going with the flow

I guess that's the best way to describe my present attitude. 

Lately, there have been so many things that have come up that are WAY outside of my comfort zone.  Seriously, every week lately seems to bring a new challenge (or two):  people, circumstances, issues and random things. 

Occasionally, I get myself worked up about something but I have mostly just been going with the flow.  So far, it's worked out pretty well.  Just another confirmation that my attempts to control every aspect of my life are not necessary.  I am much better off just sitting back and watching it all play out.  Sometimes it's pretty entertaining as well!!! 

identifying

Little Preslee's accident and subsequent death has caused me to experience a myriad of emotions the past few days.  This weekend I found myself thinking about what it was like to plan my sons funeral and vividly remembering what it felt like to come home to that "empty room". 

Last week, I was glued to my computer.  I anxiously awaited updates and prayed that they would be positive.  As the sweet family posted pictures of their ICU experience, I found myself reliving mine.  All of the tubes and machines were so familiar.  I spent a lot of time reflecting back on my time with Nate.  I would stare at the monitors for hours on end just hoping and praying that the numbers would be where they needed to be so that I knew that my sweet baby was healing properly.  I would rub is head and kiss his hands.  I wanted him to know how loved he was.  I would find comfort in emails telling us that hundreds (maybe even thousands) of people were praying for him.  He was completely covered in prayer...I was so hopeful that God would say "yes".

When God said "no" I took it hard.  Very hard.  For a while, I honestly took it as a personal rejection from God.  But God said no to Preslee too.  I don't understand why.  It seems like His name would be even more glorified through the actions of a miracle.  Again...I don't understand.  Just one more conversation that I look forward to having with my creator one day. 

The past 2 years I have worked so hard to fight through the grief.  There were months that I kept myself insanely busy.  I didn't want a moment to spare because I knew that the images and grief would win over me.  There were months that I felt God calling me to BE STILL so I tried to keep my life simple.  Very simple.  I tried to figure out how to be still.  I tried to do nothing.  I wanted so desperately for God to guide me.  I wanted so desperately for God to speak to me. 

This past weekend we took our kids to see The Karate Kid.  During the movie there was one line that resonated with me like no other:


"Being still and doing nothing are NOT the same."


WOW!  This hit me like a ton of bricks.  This was no bible verse and no direct words from God but I just knew that once again, I had been doing it wrong. 


The past couple of months, I have been looking more at "being still" as being content.  Finding Joy where I am while eagerly listening for God's guidance.  We'll see if I can get it right this time. 

Gosh I am a slow learner!!!

another one gone too soon...

 Last week, A sweet little 18 month old named Preslee fell into a canal and drowned.  They pulled her out and she has been fighting so hard all week long.  I have been glued to my computer...  praying and praying....

Today, sweet baby Preslee went home to Heaven.

Please pray for another young family that has to endure the grief of burying a child.  A pain that NO ONE should ever know.



http://patrickandashley.blogspot.com/

amazing

We were lucky enough to spend our fifteenth anniversary in the Bahamas.  It was an amazing vacation that we had been planning for 2 years. 

We had a long travel day on our actual anniversary but were able to have dinner (a late one at that) in the Bahamas like we had hoped.  We spent the night in a small hotel and planned on squeezing all 6 of us into a regular room since it was just for 12 hours.  But, when they found out that it was our anniversary, they upgraded us to a suite for free!!!  We were so grateful.  

The next morning we walked outside and noticed that a cruise ship was sailing into port.  Not a big deal except for the fact that this was the SAME ship that we honeymooned on 15 years ago :  Monarch of the Seas!!! 

Crazy!!

Then we made our way to our vacation destination:  Atlantis.  Or should I say...

ATLANTIS!!!

We didn't stay in this exact hotel. I actually spent about 40-50 hours on the Internet trying to make it happen but it was just too expensive.  Even if I could have....I wouldn't have spent that much money on a vacation.  So, after realizing that the room wasn't all that important, I went to plan B.  I bought someones timeshare week off of Ebay.  It was a very nice suite on the Atlantis property and it even had a washer/dryer and a full kitchen.  It was a great deal and worked out perfect for our large family.

We had a great 4th of July and enjoyed the fireworks over the Caribbean! 

The beaches were incredible!!!

