gift

I received 4 gifts yesterday.  This one was my favorite.  It's the bracelet that my kids picked out and bought for me with their own money.  It's so sweet.  I love it. 

I think that birthday's are a time of reflection.  Sometimes good...sometimes bad.  I've been thinking about all the friends that I used to have.  All of the gifts that I used to receive.  All of the fun that I had celebrating.  My life is so different now. 

I'm really trying to focus on what is good.  It's so easy to get caught up in the circle of what I don't have or what I want.  But I need to focus on WHAT IS.  That's all I have control over (if I even have that much) and that's what matters most. 

So as I wear my BELIEVE bracelet from my kids:  I am going to "believe" that I am going to get through this.  I am going to "believe" that I will have a good life.  I am going to "believe" that I will feel whole again.  I am going to "believe" that God will answer my prayers.  I am going to "believe" that God is holding my hand and will not let go. 

39

Thank you Celia for posting the "birthverses". Perfect timing, I needed that today. I checked mine out and God really spoke to me through it.

Luke 9:23

Then he said to them all: “If any would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me".

It's not about me. It's never been about me. It will never be about me.



By the way...here's Nate's:

Titus 3:5
he saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal by the Holy Spirit.

This one melted my heart.

birthday week

This week is a little overwhelming for me. I have all 3 of my daughter's birthday's. Shayna turns 11 tomorrow and Kyla and Kaylee turn 5 on Sunday. Along with taking them to Disneyland on their birthdays (our family tradition), I am throwing 2 birthday parties in 1 week! To top it off, my birthday is also thrown into this crazy week and my husbands is in 2 weeks.

I have mixed feelings about birthdays now. I used to absolutely love them. Both mine and my kids. I have always thrown big, fun parties for my kids with tons of stuff and dozens of people. The best memories of my childhood were my birthday parties so I wanted to give that to my kids as well. Plus, I have to admit that I have always loved the party planning. I'm very creative and it's a good outlet for me.

Last year, I don't know how I even got through birthday week. Somehow I managed to do it and throw 2 parties for my girls. I even have pictures to prove it. However, I was not in a good place and I did not get any enjoyment out of it. Last year, every holiday or event was filled with sadness. It's those days when families are supposed to be together and Nate wasn't here. It was hard to face the fact that someone would always be missing from our family. We would never be complete.

I'm also having a hard time dealing with the fact that my kids are growing up. It seems like just yesterday that I had 3 kids in diapers (Noah was 2 when the twins were born) and was changing 25 diapers a day. Now they're so grown up and independent. It makes me sad.

At present, I'm finding myself caught in between two sets of emotions. I'm still sad that Nate isn't here. That we won't ever celebrate his birthday with him and that he won't be here to celebrate ours. But, I also realize what a gift it is that God has given me 11 years with Shayna and 5 years with the twins. It is special. It does deserve to be recognized and celebrated. God does want me to rejoice about that.

So, as I go forth with my crazy birthday week, I am making a concerted effort to rejoice. I admit that I am overwhelmed with both emotions and things that I need to get done. But, I am going to allow myself to celebrate and enjoy what I have.

change

Summer is officially over - my kids went back to school this week. I'm having a hard time with it. I don't like change and I seriously hate that my kids are growing up so fast. Shayna just started middle school (6th grade) and Noah is already in 2nd. The twins are doing another year of preschool (3 mornings a week) and I'm so glad that I didn't send them to Kindergarten this year. Life is crazy with 2 different drop off times and 3 different pick up times. Thankfully, all my kids are on the same campus which makes it do-able.

As they returned to school this week I'm the one having a difficult time. I'm finding it hard to be a part of all of the superficial chatter and social activities. I'm finding it hard to pretend that everything is fine. I'm finding it hard to relate to other moms with their happy, healthy kids and their adorable little babies.

I used to love to talk with other parents. I used to love to volunteer to be room mom and help with PTA events. I used to love to be social. Now, I just keep to myself. I take my kids where they need to go, offer a "hello" now and then and pretty much dash off to my car - alone.

