because of THIS day...

I will see my son again.

Most people that I know this of this day in terms of Heaven...eternity.  I now think of this day in terms of holding my sweet Nate again.  I'm so grateful for that.  I honestly don't know how I would be able to keep moving forward without that truth.  I can't begin to tell you how thankful I am for this day.  This day...it is EVERYTHING!!!!

This day is even more relevant this week.  It was a tough week.  

Tough meaning T-O-U-G-H!!!!!  

Dealing with super yucky stuff that we have never had to deal with before.  Stuff that is scary.

Trusting God even more now that the scary stuff is in our face.  Trusting in His plan.  His purpose.  His TRUTH!!!!!

It was a very tough week...but it was a very beautiful day!

The day started full of hope...

it ended with many broken hearts.

Our sweet boy died 7 years ago today.  It's his "Heaven Day" but we don't really celebrate that.  I find a tremendous amount of comfort in knowing that he is in Heaven and that we will see him again.  But it is not a day that I feel like celebrating.  It's just a day that I try to survive.  

These past 7 years I have wrestled with God -- A LOT!  In fact just yesterday in church my eyes filled with tears and I found myself once again angry with Him.  Angry that my heart had to hurt so much.  But then I was reminded of all of the times that He did hold my hand.  He did that again this morning...

As I took the twins to school I met up with another mom who's 16 year old son died of cancer on Valentines Day...

My oldest daughter was in some classes with him and knew his older sister so we took her to his funeral.  It was a Muslim funeral so with all of the scarfs I wasn't able to identify the parents.  I didn't realize until this weekend that it was the same family that also had a son in my twins' class last year.  The mom of a child that I had volunteered in class with many, many times.

We stood on the blacktop and cried together for a long time this morning.  It was no coincidence that God connected us on this day.  As I looked into her dark sorrowful eyes I could vividly see the person I once was.  The grief was all consuming.  It was ONLY her 3 other children that gave her a reason to live.  

That was me.  
I was her.  
But I'm not anymore.  I have changed in these past 7 years.  God has helped me heal.  I'm still sad.  I will always be sad.  Especially on tough days like today.  But it's always comforting to know that the grief does not consume me like it once did.  

I walked through it...and I walked out.  

I say that because it didn't JUST happen.  It was a lot of work.  

A LOT!  

But I did what I needed to do to heal my heart enough to finish this life and I walked out knowing that I will be united with him again. 

So as I relive the events that unfolded 7 years ago today.  The day that started with "Your son is doing so well he can go home tomorrow" and ended with "I'm sorry, there's nothing more we can do".  I will hold on to the reminder that God gave me this morning when He showed me that I am not that grief-stricken mom anymore.  And He will get me through this day like He has for the past 6 years.   

Miss you sweet boy!!

Click Here if you would like to read more about Nate's last day. 

A beautiful day for Nate!

 March 5th turned out to be a beautiful blue sky day.  

Both literally and figuratively.

We did our thing.  Our tradition that brings us comfort.  Known expectations.

We sang.  We cried.  I will never get used to singing Happy Birthday to a child that lives in Heaven.  It will never feel right.  It will never be right.  Never

The day was an amazing blue sky day.  

Perfect weather.  

This was the first year that Brady sent a balloon and birthday wish.  We didn't realize it until after but we sent up 7 balloons for his 7th birthday!

This one was thrilled to watch the balloons float into the sky.  

We tried to explain...he doesn't understand...YET.  

But he does know that Nathan is his brother!

We made it into the Park!!!!!

Thanks to a couple of amazing Disney employees that were kind enough to help us.  

LOVE them!

Brady is completely obsessed with CARS.  

He kept singing Happy Birthday so some of the employees asked him if it was his birthday.  I explained that we were celebrating Nate's...they gave him a special "I'm celebrating Nate" button.

Seriously...Cars Land is the best place ever!!!  We love everyone that works there.

Keeping with tradition we had lunch at Rainforest Cafe.  That place is ridiculously expensive.  Everything at Disney is...  Luckily we had more free kids meal coupons from the Library reading program.  It was SOOOO nice to sit down and be waited on for an hour!  Did I say SOOOO nice? 

We celebrated Nate again.  

The park was empty.  Not crowded at all!  So grateful as we were able to get on most every ride that we wanted to.  It's tough when you only go once a year...so much to do!

We made cupcakes and had a family party near Olaf since we did an Olaf theme.  Abandoned the birthday cake two years ago as it was too difficult to get into the park (Disney does NOT allow cakes -- cupcakes are fine though - whatever).

Made sure that we got the kids balloons before it was too late (like last year).  

I especially love this tradition.

We finished the day at 9pm with our annual trip to McDonalds in honor of our 3 weeks staying at The Ronald McDonald house.  We are so grateful for that organization and happy to learn that Shamrock Shakes help support The Ronald McDonald House Charities.  

Everyone go and buy a Shamrock Shake - NOW!!!!

It was a long day.  We got up early and sent the kids to school for an hour then spent 10 hours at Disney.  We were all exhausted.  Emotions fly when you are tired.  

We were wiped!

Overall it was truly a beautiful day.  

We received a tremendous gift to be able to spend that day as a family at the Happiest Place on Earth.  We find comfort in tradition.  The unknown is scary.   Praying that we can keep this tradition until we are ready to find a new one.

****Thank you to everyone of you that left a comment, email or text remembering Nate.  As they came in throughout the day I was comforted in the fact that people care...people remembered.  Can't really explain it...but it feels like a big huge hug!

He would be seven...

Happy Birthday sweet Nate!!!

