it's been 5 years since I kissed him goodbye...

March 30th.   A date that I do not like.  A date that meant tragedy for our family. 

My heart is heavy.  But  I will laugh today.  My eyes are sad.  But I will smile today.  I will playback the events of his death...hour by hour in my mind.  But I will cheer on my kids at their games and try to keep my head from "going there".  I will laugh...and I will cry.

Bittersweet.  The story of my life.

This week I had to submit a Kindergarten photo of Noah for an end of school project.  It was hard to look through those photos.  He was 5.  Nathan looked just like Noah.  I can only imagine that he would look like him now...

(SIGH)

I'm posting something that I was asked to write for a guest post on God's Angels Gone Too Early last October.  It helps me when I can reflect and see how far I have come.

Time

I am continually amazed by how different things are now as compared to after Nate died. In fact, I often refer to my life in two stages: before Nate AND after Nate. His death was a defining moment. It changed EVERYTHING.

After his death, I prayed for God to take my life. I wanted to die. Living was too hard. I didn't know how to endure the horrendous pain that manifested itself in both physical and emotional ways. I NEVER thought that it would get better. I couldn't think of life in terms of weeks, months or years. I had to take it day by day. Often times, hour by hour. I was simply trying to survive. No more, no less. Images of Nate's death played through my mind, over and over and over again. I watched him die a thousand times...maybe more.

We went on a long journey before we hit that 2 year mark that we had heard so much about. The supposed end of the grief cycle. Oh how we longed to get through the first two years. It’s not the finish line that we hoped it would be. It’s just a route marker on our life long journey. No more. No less.

It’s only when we looked back at the first two years that we could see what we wanted to see. Looking back revealed our progress. We could see how our joy returned and our sadness was minimized. The gray glob of gunk that hung over our lives blocking out the sunshine started to blow away. We began looking at the world with blue sky eyes again. Most days and through most circumstances, the sun was shining and the skies were blue.

Many people have told us that time heals all wounds. So many in fact that I can’t even count. Clearly these well-wishers have never buried a child. But, it’s just one of those things that people say in an attempt to make you feel better. We’ve learned firsthand that time heals nothing. I will say that again: Time heals nothing! The ticking of the clock and the revolution of the earth does absolutely nothing to mend hearts and heal grief. If that were the case, I would have climbed into bed and remained there for 24 months.

Rather, it’s what you do with the time that allows healing to occur. It’s physically walking through the darkness. Stepping out of the comfort of home and stepping into an unpredictable world. It’s coming face to face with the pain of what we wished our life would be. Looking into a sweet baby’s eyes rather than quickly looking away. It’s having conversations with people that disappointed us. Forgiving them for their lack of compassion and allowing our hearts to be mended from the rejection.

We’ve worked hard these past 4 1/2 years. I never realized how hard until I looked back. Before Nate died I would have never thought twice about going to a school event or walking into a grocery store. But those types of things were tremendously difficult for us for years. Not only did we think twice about it but we had to have entering and exit strategies. We had to emotionally prepare for the unexpected. We never knew when or where an insensitive comment would fly by and smack us upside the head. We never knew when we would step outside our door and become face to face with someone that abandoned us in our darkest hour. It would have been easier to move away to a place where we were unknown.Where we could live our lives without fearing these obstacles. But we didn’t. We faced them. Because we did that…healing occurred.

The past couple of years we are finding that we are not nearly as needy as we have been in the past. We were blessed with a healthy baby boy this past Christmas: our RAINBOW from God.

He didn't take away the storm or repair the damage that the storm caused but he brought the sunshine back into our home and restored the faith that rainbows are designed to promise. But I worry about him. Constantly. I know how precious life is and I know how quickly it can be taken away. I feel extremely vulnerable. Life is so very different now.

One thing that I didn't expect to happen was that people would start to treat us normally again. For 4 1/2 years, we were ignored. Completely and utterly ignored. As if we didn't even exist. After Brady was born, we were suddenly getting invited to parties and events. We didn't understand why. People that hadn't spoken to us for almost 4 years began talking to us again. It was awkward. We didn't know what to do with that. We desperately needed these people 4 years ago and they abandoned us. Now that we have a baby they want to be our friends? Huh? My amazing pediatrician told me this:

"They didn't know how to treat you when you DIDN'T have a baby but they do now that you DO have a baby."

It makes sense. I get it. Kinda. But just because I have a baby doesn't put me back in the "before Nate died" time line. I can never go back to that place. We just have to get used to our new normal...

It will take us a lifetime.

 

the things people say...

I have posted about this subject before but I have more to say.  Before, I focused on the hurtful words.  The insensitive comments.  Things like:

• Are you over it yet?
• You can't let this ruin your life.
• I'm sorry to hear that your baby has a heart defect.  I don't mean to change the subject but did your sister in law have her baby yet?
• God doesn't give you more than you can handle.
• Everything happens for a reason...

