change

Summer is officially over - my kids went back to school this week. I'm having a hard time with it. I don't like change and I seriously hate that my kids are growing up so fast. Shayna just started middle school (6th grade) and Noah is already in 2nd. The twins are doing another year of preschool (3 mornings a week) and I'm so glad that I didn't send them to Kindergarten this year. Life is crazy with 2 different drop off times and 3 different pick up times. Thankfully, all my kids are on the same campus which makes it do-able.

As they returned to school this week I'm the one having a difficult time. I'm finding it hard to be a part of all of the superficial chatter and social activities. I'm finding it hard to pretend that everything is fine. I'm finding it hard to relate to other moms with their happy, healthy kids and their adorable little babies.

I used to love to talk with other parents. I used to love to volunteer to be room mom and help with PTA events. I used to love to be social. Now, I just keep to myself. I take my kids where they need to go, offer a "hello" now and then and pretty much dash off to my car - alone.

Some of the other moms don't know me and have no idea that our son died last year. Other moms were once friendly and now avoid me like the plague. A few make an attempt to say hello, greet me with a smile and invite me to their events. It's nice to be acknowledged but I feel like a fish out of water. I just squirm and can't wait to get back to the safety of my house and my close friends. When I am home, I don't have to worry about what people might say or what they might think. It's safe. But, it's also lonely there. I'm supposed to be taking care of Nathan. It's supposed to be lively and chaotic with an 18 month old running around everywhere. But, instead...it's quiet. I'm alone.

God keeps giving me Phillipians 4:4
Rejoice in the Lord, always.

Everywhere I turn, this verse is staring at me - seriously! I've spent much of the last year trying to rejoice. Trying to focus on what I have and not what's been taken away. I've found that it's easy for me to do that when my kids are around. I am so thankful for them and I can focus on the blessing that they are. But now that they are gone, I'm having a hard time.

I know that it will get better. I will get used to the schedule and I will have time in the mornings to exercise, meet with friends and run errands. I will be okay. I'm just not good with change and it will take a while.