Brady finally has a room!

It took longer than I thought but it was worth the wait.  We finished his room just before he turned 6 months old a couple of weeks ago. 

I decided to make his room blue sailboats because Noah's nursery was blue sailboats and the layette that Nate is buried in is also blue sailboats.  It just seemed right to make Brady's room blue sailboats. 

I found his bedding on ebay and got a great deal on a brand new set from BabyGap (that was discontinued).   We sold our old cribs at a garage sale so we had to buy a new one for Brady.  This one is new and safe.  It was hard to find "natural" wood to match the old furniture that we had but it all worked out in the end.

I love that most of the items in his room are being re-used from the other kids.  The dressers and rocking chair were purchased 13 years ago for Shayna and all of the kids used them.  I bought new fabric and had a local mom recover the rocker (they were pink from the twins).  The curtain hardware was from Noah's nursery and I made the window valance (I think it came out awesome). 

The kids and I bought the sailboat just for Brady.  The 3 teddy bears were from the twins nursery, Noah's nursery and Nate's hospital stay (a special bear for heart patients).  Shayna made the whale for him in her home arts class this year.  She was so proud of herself and I think that it turned out awesome!  The frames were used in the nursery of both Noah's and the twins' and I put in special pictues of me & Brady. 

Here's a close-up of the special whale that Shayna made and one of my favorite newborn pics of Brady.

Sweet Jodi made Brady an awesome birth announcement pic like this one.  I framed it by my computer & made this one to fit into the wall frame that was from Noah's nursery.  I love, love, love this idea.  Thank you Jodi!

This armoire was used by all the other kids as well.  I'm glad that we saved it for Brady.  It's not the nicest furniture but it's so special that all of the kids got to use the same set.  The "beachy" decorations were given to Brady from Noah.  His room is "beachy" but he has lots of trophies on his dresser now so he was happy to share his decorations with Brady.  I especially love the blue butterfly...a gift from Christy.  It reminds me of Nate every single day.

Brady was hanging out in his crib while I took these photos.  He hasn't slept or taken a nap in there yet.  Mama is still too anxious and doesn't let him out of her sight.  But someday, he will sleep in this room.  For now, he loves getting diaper changes and being rocked in his rocker in there. 

So grateful that we were able to turn a very sad room into a happy room.  Even more grateful to have a nursery once again.  Savoring every moment since this is the last...

perfect for Nate's treasures

I had no idea what I wanted...until I saw this:

I had searched...and searched...and searched some more. Store after store. Website after website. Month after month.  Then one day, a spur of the moment "quick run" into this store (which I might add that I have visited many times before with no success) ended my search.

It was perfect. Just perfect. Everything is perfect. I love the blue bird. I love that it fits perfectly into the little nook just outside our room. I love that it's the perfect size to hold Nate's treasures. I love the price (not cheap but reasonable). Love. Love. Love.

We hung 3 collage frames above it with 2 photos of each of our 6 kids.  Including Nate's pictures in stuff like that makes him feel like part of our normal family. 

We also moved Nate's special memory album (it used to be downstairs).  It looks perfect on top and the kids look through it all of the time.

The stuffed animals and blankets that we received during our stay at Children's hospital haven't been looked at for years. Now they are perfectly displayed. The "keepsakes" box is full of the sympathy cards that we received after his death and a few birthday cards that we receive each year.

The top drawer holds the teddy bear that we bought him in the hospital gift shop and gave to him for Easter. It also holds a blankie that Shayna made for him, the white hat that he wore in the hospital and the layette that we bought for him...but he never got to wear :(

One final treasure that speaks for itself...

summer's comin'

Do you have any idea how happy this makes me?  I love Summer.  Love.  Love.  Love.  I am so ready for the crazy mornings, hectic bedtimes, lame homework (not a fan) and overall craziness to go bye bye. 

This Summer will be by FAR busier than any Summer that I have ever known with 4 kids doing competitive sports 7 days a week.  Yes...we lucked out and have one sport or another every single day until August - ugh!  But, at least there will be no homework and no crazy bedtimes or rushed mornings.  YAY!

My 13 year old made this pennant flag in the photo.  She's just finishing middle school where she learned how to sew.  She wanted to make some extra money so we put our heads together and came up with this idea.  Why?  Because I love 4th of July.  Cute?  I love it and I was her 1st customer.  So sad that she is getting older but it sure is fun!

