WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #663
2 days ago
Saturday, September 5, 2009
18 months
My sweet Nate Ryan would be 18 months old today. I wonder what he would look like. I wonder what he would be like. I wonder what he would feel like. I'm sad that I didn't get to enjoy cuddling him as a baby. I'm sad that I never got to take him home. I'm sad that I never got to see him smile. I'm sad that I never got to see him take his first steps. I'm sad that I never got to wish him a happy birthday. I'm sad that I'll never see him ride a bike or go to school or get married. I'm sad for all of these things and a million more.
My precious Nate:
I can't believe that it's been 18 months since I labored with you for 18+ hours. That was the scariest day of my life -- not knowing what road was ahead of us. You were born from my body and then in an instant you were whisked away and attached to too many tubes to count. I wish that I would have had the opportunity to enjoy you without all of the tubes, wires and doctors. I wish that you would have been healthy and not had to endure all of the pain and torture that you did. As your mommy, I just wanted to make it all better ... I failed. I couldn't do that. I'm so sorry.
I hope that you are happy in Heaven.
I hope that you are healthy and whole.
I hope that you know how much I love and miss you.
I hope that you know that I would do anything to bring you back here with me.
I hope that you know that I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.
I hope that you know that I think about you every moment.
I hope that you know who I am.
I hope that you know that I'm sorry.
I love you more than you could possibly ever know.
Love, Mommy
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10 comments:
I just found your blog and it's wonderful that you are offering this information to people. I am sorry for your loss. My Jenna would have been 4 months today.
Trisha--
I just read your blog and Nathan's blog and the whole story and just kept shaking my head. So very sad. Chase died 4 1/2 months ago and we were in the NICU for 3 days. Our three kids had to say goodbye to their brother. I know some of what you are going through....too much. I can't see it being any easier a year from now, either. More familiar, but not easier. This is not something, like you said, one gets over, but rather gets through. The most comforting thing for me is to read other mom's posts about their daily grieving experiences and relating to so many of them. I found a podcast on glowinthewoods.com and listened to the entire hour show, crying and relating. I don't go to a support group but listening to others and reading others' stories seem to help get "through" some of this mess.
Thanks for sharing your story. You have such a beautiful family and Nathan would have certainly been another beautiful addition--he is lucky to have you as his mom.
xxoo
Christy
Thinking of you and sending you a (((hug))). The things you wonder and the same ones I wonder too.
That was beautiful. I wonder about, miss, wish, and hope those things too. It just hurts so much...
I am sorry for all the dreams that you will never see come true. For me, I think, having other children makes it more painful in a way: I know all it is that I am missing.
Thank you for sharing your tender heart.
Read your comment on Jess' blog (Cora's mommy). Please know that there is a grandma in KS (with a grandson named Nathan too) praying for you tonight.
Thinking of you, and I think the same things, you aren't alone!
Praying for you, sweet friend...
Sharing your feelings. Sending you hugs from afar.
I just stumbled across your blog and am literally sitting here in tears. I clicked on your sones picture and read thru the emails.. I am stunned and grief stricken for you. Before I read this, I was actually feelign quite sorry for myself.. but I don't know why...My heart aches for you and your family. You so was so beautiful.
I don't understand exactly what you are experiencing but I totally understand the issues with wanting to not be around people because it's so uncomfortable. When I was in college, I had a baby...we placed him.. we picked the parents and were devestated of course but knew we were doing the right thing.. and then, we would run into people and they would ask where the baby was.. and well, you can imagine... I hid alot back then too.
Not comparing my experience to yours, just letting you know I understand the desire to hide.. at home...where you don't have to put on a brave face.. to pretend... to make them feel better...
I will pray .. for you... and your family.. and your angel.
God Bless.
Sheridith
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