tis the season

The Christmas season has once again arrived.  I was surprised that it kinda snuck up on me this year.  I wasn't dreading it like I have the past two years.  Rather than trying to survive the month of December, I am choosing to celebrate it.  And it's not requiring a lot of effort to do that this year.  After years of praying for strength, I feel noticeably stronger and more resilient.  A good confirmation that I am healing.

Our grief counselor asked us what our plans were for celebrating Christmas with family this year.  The truth is, we don't really have any.  Christmas is next week and we have yet to be invited to a family event.  It's likely that we will eventually be invited but I doubt that they expect us to come.  We would like to make an appearance if it works with our plans.  But neither of us want to spend any significant amount of time with family.

Hopefully, if we attend, we will be able to escape criticism for the day.  Family always finds a way to attack us or blame us for their failures to help after Nate died.  We are pretty much viewed as the bad guys now.  Strange that our son died and we are the bad guys, but I completely understand why.  We haven't been attending family events for the past 2 1/2 years.  When someone is absent or not conforming to "the norm" it's easy to view them as the problem.  Weird...but so very true in this situation.  There's even a scripture about people who point out the specks in the eyes of others while avoiding the plank that they have in their own. 

It used to hurt.  A lot.  We can laugh about it now.  The truth is...they are just as broken as we are.  The difference is...we KNOW that we're broken.  And, most importantly, I know that God will explain it all to them someday.  I don't need to. 

an un-planned hiatus

I can't believe that I have been away from blogging for almost 3 months.  WOW!  I never intended on doing that.  Life was spinning out of control so I made a decision to dedicate the time that I had been spending on blogging on God instead.  I started focusing on daily prayer, bible study and devotion.  I was just desperate to break out of the cycle that my life was revolving in. 

Days turned into weeks which turned into months.  Unintentionally.  I can't believe how fast the time has gone by.  I truly miss reading about every one's events and lives.  Walking away from that was really difficult.  It was a daily addiction for me.  Blogging and the wonderful community of people that I have met through this venue have greatly contributed to my healing so it's weird to think that stepping away from that support would allow me to heal even more.  But it has.  God has been trying to teach me a lesson in "being still" for quite a while and I am finally figuring out what that means.   

Thank you to all of you who have continued to pray for me and my family.  Even though I "disconnected", I feel supported.  That is something that I never thought was possible. 

not long enough

Today is our last day of Summer vacation.  Tomorrow, my 4 kids will be off to school.  I always have a tough time with this.  I miss my kids when they are at school.  I much prefer to have them home with me.  This year is especially hard.  My twins are starting Kindergarten.  Now it's official.  I no longer have babies or pre-schoolers.  My kids are growing up and it's happening too fast.  I am not ready for this but I have to learn to embrace this new Season of life that I am facing. 

This Summer has been both good and bad. It was a very cool Summer so I feel a little ripped off.  I think it was the coldest on record in 20 years.  We only made it to the beach 3 times and didn't get very many pool days but, I do have so many wonderful memories.  My kids really are at a fun age and we had a blast doing all sorts of stuff.  Along with the good, we had a multitude of challenges thrown at us.  I honestly never could have imagined that my life would be THIS hard.  Just when I think that I am over the hill and can put on cruise control again, there is another obstacle in front of me.  And the obstacles aren't minor pebbles...they are major boulders. 

It has really lead me to question if I will ever get back to a "happy" life.  A life where I don't have to work so incredibly hard.  A life where I can go for months at a time without  having to deal with major stuff.  Oh, how I long for that but I just don't see it ever happening again. 

This weekend, my devotion was this verse:

Lord, you have assigned me my portion and my cup;  you have made my lot secure.  Psalm 16:5

It was perfect timing.  I need to learn to accept this life that God has assigned me.  I need to become content with who I am and what I have and not let that be defined by present circumstances.  Easier said than done but I am working hard on it.

one proud mama

I just had to share what my kids did last week.  

The organizers of "SOCCER FOR HOPE" ask the kids attending the camp to get donations for pediatric cancer research at CHLA during their week at camp.  My daughter was determined to raise a lot of money but I never guessed that she would raise as much as she did. Last year she worked hard going around our neighborhood and raised $320. I thought that was amazing.





This year she and my son went knocking on doors in our neighborhood EVERY day after soccer camp. They received donations from more than 50 people. I was shocked at how many people that we don't know would give them $10 or $20. One little girl was home alone and even gave them $2 of her own money.  So amazing! In addition to going door to door, my daughter also wrote and sent a handful of emails to a few others (our friend list isn't very long these days).  She only wanted to ask 1 family member.  I think that even she is recognizing that "family" is not a part of our life anymore.