White sand and crystal blue water.  Oh my goodness, it's nothing like the beaches here in Southern California.  Just thinking about it makes me want to go back.

Atlantis has more water slides than I can count.  We (except the twins) went on all of them.  This one is called the leap of faith and it really is a "leap of faith".  You drop STRAIGHT down and it's insane...but so fun!!!  This is Shayna!  I don't have a photo of me doing it.

There were so many pools and slides that it was completely overwhelming the first few days.  I think that we switched pools every hour or so just so that we could do everything. 

We had busy and yet relaxing days.  It was great to be completely OUT OF TOUCH - no international cell service or Internet!!!

We were warned ahead of time that the food was REALLY expensive so I brought a suitcase filled with 4 loaves of bread, 4 bags of cereal, 2 jars of peanut butter, jelly, boxes and boxes of protein bars, granola bars and cereal bars, chips, cookies, crystal light mix and treats.  We ate cereal in the room, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches for lunch by the pool (did I mention that I am sick of pb&j?) and went out for dinner at night.  We tried to eat as inexpensively as possible but a gallon of milk was $11 and one large pizza was a whopping $35.  Can you believe that!!! It was the first vacation where I actually lost 2 pounds because I didn't want to buy that expensive food! 

All in all, we had an amazing time but there is always a set of footprints missing.

Nate is ALWAYS on our mind...

Wish he could have joined us.

fifteen

15 years ago today, I married my best friend. 

I can't believe how fast the time passes. 

 Fifteen! 

***My parents divorced after 14 1/2 years so I am especially proud to celebrate this anniversary.

again

Last night, my daughter and I were innocently watching America's Got Talent.  We've watched it many times before and there has never been a problem.  The problem with my life is that you never know where the "grief" is lurking.  It tends to spring up out of no where.  Last night it was hiding in America's Got Talent.

We watched it for almost an hour.  It was a fun show.  We laughed a lot!!!  The last audition on the show was a sweet girl with a heart wrenching background.  Before she sang her first word, I was cheering for her.  I wanted her to be great.  I wanted so badly for her dream to come true.

She started singing.  The song was ANGEL by Sarah Mclachlan.  I immediately paused my thoughts and took a deep breath.  I didn't know if I could listen.  ANGEL was the song that we used to make Nathan's video.  The video of his precious little 25 days on earth.  The video that we showed at his funeral.  The minute I heard the first line of that song...spent all your time waiting, for that second chance...I knew that I was in danger.  The images of Nathan (both good and bad ones) started racing around in my mind like a level 4 tornado.  My heart started pounding and I felt sick to my stomach.  I didn't know.  I didn't know if I could listen to this song without crashing.  As it turns out, I didn't have to make that decision...

About 20 seconds into the song, my 11 year old daughter turned her face toward me.  It was covered with huge beads of water that were just pooling from her eyes.  She got up from her chair and ran to me.  She started sobbing uncontrollably.

I turned off the TV and held her tight.  We cuddled for about 10 minutes without saying a word.  I enjoyed cuddling with my big 11 year old but I wish that I was doing it for another reason.  I wish that it wasn't to comfort her broken heart.  I do my best but I don't know how to heal a broken heart.  We had yet another conversation about Heaven.  I am grateful that my kids know that it's not just a place in a book.  Heaven is real for them.  It's where their brother lives.  I know that they will choose to follow Jesus if for no other reason than to see their brother again.   

I was worried that she would be up all night.  She doesn't sleep well when she is distressed.  Luckily she fell asleep after a while.  I didn't.  Once again, the grief caught me off guard and pulled me from the path that I want to be on.  I need to get used to the fact that my life will always be happy and sad.  It will have moments of both.  I know for certain that because of the sad, I appreciate the happy even more.  But the sad is still hard.

I am so happy that when I wake up tomorrow it will be JULY.  My absolute, without question, favorite month of the year!!!  Looking forward to the next 31 days!!!

3-2-1 weekend

                                               

THREE soccer games

                     TWO basketball games

                                                   ONE dance recital


Crazy, busy weekends like this remind me how much I LOVE being a mommy and watching my kids fulfill their dreams.  I wish that I was toting a toddler around to all of these events but I do recognize how lucky I am to have the life that I have.