Yadda

Yadda

Yadda

What I want to talk about today is about the wonderful things that people say.  Things like:

• Remembering your sweet Nathan today.
• Wishing Nate a Happy Birthday.
• I know that March is hard for you.  You are in my thoughts and prayers
• The sweet blogger who visited Nate's brick on her trip to Disney (and emailed me a picture of it).
• The amazing people that posted comments on my blog or sent me emails of support. Your comments mean so much. SO, SO MUCH!!!
• Nothing!!!  Sometimes....the best thing ever is just to say Nothing! 

Last Sunday I was out of town at my daughters' gymnastics competition.  My husband was out of town 5 hours in the opposite direction for my daughters soccer tournament.  It was a tough day. 
March 17th. 
Nate's original due date. 
The day that we celebrated him finally coming off of the ventilator after his surgery 7 days before. 
The first day that we laughed and smiled during our hospital stay. 
A day that I re-live in my mind each and every year.

The "date" was painful.  The "day" was stressful.  The "circumstances" were overwhelming.  I couldn't contain myself.  I burst into tears.  Right there in the middle of their competition.  I just started sobbing. 

One of the sweetest and most compassionate moms just held my hand slowly rubbing it with comfort.  She didn't say anything.  She was just there.  She just let me cry.  She didn't let go...


That's what helps.  That's what gets me through this month...and this life.

4+2=6

 

Back in 2006, I had these adorable "flip flop" prints made of my four kids.  They have been hanging in my upstairs hallway ever since.  They were WAY overpriced.  I remember thinking "I can do that myself".  But didn't think that I would have the occasion.  We thought that we were done with four...

 

As you all know...we weren't. 

I wanted to add Nate's prints.  It's not fair that he's not included. 

But I didn't know how. 

It's been on my mind. 

Trying to figure out how to incorporate him. 

Then Brady arrived.

Certainly, I couldn't add Brady without adding Nate.  Then, I figured it out...I had a plan.  It involved this:

I didn't want Nate's "flip flop" to be the same size as Brady's.  Nate is our forever baby.  That is just how we think of him...so I waited for Brady to get bigger.

In January, I had a free day and was ready to tackle this project.  It was emotional...I knew it would be.  I bought modeling clay and pressed it into Nate's ceramic mold that was made in the mortuary.  Oh...I won't go into the thoughts that filled my head...

It worked.  I was able to make a stamp that I pressed into paint and made this:

 

LOVE!

 

Now 4+2 does equal 6 on our wall.

 

It always adds up to 6 in our hearts.

I wrote a book...?

33,797 words.  A lot.  A little.  I'm not sure.  They just poured out.

Three years ago, God put it on my heart to write.  It was a specific, intentional direction.  I followed. 

It took me a year to do it.  Not because it was difficult to write.  To the contrary.  But because it was difficult to find the time to do it.  Most days are so busy.  And to be honest, some days I just couldn't "go there" in my head.  Reading through my journals and re-living that intense grief was not fun.

It's been finished for two years. 

Just sitting on my computer.  Still not sure what to do with it. 
It's raw. 
It's honest. 
It might hurt the feelings of some.  It might help a lot of others.  It might just end up sitting on my computer forever and never being read.

I guess I'm just waiting for God to tell me.

Just waiting...

Life is busy.  That's a good thing for us most of the time.  Being alone with my thoughts and memories is hard.  This past weekend my kids had 8 games plus gymnastics training in a 80+ mile radius.  It was busy.  It was exhausting.  It was good.

During one of the soccer games, my twins kept themselves busy playing with a bunch of rocks.  I kept an eye on them but was focused on the game.  After the final whistle they ran to me with excitement...so thrilled to share their artwork.

Isn't it cool?  NATHAN DOES ROCK!
I just love that he is always on their minds and they can express it like this.

our day...

IT was an emotional day.  IT was a gloomy day. 

IT was a fun day.  IT was a memorable day. 

 

FIVE was hard.  I thought it would be easier as the years passed.  This one was not.

 

I was sooooo good to be back at Disneyland again.  365 days is too long.  I missed seeing his brick.  I missed just being there. We will not let this much time pass again.  Even if we can't go into the park, we WILL visit his brick (just outside the gates) more often.

Thanks to some very special people (who I know were led by God), we were ALL able to get into the park for his birthday.  Last week, a special mama who reads my blog emailed me with a Disney connection that resulted in two people that don't even know us donating each of their "2 employee comp passes" to us(4 in total).  I still can't believe that.  It completely humbles me.

Being that we live 30 minutes from Disney, there are a lot of people in our area that work there.  We don't have a lot of "friends" but we have a ton of acquantences with all of our kids activities...so we asked everyone.  For weeks we came up empty.  No luck.  Then the evening before, we got good news.  Someone's friend (again who doesn't even know us) was working that day and was able to sign the other 2 of us into the park for FREE.  Unbelievable.  Seriously.

