birthday week

This week is a little overwhelming for me. I have all 3 of my daughter's birthday's. Shayna turns 11 tomorrow and Kyla and Kaylee turn 5 on Sunday. Along with taking them to Disneyland on their birthdays (our family tradition), I am throwing 2 birthday parties in 1 week! To top it off, my birthday is also thrown into this crazy week and my husbands is in 2 weeks.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays now. I used to absolutely love them. Both mine and my kids. I have always thrown big, fun parties for my kids with tons of stuff and dozens of people. The best memories of my childhood were my birthday parties so I wanted to give that to my kids as well. Plus, I have to admit that I have always loved the party planning. I'm very creative and it's a good outlet for me.

Last year, I don't know how I even got through birthday week. Somehow I managed to do it and throw 2 parties for my girls. I even have pictures to prove it. However, I was not in a good place and I did not get any enjoyment out of it. Last year, every holiday or event was filled with sadness. It's those days when families are supposed to be together and Nate wasn't here. It was hard to face the fact that someone would always be missing from our family. We would never be complete.

I'm also having a hard time dealing with the fact that my kids are growing up. It seems like just yesterday that I had 3 kids in diapers (Noah was 2 when the twins were born) and was changing 25 diapers a day. Now they're so grown up and independent. It makes me sad.

At present, I'm finding myself caught in between two sets of emotions. I'm still sad that Nate isn't here. That we won't ever celebrate his birthday with him and that he won't be here to celebrate ours. But, I also realize what a gift it is that God has given me 11 years with Shayna and 5 years with the twins. It is special. It does deserve to be recognized and celebrated. God does want me to rejoice about that.

So, as I go forth with my crazy birthday week, I am making a concerted effort to rejoice. I admit that I am overwhelmed with both emotions and things that I need to get done. But, I am going to allow myself to celebrate and enjoy what I have.