We are celebrating you today. 

 ...and missing you today.

Life was changed forever the day you were born.  

We hope you know how much you are missed...and loved.

Love,

Mommy

I didn't expect to write this one...

...but when I woke up in the middle of the night writing this post in my head, I figured I better.

So... I'm vulnerable this time of year.  I referenced that fact in my last post.  Evil tries so hard to break me... 

Yesterday, a random, ignorant cyber bully commented on my post (this was not their first time).  I don't receive many comments so I was very excited when I saw one pop up.  The words were cruel.  I will admit that it slapped me across the face and left me feeling well...pretty crappy.  Typically I delete such comments immediately but I decided to leave this one up.

I found myself singing Taylor Swift..."Haters gonna hate hate hate...Shake it off, shake it off."  And then I started to pity the person.  I mean someone must be in a pretty dark place to write something like that, especially given the timing..  My heart started breaking for them...and I said a few prayers on their behalf.

Then...God came to my rescue.  He put it on the heart of a perfect stranger to defend me...PUBLICLY!  I was shocked.  Amazed.  It feels so good when anyone has your back.  It felt especially good to be reminded that God has my back. 

The chaos has not finished...my daughters school was on lock down today for a pipe bomb threat.  None of my kids' schools have EVER been on lock down.   Of course it would happen today...the day before Nate's birthday.  So thankful it was JUST a threat.

Every single year stuff like this happens...always in the days before Nate's birthday.





***Thank you Julie!  I can't begin to tell you what that meant to me!  XOXO

doin' our thing...

The time has come.  Once again, it's March.   
Nate's Month - always and forever!

Grief is always heavier this month.  I refuse to allow it to keep me down but its tries.  It tries hard.  So...we do our thing.  We put Nate's wreath up on the door and we plan his birthday.  I have noticed that many other Angel Mommies don't plan birthday celebrations.  I'm not so sure if this is something that I am supposed to do.   I just know that it's something that I WANT to do.  We make a big deal about every other one of our children's birthdays.  It just seems right to make a big deal out of his.

So, yesterday we headed out to the party store.  There is always much thought into what "theme" we should do.  The kids always try to think what character he would be most into.  Seven was tough.  We struggled to figure out what he would be into at SEVEN.  We settled on Olaf.  Since we were going to Disneyland...and because we have already done most of the other Disney characters.  So...Olaf it will be.

I am preparing my heart for joy this Thursday.  I always allow Satan to bring me down by people not remembering Nate's birthday.  That's on me.  Working hard on that one.  This week also typically brings a bunch of chaos.  It just rarely goes smoothly.  There is always some sort of emotional or physical conflict.  This year, my daughter's high school soccer awards night is on Nate's birthday.  The one and only day of the year that we are unavailable.  Of course!  So...she will miss her recognition night.  That makes me sad. 

I know that God has a plan for us.  And I know that He knows how important March 5th is for us.  Trusting Him to take care of us... this week especially.

sometimes...

you meet a complete stranger.  
Someone that offers a gesture that comforts your heart.  
At a time that your heart is hurting....aching.
A gesture that must have come directly from God.
There is no other explanation.
Especially when I learn that she too has experienced a similar loss.
A special RAINBOW connects us. 
A faithful God continues to carry me through...

I think we are going to be able to celebrate Nate's birthday at Disney this year (it's never a done deal until we are inside the park but it looks promising).  The funny thing is...I really didn't even stress about it.  Instead, I tried something new and just embraced my Faith.  He's always found a way in the past to make it happen.  He did it again.

When the time comes to change our tradition, I trust that He will make that transition okay as well.  Just thankful it isn't this year.  It's just so much easier to spend Nate's birthday at The Happiest Place On Earth!   A sad day...turned into joy!   

Thank you Disney for hiring amazing people that make our dreams come true.

I can't say it anymore...

Nate's birthday is just around the corner.  The grief bug always bites this time of year as I am reminded of his physical presence here on earth and am denied the joy of celebrating his birthday with him.  But over the years I have been getting better at managing my grief while at the same time not denying it.

Things are changing...I've been having good luck lately and wanted to share.  Last year (and most of this year) I have been calling into our local radio station trying to win Disney tickets (we always go to Disneyland to celebrate Nate's birthday).  I NEVER win.  But a couple of weeks ago, I won tickets to another local theme park! 


iHeartMedia LA Prize Pickup Info - MY FM 104.3 - Knott's Berry Farm

 
Woo Hoo!  I called and emailed...and begged them to switch the tickets to Disney tickets but of course there is some lame law that requires the tickets to be non-transferable (NOT COOL).  But...we will get to take the kiddos to a super fun amusement park during Spring Break this year - YAY!



Then...Yesterday, I got this notification from one of my most favorite fellow Angel Mama's (Brady shares the same birthday and her sweet Preslee):

Winner!

Ashley Sullenger at The Sullengers

The winner of the Disney gift card is Trisha Larson! Congratulations! Be on the lookout for an e-mail :)


I won a $40 Disney gift card!  

I'm so excited!  Sometimes the little things are the BIG things.  I need to stop worrying and start trusting...MORE!


Maybe I should go to Vegas?  Or at least buy a lottery ticket?  Now I can't say I never win anymore!!!

2015

A new beginning.  A fresh start.  Scary...  Exciting... 

I never thought much about the new year before 2008.  I just assumed that all years would be similar.  Now I know that some will be amazing, some will be tragic and some will just be boring.  Hoping for amazing... praying against tragic... and more than happy to settle with boring.

Happy 2015!