Wishing you...

A Beautiful Christmas!

Making a point to enjoy the love, chaos, fun, stress, laughter, grief & PEACE.  Christmas 2014 will never happen again so I'm savoring every moment.  This day is even more important to me in recent years.  It is because of Jesus that I will get to see Nate again.  

I'm so exhausted from everything that is "Christmas".  Looking forward to the 26th - one of my new favorite days of the year!

celebrating...3!

Happy 3rd Birthday sweet Brady Ryan!

Three years ago you brought the sunshine back into our lives and continue to shine your rainbow each and everyday.  You are wise beyond your years.  Last week both your Pediatrician and a speech therapist told us that your vocabulary and communication skills are those of a 1st grader.  That melted my heart because your sweet brother, Nate would have been in the first grade this year.   God is giving us a little piece of him through you (sigh).  We can't imagine life without you and hope that we never have to.

You'll NEVER guess what my daughter asked Santa for...

Seriously...could I get a better gift than this?  I don't think so.  Taking a moment out of my insanely busy life to be grateful for what I have and treasure this moment.  This was the ONLY thing she asked for this year!

PS-  Don't tell her I peeked!

Sometimes an "I know" is all we need...

When I gave birth the very first time and was filled with overwhelming and unimaginable love ...a friend visited me in the hospital and all she said was "I know".

When I struggled with potty training my oldest son and thought I was going to have to send him to college in diapers...my entire MOPS table said "I know".

When my kids were 5 and 19 months and I found out I was pregnant with twins I cried for days and days feeling completely overwhelmed...I met another mom with similar aged kids at COSTCO and she said "I know".  

Somehow, knowing that we aren't alone brings comfort.  Walking through life with people that understand soothes our souls.  God wants us to live in community.  He wants us to use our experiences to help one another.  Through the years I have found so much comfort in knowing others that can honestly say "I know".

After Nate died, I felt like NO ONE knew.  Like NO ONE understood.  Like NO ONE cared.  It was very lonely.  Very isolating.  I searched for a community of people that could say "I know".  I didn't know about this amazing blogging community back then.  It was hard to find people that understood.  Much comfort and healing came from being with people that could offer me those two words.  That's all it took.  Two words to completely turn my day around.

This week I received an email from a family member that was hurtful.  I realize that it was written from a place of misunderstanding.  From someone that can't say "I know".  From someone that has absolutely no clue about who I am at this point in my life.  From someone that doesn't even want to try.

It's in these situations that I long for someone to say "I know".  For the comfort and the reassurance that my path has been walked before and that I am not alone.  But there are few that do know.  There are few that understand.  That part is hard.

However, it is this struggle that magnifies the blessings.  True blessings that are abundantly present in my life. This week as we give thanks, I pray that I am able to put that at the forefront of my thoughts and ditch the conflict.  Conflict sucks!  Can I get an "I KNOW" for that one?!!!!!

stitches, rashes and halloween...oh my!

September was so crazy busy that I didn't even have a chance to get on my computer.  School starting x3, teacher switching (on the 10th day of school!), back to school night x3, all 3 girls' birthdays, husband traveling, nightly sports practices x4 (sometimes driving 100 miles per day), gymnastics competitions, soccer games, homework.  

Crazy.  Like wake up at 4am every day and can't go back to sleep because you are so stressed CRAZY!  

So...that's where I've been.  

I tried to change my "everyday is Groundhog day" attitude this month.  The month that is my least favorite.  

**SIDE NOTE- why do people have to put gravestones, skeletons and bloody looking creepy things in their front yard to decorate????   I don't get it and I don't like it!  Am I the only one?

So my wonderful outgoing, friendly, optimistic personality started coming out this month...NOT!  So far in addition to the above crazy stuff with 5 kids, I've had to deal with stitches (removal of a cyst in my older son's mouth that had complications) and now Brady is covered in some kind of yucky rash that has yet to be officially diagnosed (first thought to be chicken pox and now maybe hand foot mouth?) It has been tricky getting everyone else where they need to go with a contagious 2 year old.  I just love dealing with medical stuff - not!  But I do love having extra cuddle time with my sweet boys - just hoping I don't break out in a rash next week!

FUN TIMES!!!

Why can't Fall and I get along?  I even tried to embrace the month by taking my kids to the pumpkin patch (our "pumpkin patch" is in the middle of the mall parking lot) -- mostly for a photo op as I was not about to pay for those expensive pumpkins or expensive rides.  Did get some cute pics though....

Am I the only one out there that doesn't like the FALL?

the grief of a child - part 2

Sometimes...your brother's death gives you a different perspective.   Sometimes...spending day after day in a hospital filled with critically ill children gives you compassion.  Sometimes...feeling helpless and sad leads you to take action.

This is how my oldest is managing her grief.  She is trying to turn it around and make something beautiful with it.  Four months after Nate died, she discovered Soccer for Hope.  I've posted about it a few times:

2010
2012
2013

This past December, the couple that founded the organization to help raise money for pediatric cancer research and treatment had to bury their SECOND child.  Their daughter Abella who was born 5 years after they started the camps died from Cancer (their son Hudson died in 2008 - just after Nate).