At the end of 4 days she raised $704.   PLUS she asked for a donation from our brand new Chick-fil-A restaurant and got them to donate $300 in food to next years camp. All in all, she (and Noah too) raised

$1,004 in 4 days!!!!

I think that is AMAZING and I am such a proud mama.  I just love that their hearts are leading them to do this.  I can't wait to see what they accomplish in their lives.  I have a feeling that they are going to change the world!!!!

soccer 4 hope

This week, my kids are doing a special soccer camp. 

SOCCER FOR HOPE is an annual soccer camp that is organized by a couple who have been struck hard by cancer.  The husband is a former National team member and current coach for my daughter's club.  He fought his own cancer battle many years ago and is now thriving.  5 years ago his sweet daughter, Abella and son, Hudson (ages 3 and 1) were both hit hard with brain cancer.  Abella is now in remission and one of the happy 8 year old campers this week.  Sadly, Hudson died at age 3 (a couple months after Nate).

The goal of the camp is two-fold.  Rather than focusing on soccer skills and development, its focus is on FUN while teaching the kids about how to reach out and help other kids that are fighting life threatening diseases.  They remind the kids daily about how lucky they are to have their good health and how fortunate they are to be able to run around and play soccer.  It's a lesson that many adults have yet to learn and I am so grateful that these kids are hearing it.  Most importantly, it also raises money for pediatric cancer research at Children's Hospital Los Angeles (same hospital that Nate had his heart surgery at). 

I just love that my kids have been going to this camp for the past 3 years.  Even more, I love that my daughter (and son...but he is more of a prop) are knocking on doors in our neighborhood every night collecting donations for this cause.  My sweet girl has already collected over $340 from people in our neighborhood (and that doesn't include any family). 

This is one of the moments that I am thankful for the path that I am on.  I am thankful that my kids are growing up learning how to help others and I am thankful that they will never take their health for granted!!!

a quote

A dear friend sent me a link to Joy's Hope blog today.  I have never heard of her blog before but she is also a babyloss mama so I felt an immediate connection..

Here's the quote that my friend sent me from a post last week:

You never know how strong you are until being strong is the only choice you have.  - Author unknown


All of the times that someone told me that I was strong when I felt so weak...  All of the times that people told me "God won't give you more than you can handle"...  All of the times that I was criticized and abandoned by people that I cared for...All of the times that I climbed out of bed to face yet another miserable, grief-filled day...All of the times that I sobbed uncontrollably and pleaded to God for mercy...


I can't tell you how much this quote impacted me.

a conversation with a checker

Ever since Nate was diagnosed in-utero with a heart defect almost 3 years ago, I have been afraid of the grocery store checkers.  They always ask "how's it going?" or "are you having a good day?"  I know that they ask those questions of EVERYONE and that they are not sincere.  But, for some reason, I have difficulty responding insincerely.  So, I tend to fear that interaction.

This week, as I was checking out I had a conversation that I never planned on having.  The checker asked me if she could "round up" the total for a donation to some sort of foundation (colon cancer or something).  I responded with a "sure, that would be fine".  She then went on to tell me about an experience that she had had with another customer.  She stood there complaining about someone that, as she said:  "wouldn't even donate 20 cents for a good cause". 

"Well you never know what is going on in someones life that would cause them to do that"...was my response.  She kinda laughed at my comment and looked at the person bagging my items for assurance (probably thinking that I was a little crazy). 

I could have walked away at this point. 
I considered just keeping my mouth shut and minding my own business. 
I told myself that it wasn't my responsibility to educate people on the hardships of life and that I should just worry about my own problems. 
All of the options swirled around in my head during what had to be a 10 second time period of her handing me my receipt. 

So I just took the receipt and left...

I couldn't do it. 
I couldn't just walk away under these circumstances. 
I had to say something. 
I just HAD to.
And I did.

In a sweet and kind voice I explained to the checker that sometimes, people have an experience that prevents them from doing certain things (I still didn't get to her). 

I went on to tell her that I have a hard time donating to CHOC (the children's hospital right in our community that EVERYONE loves and supports).  She looked at me with shock and confusion.  As if the word that I uttered were of another language. 

I further explained that even though they do amazing work and they provide life-saving help for many, many children...I have a hard time giving them my money (she started listening more intently). 

I then went on to say that a mistake that they made caused my son to die (now I had her attention).  I summed it all up by once again saying...
you never know what's going on in someones life and you never know why they make the decisions that they do.

I walked out of that store feeling like I had served my purpose for the day. 

It was a good day.