Holidays

There is a time to cry and a time to laugh. A time to grieve and a time to dance.

Ecclesiastes 3:4


Holiday's are very tough after a tragedy. Actually, very doesn't do it justice. They are extremely tough! Holiday's are supposed to be joyous occasions that are shared with family. Whether it's backyard bbq's, carving a turkey or celebrating Christ's birth, families are together. Even the simplest of holiday's, like Memorial Day are tough because of that. When a family member is missing, it's hard to be joyous. Thoughts of what should be and what will never be are top of mind. I completely understand why the suicide rate is so high at Christmastime. The holiday's were miserable for us. It's even harder when you are alone and don't have support from family and friends.

If you are family, consider downplaying holiday's for the first year. Ask the family what they would be comfortable doing. There is a time to celebrate and a time to grieve. They are not easily combined. It depends on the family and the circumstances. It's not realistic to think that everything should go on as normal. Nothing is normal for the family that lost a child.

If you are a friend, invite the family to do something. Don't assume that they have plans. Ask them what they would be comfortable doing. Most aren't able to participate in large group events. It's just too overwhelming for them. But, ask! They may already have plans or they may want to be alone but there's a good chance that you will be rescuing them from a dreadful, lonely day.


Why?

Our first holiday, Mother's Day came only 6 weeks after Nate died. If there were ever a year that I earned my title as "Mother" it was that year. After all, I buried my son--unquestionably the hardest thing any "Mother" would ever have to do. But, that year, I was not acknowledged as a mother. Not a single card, phone call or gift. I expected that since my husband was drowning in grief and would not be able to honor me, family members would step in and make sure that something was done. But nothing was. The day was completely ignored. It made a rough day even rougher.

We dreaded every holiday and birthday last year. We didn't feel like celebrating. Everyone we knew was. As if nothing had happened. The world just went on and we were stuck. We spent a lot of holiday's at the movies-- Memorial Day, Father's Day, Labor Day, Thanksgiving and we went ice skating for Christmas Eve.

When Christmas arrived, people didn't ask us how they could help us get through the holiday's. They didn't ask us if we wanted to celebrate or not. They didn't ask us if we wanted to exchange gifts. Family did send us an evite to their "party". But we weren't capable of going to a "party". We were drowning.

Most people didn't even talk to us at all. They just went on with their life as normal and some were offended that we weren't in a position to do the same. But our life was far from normal. It was a miserable time. It was supposed to be our son's 1st Christmas. The whole point of Christmas is celebrating the birth of a baby boy. We are so grateful that Jesus came. Because of that, we will see Nathan again. But it was still hard to have the images of baby boy's surrounding us.

It was very hard to be alone. We needed the strength of others to hold us above water. We were sinking. We had to use all of our energy to give our other kids some sort of Christmas. They were sad that we were alone. They missed their cousins and extended family. It was hard to explain to them. How do you tell a child that their family doesn't seem to care that their brother died? Or at least care enough to postpone their party.