3 years ago

March 30, 2008 was the day that my life was turned upside down.  Watching my sweet boy die and then saying goodbye to him will likely be the most difficult thing that I will ever face in my life (at least I pray that it is). 

Anniversaries are a time for reflection.  They are sad and they are difficult.  The vivid memories that I have seem like they were just yesterday.  Yet it also seems like a lifetime since I last held my baby boy.  It's painful to reflect on that time in my life.  But it's when I reflect that I can see God and I can see the path that He is leading me down.  I can see what God has done in my life the past 3 years:  the pain, the sorrow, the hope, the joy.  It's all there.  It's not better.  It's not worse.  I'm just better at dealing with the pain and sorrow and focusing on the hope and joy. 

Miss you sweet boy!

not as bad

For the past 3 years, March has been a really rough month.  I expected that to be true once again.  But to my surprise, it hasn't been.  Sure, there are periods of reflection and sadness and my kids are definitely hurting (and acting out because of it) but it's not all consuming this year. 

Today was one of the rougher days.  I was volunteering in my son's class at school when another mom walked in with her little boy that was born just a month before Nate.  I've seen him many times before and to be honest I usually just look away to avoid the pain that might be stirred up inside.  Today was especially hard to ignore as a bunch of the kids in the class ran over to him with excitement.  It's not everyday they have a cute 3 year old in their class and they were thrilled to say hello and give him high-5's.  My heart broke a little for my son who should have been able to proudly show off his little brother to all of his friends but instead sat quietly at his desk.  And my heart broke even more to see a visual confirmation of what my life should be.  A mom running around with her 3 year old son in tow.

But most of the month has gone surprisingly better than expected.  I can partly attribute the ease of this month to the crazy schedule that I have had.  With all 4 kids playing competitive sports pretty much every day of the week, there is very little time to wallow in pity.  In fact, we have been out of town 3 of the last 4 weekends for State Cup soccer playoffs and are packing up to head out one more time (my daughter's team made it to the semi-finals!).  We typically go out of town once or twice a year so packing and unpacking for 6 of us on top of everything else every week is exhausting... but a good distraction.

I am grateful for this.  I am grateful that we are not sitting home on our weekends attempting to fill the void with projects around the house or hopelessly waiting for someone to invite us to do something...anything.  Our soccer weekends have been fun.  I absolutely LOVE cheering for my daughter and proudly watching as she plays a game that she is truly passionate about.  She is learning so many life lessons both on and off the field.  Life lessons that I can't teach her.   And, it's been really fun to hang out with all of the parents at the games and at the hotel. 

My social life is all very superficial.  I won't lie.  I really don't have deep, meaningful relationships at this point in time.  But it's easier to be around people that didn't hurt me.  I have conquered the forgiveness part...I just can't forget.

I am becoming very fond of the "fresh start" philosophy.  I spent so much time trying to fix the hurt and repair the relationships that it was wiping me out.  It's just refreshing to be able to enjoy myself without any baggage.  Especially this month. 

a good day

I can't tell you how much I appreciate all of the support I received from this community last week.  It feels so good to have other people acknowledge Nate's birthday and offer prayers to my family.  There were very few people that acknowledged it outside of the blogging world so I appreciated it even more.

Saturday ended up being a good day. 

We laughed. 

We cried. 

We survived.
  

That's all I can ask for.

 

Our first stop was to have lunch at our local McDonald's.  We've done this the past 2 years to commemorate the month that we spent at the Ronald McDonald House.  We even let the twins get Happy Meals (a rarity) since a portion of the cost is donated to help other families like ours.

Then we stopped by the party store on our way to Disneyland.  We let everyone pick out a special balloon and we all wrote him a special birthday note that we attached to the balloons.

Kaylee did both sides.

Then we gathered around his brick to sing Happy Birthday and do our balloon release.  Typically I have to ask a stranger passing by to take photos for us.  But this year, a kind mom stopped by our little celebration and asked if we wanted her to take pictures for us.  She was so incredibly sweet.  It was such a nice blessing. 

We huddled together and sang a very tearful Happy Birthday to our little man.  I just love this shot that she took because you can read his brick right in the middle of our circle.

Then we let our balloons go and watched them float away.

It was a warm and beautiful BLUE SKY day.  Thank you God for that little blessing. 

It's always so emotional watching our balloons float away. 

The twins wanted to have a birthday cake for him so I snuck one into the park (can you believe they weren't going to let us bring it in?) and we sat down in the middle of Fantasyland for a little party.

Then we enjoyed our afternoon at the park.  It was unusually crowded.  Actually it was packed!  We didn't get on many rides but we had fun anyway.

We always get our kids a Disney "Birthday Button" when it's their birthday so we got one for Nate too.  My husband wore it all day long and loved it when the Disney employees would walk by and say "Happy Birthday Nathan".  The kids and I wore "I'm Celebrating" buttons to make the day extra special. 

After a long debate about where to eat dinner (a hard, emotional day for the kids), we decided to eat at Downtown Disney.

We finished off the night by letting the kids each pick out their own Disney balloon to take home (a very special treat that is only given on Nate's birthday).

