How to relate

When doubts filled my mind, your comfort gave me renewed hope and cheer.

Psalm 94:19

When someone loses a friend or family member, they feel sad and empty. Others can relate to you because they also feel those emotions and there is a bond. But when you didn't know that person, you don't have the same emotions. This is especially true when someone loses a baby. Whether it's a still birth or a newborn. It doesn't hurt (and I mean a true physical pain) because there was no personal loss. You never knew what it was like to have them in your life so you are unchanged.

It is likely that you are sad for the family. But it is impossible to feel the same level of sadness. Even if you aren't hurting, it would be helpful to remember that others are. People that have experienced the death of a child are in such a different place. It isn't possible for them to "just get over it". Losing a child changes you. It changes who you are, how you see things and how you respond to others. You will never, ever understand it unless you walk through it. But, you can try. It is helpful if you do try.

Meet them where they are at. Don't expect them to be able to meet you where you are. Sometimes it's a relief to talk about silly stuff and laugh. Other times, there's just no possibility moving out of the grief. Sometimes they have a good day. Other times they have a bad day. So, don't feel that you have to make them better by being uplifting. The best way to help is just to meet them where they are. The best way to know where they are is to spend time with them.

Why?

In our situation, no one knew Nate, so it felt like no one mourned Nate. For us, it seemed like our life ended on 3/30/08. And in reality, our old life did end that day. But for everyone else, life just went on as if nothing had happened. Of course some people were a little sad for a few days, but then the parties were back on and life was back to normal. There were quite a few occasions where we asked people to pretend to be sad. We asked them to postpone the parties and celebrations and grieve the loss of our child with us. It was helpful when it seemed like people cared enough about us to be sad for us even if they weren't sad for themselves. There was just no way that we could meet them at the joyful, happy place they were. We needed them to meet us where we were at. So try and show the family empathy. It's nice to feel like your pain matters.