Don't say...

Don't use foul or abusive language. Let everything you say be good and helpful, so that your words will be an encouragement to those who hear them.

Ephesians 4:29


I don't want people to feel as if they are on thin ice around the grief-stricken. Of course it's uncomfortable. Of course, you don't want to say anything to further upset them. And, if you haven't been in that situation, you don't know what to say. So, I've put together some pitfalls to avoid. Surprisingly, these are the most common comments we received. Many of these are taken from a book titled Sunrise Tomorrow.



"Call me if you need me." Grief stricken people are way to far in the dark to ask for help. They need people to reach out to them. They probably don't even know what they need. It's much easier to say "Thanks, but no thanks" than it is to say "Does anyone care?" So call them. If they don't call back, send an email. If they still don't respond keep doing it. Don't give up! They may not be able or ready but it doesn't hurt (and even helps) to keep trying.

"How are you doing?" This question is asked so commonly. Often times it's not sincere. Even when it is asked with good intentions, it's a very difficult question to answer. It's hard to gage if someone REALLY wants to know what you are struggling with or if they just want confirmation that you're okay (even if you're not). If you are having a heart to heart conversation, this question may be appropriate. But don't use it flippantly.

"God won't give you more than you can handle." I can't even begin to count the number of times we were told this. The bible actually doesn't even say that. It says that God won't tempt you beyond your capabilities. In fact the bible is full of circumstances that are way beyond what anyone can handle.

"You're still young." That may be true but it's not comforting to someone in the middle of a deep dark pit of grief. It makes it sound like the pain that they are in doesn't matter because of their age. Grief knows no age.

"You'll be okay because everyone is praying for you." There are no promises in the bible regarding that. Thousands prayed for Nathan to live and he didn't. The same is true for most others that pass after fighting lengthy diseases. Keep praying...just don't make any promises on behalf of God.

"God must have a reason." God can bring goodness out of the pain and sadness. But if someone died, it's hard to see beyond the pain. Save that one for later.

"Are you better now?" Some people don't want to deal with the grief. They wait until people are back to normal to engage. People who are grieving need support when they are hurting. Run to them. If you're spending time with them, you'll know how their doing. You won't even need to ask this question.

"Be strong." People need to get the grief out. It's really unhealthy to pretend or deny the feelings. Encourage them to be weak and tell them that you'll be strong so they don't have to.

"It's time to pull out of this depression." Intense grief will last at least a year. During that time, survival day to day is all that can be expected. The second year is about learning how to go on and live life without the loved one. It's still a very tough year. The earliest one can expect to be "okay" again is two years. Of course everyone is different. But for those that deal with the grief in a healthy way, it's usually about two years and then it will re-surface off and on for the rest of their lives.


Why-

People think that they have to fix it with words. They think that if they say the right thing, they can make it all better. The truth is that rarely did someone say something that helped. The people that offered us the most support are the people that would just be there. They would listen without judging us or telling us that what we're feeling is wrong. All of these comments were said to me at one time or another. Most of them didn't hurt deeply. But some did. The ones that hurt the most were from the people that only said that one comment. When a bad comment is surrounded by tangible love and caring, it doesn't usually hurt.