We had planned on buying the other 2 tickets (a whopping $81 each/child) but finances are tight these days so it was a relief that we didn't have to.  And what was even more special is that God orchestrated ALL of this...in it's craziness.  It was a lesson in FAITH.  It was an example of LOVE.

We went to the park earlier this year since we only had 1 day to do everything that we wanted (having passes sure did take the pressure off of trying to fit everything in). 

We were stopped at the "security" check (pointless I might add) and told that we would NOT be allowed to bring in our cake (which I had tried to hide at the bottom of the stroller) and our banner.  WHAT!?!   My blood began to boil.  I was mad.  Steaming on the inside.  How dare they deny me my son's celebration.

We waited for a supervisor.  I was not going down this easily.  I was going to fight for this one...Once again we were denied.  Authoritatively.  It was their POLICY!

I began explaining WHY we were bringing the cake and banner in.  I begged this lady to not deny us this one celebration...I was angry on the inside...tears were falling on the outside.

The supervisor began to cry as well and said that she would not deny us of this...she later saw us over by his brick and offered to take photos of us (all the photos of the balloon release were taken by her). 

After we released our balloons my oldest was sobbing.  She couldn't stop.  This once authoritative lady came over and hugged her...and didn't let go.  It turns out that she had lost 2 brothers years ago.  It was no coincidence that she was the "supervisor" that was working that day...

 

 

I bought GOLD balloons for his Golden Birthday and we tied our handwritten notes and birthday wishes to each one.

Kaylee drew a picture on the back of hers of her and Nate holding hands.  She wrote:  "I wish we could do this".  SIGH...broke my heart all over again.

We said a prayer...sang Happy Birthday and let them go. 

There was no blue sky. 

It was gloomy.

 

We spent most of our day in the new CARSland.  I figured that this was what Nate would want to do.  SO we gave him a CARS birthday.  We tried to incorporate CARS into our entire day.

 

My favorite photo.  The sun came out for an hour...I hate gloomy days and my husband said that I should be grateful that God gave us an hour of BLUE SKY.

Love the "LOVE" t-shirts that the twins are wearing!  And the "heart U" outfit that Brady has on.

 

This was Nate's stroller.  It's a long story but we had to have him at a really yucky hospital in Hollywood, CA (in reality HOLLYWOOD is a really bad area) so that he could have surgery next door at Children's Hospital LA.  Evidently most people are too poor to buy carseats for their babies so the hospital gives everyone either a car seat OR a stroller as a "gift" before you leave. 

CRAZY!!!

 

Anyway, we kept Nate's stroller in our garage for years.  I just couldn't part with it.  I'm so glad because now I get to use it for Brady.  I just love using it.  It's so nice that we have something of Nate's  (and we always have the giraffe with us, Christy).  Brady LOVED Disney soooo much.  He was up the entire day only taking a 20 minute nap!

 

A "CARS" bread!

 

 

A "CARS" birthday celebration!

 

 

Keeping our balloon tradition.  I LOVE seeing them in their rooms all month long.

 

A very, very late dinner at McDonald's.  Tradionally, we eat lunch there before we go to the park but this year we left in the morning.  This was at 8:30pm.

 

And we finished off the night with Shamrock Shakes.  There was a McDonald's INSIDE Childrens Hospital so we had lots of McDonalds and shamrock shakes during our stay. 

A bittersweet memory.

 

 

 

 

**** SPECIAL THANKS****

 

I must take a moment to thank a few people for making this happen.  First of all to God...for I know that He was behind it all.  Second to a follower named Derin H. who made the most generous offer ever.  Third to M and her family member who was so generous.  Fourth to a stranger that works at Disney and was kind to perfect strangers.  Fifth to B who doesn't read this blog but I must thank her for hooking us up with her friend.  Sixth to a Disney employee named "K" who signed in 2 of our kids and saved us $162. 

 

Happy Golden Birthday Nate!

FIVE!

I can't believe that you would be 5 today.  It seems like just yesterday that I held you and yet it feels like it was a lifetime ago.  We are going to celebrate you today in the same way that we celebrate all of our birthdays.  You ARE a huge part of our family...I just wish that you could live here with us.

Happy Birthday to my sweet little boy.  Your mama loves you!

hugs

This is "Nathan Bear". 

The sailboat onesie is part of the layette that we bought for Nate (but he never wore).  We let my then 9 year old daughter make a special comfort bear at Build-A-Bear a couple weeks after his death.  We thought it would help as she cried herself to sleep every night.

5 years later.  It still sits on her bed.  Every day.  It's well loved.  It's a source of comfort for her.  This morning I took it off her bed and gave it some love.  I woke up to sadness.  I needed hugs.

I let Brady play with it and the first thing that he tried to do was share his pacifier with him.  I was so glad that I had my camera and was able to capture this.  It just melts my heart. 

He will never know his brother.  This is as close as it will get.