Our entire family has been involved with helping this organization and raising money for it, but my oldest has embraced it the most.  She LOVES soccer and has a heart for sick kids.  A perfect match.

This year she raised $1,305 from donations and bake sales.  Overall, in the past 6 years, she has raised over $7,000.  Pretty amazing for one kid.

I see other teens that have lost siblings or experienced tragedies experimenting with destructive things.  I'm so grateful that she chooses to focus on helping others.  I hate that she has had such a rough childhood...but I love how she is choosing to live her life.

Mia Hamm stopped by the camp again this year.  She visited in 2008 (just after Nate died) and personally spoke with my daughter.  Mia's brother also died...it was so important to know that she wasn't alone.  I just love when our sports idols are also amazing human beings.

the grief of a child

A few weeks back we rented the movie Heaven is For REAL!

I read the book when it first came out.  I found a lot of comfort in it.  It helped me make peace with Nate's death and gave me comfort by reminding me that I will get to see him again.  Don't get me wrong, I hate every single thing about Nate dying.  Every.  Single.  Thing.  But God used that book to help bring me comfort.

I immediately passed it on to my oldest daughter who was also still struggling with his death.  Like me, it restored some hope that had been lost and soothed the sting of losing him.

So, I was excited to see the movie and sharing the story with the rest of my family.  I didn't think twice about it.

I should have.

My twins, who were 3 1/2 when he died were hysterical after the movie.  Sobbing and sobbing.  Reminded of what they lost.  Regretful that they never got to hold or get to know their brother.

They spewed words of anger toward God.  Why him?  Why us?  Why?  Why?  Why?...Over and over again. 

I found myself defending God.

I presented a defense that I knew would help them make peace with their loss but one that I myself don't completely understand.

Eventually...they fell asleep.  
The grief has yet to return.  
Life has gone on.  
But I know it's still there.   
I know that they are not capable of understanding it.  I know that it will come back.  I know that March 30, 2008 changed the life of our entire family forever.  

It's hard.  Everything about it is just hard.

 

It's official...he is swimming!

I'm not sure why this is so important to me.  Probably because the #1 cause of death for children under 4 is drowning.  I have already walked this path.  I DO NOT want to walk it again.

Paranoid...a little.  Overprotective...a lot!

I feel so much more vulnerable with him.  Before Nate, I knew that bad things could happen but now I KNOW that bad things DO HAPPEN.  

I'm scared.  A lot!

So this Summer I was hopeful that I could teach him to swim.  Not so he could have fun.  So he could live to be 3.  No budget for swimming lessons this year.  But, I watched many a swimming lesson with my other 4.   I was fairly confident that I could teach him.

It helped that he LOVES the water.  No fear at all (another reason that I wanted him to swim).

So now at 2 1/2, Brady can officially swim!

In no way is he water safe!  In fact, he is overly confident and thinks that he can swim across the pool...he's not even close.  I can't take my eyes off him for a second.  In fact, I tell my other kids not to talk to me when I am in the water with Brady because I need to focus on keeping him safe and I know that it only takes a second... 

my highlight reel?

Last weekend at church the message was about our highlight reels.  How we, as a society, tend to only share the highlights of our life with most people and purposely leave out the dysfunction reality.  Evidently this is especially true on social media.   
Amazing pictures = amazing life!?!

I feel like the opposite of that.  I feel like what I share on social media is complete dysfunction.  My sorrow, my anxiety, my fears, my sadness, my loneliness.    Not exactly my highlight reel.

Here's some insight into my latest highlight reel - or not...

I have been complaining all Summer about only having one car (my 10 year old suburban bit the dust almost two months ago).   So we have been sharing my husbands minivan.  A minivan that I do not like.  A minivan that I do not feel safe in (I was in two serious car accidents before and only feel safe in big trucks).  A minivan that he promised that I would never have to drive (it was supposed to be his car).  And now guess who's spending hours a day driving kids to sports?  Oh ya...and just to let you know how much that minivan loves me driving it...broken cooling system, flat tire, new battery & broken automatic door.  It was completely FINE until I started driving it!

Four of our kids are involved in high end competitive sports.  Sports that are extremely expensive and time consuming.  So much money that we have had to change our lifestyle.  We re-worked our entire budget and many line items were removed.  Car payments were one of them.  So we are still sharing.  Committed to living within our means and committed to allowing our kids to do what they LOVE.  Even when we have to do without.

WOW that sounds like something on a highlight reel...I'm such a wonderful mother that makes sacrifices for her children.  NOT!!!  My attitude is crummy.  Ungrateful.  Needing an adjustment.  BIG TIME!  All I can think of is how I want that new Suburban.  The 2015.  The fancy one with a backup camera that we waited for years to be released but ended up being WAY over our budget.

I know that we will figure it out.  I know that God will honor our commitment to be wise with what He has given us.  I know...
 
I do have amazing highlights.  I really do.  

I do have a good life.  I am grateful.  Truly.

Highlights are just that...reality is the 24/7.

My struggles in life will never be as difficult as others.   There will always be someone worse off.  And who am I kidding...driving my husbands minivan is not really a difficulty.

Seriously...someone needs to smack me over the head!