And the night was finished off perfectly with the most amazing fireworks display!

I just love this picture with the fireworks going off behind the kids' balloons. 

Though it is still the month of March and I find myself reliving the days that we spent in the hospital with Nathan, I am relieved that his birthday is over.  Upon reflection, we realized that we spent the day in a way that honored our son and was right for our family.  I just wish that I didn't get bummed about all of  the people that didn't remember his birthday or acknowledge how hard this month is for us.  Maybe next year that won't matter. 

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All of my other kids have a birthday banner that we hang at their party every year. So Shayna and I decided that we wanted to make one for Nate last week. She helped me pick out fabric, cut out letters and sew it all together. I was thankful to share that experience with her. We both enjoyed doing something special for Nathan. We dragged that banner around with us the entire day. The inconvenience of it was far outweighed by the blessing it gave us.

happy birthday sweet boy

Oh how I wish that you were here to celebrate your 3rd birthday with us.  I would love to watch you squeal with delight as you opened up your presents and laugh and play with all of your friends.  Instead we will celebrate your birthday without you.  It won't be nearly as fun.  But we will honor you because we love you.  And because we love you we will make it a great day. 

Happy 3rd Birthday Nathan Ryan Larson! 

Our life was forever changed the day that you were born. 






Thanks, Crystal Theresa!

comfort

Thank you to every one of you that left me a comment or sent me an email this week.  Grief and sadness are so much easier to manage when you are being lifted up in prayer and being comforted by kindness.  My real life doesn't contain much of either so I am so grateful for the love that I have received from this blogging community. 

The days leading up to Nate's birthday are typically the most difficult.  I wish more than anything that I was busy running around to prepare for his birthday party.  Instead, I sit here... alone.  Definitely not the life I had planned for but trying to do the best with what I was given.  Tomorrow will be filled with a myriad of emotions but I am looking forward to the relief that I will feel once yet another tough day is behind us.

march

It's here.  Once again, our most difficult month of the year has arrived.  This is Nate's month.  From start to finish.  No question about it.  To commemorate the month I put a wreath on our front door.  The green represents "March" and the blue ribbon represents "Nate".  This will mean nothing to most people that walk by our house or ring our doorbell.  But for our family, it will represent Nathan's presence in our lives.  How he has forever changed what this month means to all of us.   

We have been trying to decide how to celebrate Nathan's birthday this Saturday.  It was complicated by the fact that my daughter had a State Cup soccer playoff 2 hours away this weekend.  We played through a bunch of scenarios and shed a few tears trying to figure out how to honor Nathan AND let her play soccer.  We were extremely relieved to have received an email late last night informing us that the games have been postponed one week -- whew! 

So now we are back to a much more simpler celebration.  It will involve balloons, Disneyland and our kids.  The way it has been for the past two years.  The way that it will likely be for years to come. 

To most people, the month of March represents shamrocks and the arrival of Spring.  For my family, it was the only days that our son spent on earth with us.  March was the only time that we got to see him, touch him, hold him.  This month is hard but special.  It's not just another month for us. 

GODincidence

I was inspired to write this post from Debby's post last week on on the same subject.  Sometimes I wonder if God is listening.  He has been pretty quiet in my life lately.  At a time when I have begged Him to be loud.  But last Saturday night, He showed me that He's still there.

We were at our regular bible study across the street.  Normally, our kids aren't with us.  But this was a special night where we all gathered for dinner and a movie.  The movie was on the life of Jesus.  Nothing like The Passion of the Christ.  It was pretty corny and not very well acted but a good visual nonetheless. 

As usual, I was uncomfortable watching.  The birth of baby Jesus brought memories of Nate's birth to the forefront of my mind.  I had to look away.  I couldn't stare at that sweet baby's face.  I was feeling very vulnerable...and sad.  Then, later in the film, Jesus was called to the death bed of a precious little girl.  Her parents were sobbing and begging Jesus to save her life.  Again, memories of Nate flooded my mind.  All of the times that I begged for God to save his life came rushing back again.  Not only the memories of me on the floor pleading with God but also the memories of God saying No.  I felt so rejected...again.

I looked at my husband who was sitting across the room and mouthed the words "I don't know if I can watch this".  As I did, Jesus was approaching the little girls bed from which she took her last breath from only moments before.  I knew the story and I couldn't bear to watch him heal her little body and bring her back from the dead.  I know that He did that.  I'm thrilled that He did that.  But, it's just painful for me to watch.  So I prepared to step away. 

Before I could rise off of the couch, one of my 6 year old twins came running into the room.  She had been upstairs watching a Disney movie.  I hadn't seen her for over an hour and just when I needed it, she hopped on my lap and cuddled me.  She had nothing to say.  Nothing to ask for.  She was just there.  Giving me comfort at a time when I needed it most.  I knew at that very moment that God had sent her in there for me.  That He knew that I was struggling and that He wanted to help.  It felt good.  It felt really good.

I hope and pray that God continues to show me his love through tangible ways like last weekend.  I know that He's there but I don't always feel Him.  It's so much easier to get through the tough stuff when He is holding my hand.