Don't assume anything

Then all his brothers, sisters and former friends came and feasted with him in his home. And they consoled him and comforted him because of all the trials the LORD had brought against him. And each of them brought him a gift of money and a gold ring.

Job 42:11


Don't assume that someone who's lost a child is doing okay. Everyone deals with grief/tragedy differently. Some avoid, some take anti-depressants, some isolate, some are suicidal. It's really hard to judge if people are doing well or if they are drowning. I've talked with a lot of families and most have had similar experiences to ours. Even our counselor agreed that most people that experience grief at a young age lose a significant portion of their friends & family. People just don't know how to deal with it. I believe that this is why God put the book Job in the bible. He knew that people would fail to help the grief-stricken. That's actually a really good book to read for anyone that wants to understand the pain and torment. I relate a lot to Job!

Don't assume that people want to be left alone. You may think (as I once did) that if you lost a child you wouldn't want to see anyone. But, this is usually not the case. Losing a child is such a debilitating experience. You need people to support you. You need to feel loved. You need to be cared for. You need help. Groups of people can be overwhelming. But a quiet visit, a kind letter or a warm email is so helpful.

Don't assume that they want you to report to others how they are doing. When tragedy strikes, people that aren't connected may ask those who are "how's the family doing?". Ask the family if they want you to report this information. If they don't, keep your conversations private. Tell those who ask to contact them directly. Don't encourage the isolation. Help connect them with people who care.

Also, don't assume that their family is taking care of them or that other people are sending cards or keeping in contact. Don't assume that they have food or groceries. Don't assume that they don't need anything. Just because the family appears to have a large support system doesn't mean that they actually do. Visit them...email them...call them...ask!!! You're more likely to know what they need if you are around them on a regular basis.


Why -

The first time that we saw most of our family was at the funeral. Not one of them came over the day Nate died or after the funeral--the two days we needed people the most. In fact only a few of our friends came over that terrible week. Then, we were pretty much alone for months. We had very few people that physically stayed connected. It was hard to be alone. It was hard to take care of 4 kids when we were just trying to breathe in and out. We were so overwhelmed. We've been told by many that they would have done something but assumed that family was helping out. Don't think that just because you aren't close, that you aren't needed. We needed anyone that was willing.

We also had people that were sharing with others how we were doing. Sadly, the ones that did most of the sharing only visited us a couple of hours a month and didn't really have an accurate picture of us. They were presenting information that wasn't whole and because they did that, people didn't come directly to us for that information. That contributed greatly to our isolation. People assumed that we were being supported and therefore didn't ask us. So make sure that you ask the family if they want your role to be a liaison. It may be a gift to them but it also has the potential to be damaging.

We received TONS of cards and flowers the first 2 weeks but then NOTHING. We were still hurting and it seemed as if everyone else moved on and forgot about us. We needed to know that they didn't. We needed to know that people still cared. So, make sure that you are still visiting, sending cards/emails and inviting them to do stuff. Even if they don't respond!!! Don't feel rejected. Don't take it personally. It's so hard to do anything the first few months. You need people to tell you what to do. You need people to help you get through each day. You don't have a clue what you need. It's so important just to make the effort and don't assume that it's unwelcome.



***Even though I lived this and wrote this, I still made this mistake. Weeks after I typed these words, Erik's friend passed away from cancer. He wanted to go to his family the next day and I encouraged him not to. I assumed that they would have a lot of people there and it would be better to wait until after the funeral when the visitors likely diminished. He felt the need to go anyway. I'm so glad he did. There was only 1 other family member comforting the family when he arrived. Though Erik is not a close friend or family member, he was able to help with their funeral arrangements. He was able to provide dinner for that night (no one brought them a meal or any type of food). He was able show them love in a real way. I'm so glad that he didn't listen to me.