Some of the other moms don't know me and have no idea that our son died last year. Other moms were once friendly and now avoid me like the plague. A few make an attempt to say hello, greet me with a smile and invite me to their events. It's nice to be acknowledged but I feel like a fish out of water. I just squirm and can't wait to get back to the safety of my house and my close friends. When I am home, I don't have to worry about what people might say or what they might think. It's safe. But, it's also lonely there. I'm supposed to be taking care of Nathan. It's supposed to be lively and chaotic with an 18 month old running around everywhere. But, instead...it's quiet. I'm alone.

God keeps giving me Phillipians 4:4
Rejoice in the Lord, always.

Everywhere I turn, this verse is staring at me - seriously! I've spent much of the last year trying to rejoice. Trying to focus on what I have and not what's been taken away. I've found that it's easy for me to do that when my kids are around. I am so thankful for them and I can focus on the blessing that they are. But now that they are gone, I'm having a hard time.

I know that it will get better. I will get used to the schedule and I will have time in the mornings to exercise, meet with friends and run errands. I will be okay. I'm just not good with change and it will take a while.

18 months

My sweet Nate Ryan would be 18 months old today. I wonder what he would look like. I wonder what he would be like. I wonder what he would feel like. I'm sad that I didn't get to enjoy cuddling him as a baby. I'm sad that I never got to take him home. I'm sad that I never got to see him smile. I'm sad that I never got to see him take his first steps. I'm sad that I never got to wish him a happy birthday. I'm sad that I'll never see him ride a bike or go to school or get married. I'm sad for all of these things and a million more.

My precious Nate:
I can't believe that it's been 18 months since I labored with you for 18+ hours. That was the scariest day of my life -- not knowing what road was ahead of us. You were born from my body and then in an instant you were whisked away and attached to too many tubes to count. I wish that I would have had the opportunity to enjoy you without all of the tubes, wires and doctors. I wish that you would have been healthy and not had to endure all of the pain and torture that you did. As your mommy, I just wanted to make it all better ... I failed. I couldn't do that. I'm so sorry.

I hope that you are happy in Heaven.
I hope that you are healthy and whole.
I hope that you know how much I love and miss you.
I hope that you know that I would do anything to bring you back here with me.
I hope that you know that I can't wait to hold you in my arms again.
I hope that you know that I think about you every moment.
I hope that you know who I am.
I hope that you know that I'm sorry.

I love you more than you could possibly ever know.

Love, Mommy

Believe

My heart was touched this morning. I took my kids to do some last minute errands before school starts. While we were at Kohls buying my son a USC hat (he's going to the USC game with my hubby tomorrow), I saw my kids huddling around and behaving in a bizarre manner. My almost 11 year old daughter came up to me when I was paying for the hat and told me that she really wanted to buy a $12 bracelet and she would pay me back. She's not normally a bracelet type of girl but I agreed and bought it for her. Over the next 2 hours of errands, I kept hearing my kiddos talking about money and my twins were asking me what chores they could do to earn some. They were laughing and giggling kept telling each other "shh!, don't tell Mommy". I pretended that I didn't hear them but it was so cute. When we arrived home, all 4 of them disappeared for 20 minutes and then they all came and presented me with $12 (in one's and quarters).

My birthday is in a couple of weeks and based on what I overheard in the car in between "shh!, don't tell Mommy", that's the gift that they plan on giving me. It touched me deeper than you will ever know that my sweet kids would do that for me. It's the thought that counts, fits very appropriately here. I just had to post this blog so that I would remember this moment in time.

Oh, and by the way, the bracelet was a beautiful bracelet with a silver cross and it was engraved with "BELIEVE". I'm guessing that this is a God thing and not just a coincidence. I needed that and am so grateful for this moment.

Okay

Thank you to everyone who prayed for me this week. I am doing okay. It's painful, but I'd much rather have physical pain than emotional pain. My perspective has really changed in a lot of ways. Physical pain is just nothing now. The last time I had surgery 8 years ago, I laid on the couch for 2 days and barely moved. This time, I didn't even tell my kids (they would worry) so I came home from surgery and was making them popcorn, sitting on the floor playing board games and even took them to Chuck E Cheese the next morning (I didn't know that I wasn't supposed to drive for 24 hours after anesthesia- oops).