than the last 3.


Happy New Year!!!