As for me...I am finally finishing up Brady's room (ordered a crib last week).  I found the perfect solution for Nate's stuff and as soon as I get it all finished I will post pics. 

Mother's Day...it's so different now

13 years ago I celebrated my first Mother's Day.  I remember being disappointed that my husband didn't buy me anything, I had to spend the day with my mother in law and I just didn't feel appreciated.  I bought into all of the commericals on TV and honestly though that I deserved those things.  The next few Mother's Days I made requests for little special gifts and made an effort to plan the day myself so that I could ensure a good day...and most of them were.  But those days it was about the stuff.  I was caught up in the commercialism of it all.

4 years ago, Mother's Day was miserable.  Nate had just died and no one acknowledged the day.  Not a card.  Not a phone call.  Nothing.  There was so "stuff" that could have made it better.  I needed love, comfort and support.  Actually, I needed to be carried.  My mom and my mother in law celebrated their day with others while I simply just tried to survive.  It was hard.  It was not a good day.

Since then, I made some changes.  I decided that I am no longer going to share Mother's Day with anyone and I decided that I wasn't interested in the "stuff" anymore.  For years I worried about making the day special for others but when I was drowning...nobody cared enough to do that for me.  So, we now get together with my mom and my mother in law the day before or the weekend after.  But Mother's Day is reserved for me. 
Just.  For.  Me.

It's been bittersweet but each year is a little less bitter and a little more sweet.  We have been spending the day as a family and I have found that the most precious gifts are the ones that don't have price tags attached.  This year I have a 6th reason to celebrate Mother's Day and I am not taking that for granted for one second.  I know how lucky I am and I am looking forward to a fun park day/picnic - just the 7 of us.

Yet, Mother's Day is no longer the same.  I can't help but think of all of the Mama's out there that are celebrating Mother's Day this year without one of their children.  I can't help but think of all of the Mama's that are hurting and just trying to survive what can be a truly miserable day.

I think of the Mommy from our church that comforted me after Nate died and has recently had to bury her 2nd child.  I think of the Principal of my daughter's school whose 31 year old daughter died a few weeks ago while giving birth to her son.  I think of all of my blogger friends whose Mother's Days will never, ever be the same again.

It's not fair.  I know that for certain. 

So, this year I will savor the day and be grateful for every waking moment that I get to be a Mommy to these sweet kids:

And I will look forward to the day that I can be a Mommy to this one.

Hugs to all of you Mama's that have to celebrate this day without one of your children.  You are on my heart and in my prayers.  Please let me know if I can do anything to help make this day a little easier.

if I had just one wish...?

After Nate died, I could easily answer this question.  Not a doubt.  Not a single doubt what my answer would be.  


N.A.T.E.  My one and only wish would be to have Nathan back.  I wouldn't change any other part of my life.  


Just him.  That's all that I would want.


The other day, my 7 year old twins asked me this question and I answered as I always do.  "I would wish to have Nathan back".  It's been a while since that question has come up and they seemed very surprised at my answer.  


They replied "but then we wouldn't have Brady".  

They were right.  So very right.  99.5% right.  I can pretty much guarantee that Brady would not be here if Nate would have lived.  


I love Brady.  I love all of my kids.  More than anything.  I wouldn't trade any of them.  I would never even think about it.  But, now this question is complicated.  Because it involves a trade...of sorts.  If Nate didn't die, then I wouldn't have Brady.  So how do I answer this question now?  I wish more than anything that I could have Nate back again.  To watch him grow.  To kiss his sweet cheeks.  To see him smile.  But doing so would mean that I would have never brought Brady into this world.  And I can't even imagine my life without him.  


So, I guess that I need to re-think my answer to this question.  And I might add that I am so very relieved that I don't have to make a decision like this.  Thank you God for NOT giving me this type of power.

4 years ago today

4 years ago today, I was holding my sweet boy in my arms and feeding him a bottle.  I was making plans to bring him home from the hospital and preparing to care for a heart baby by myself.  It was the day that I finally breathed a sigh of relief, smiled and believed that everything was going to be okay.

Little did I know...

I still vividly remember looking into his eyes as he went code blue in my arms.  I will never forget the circus that enclosed on his room with a dozen people, lots of blood, machines and extreme chaos as they tried to save his life.  I'll always remember his sweet face as I kissed him goodbye for the last time. 

Today is just a regular day for most.  Today is not my favorite day. 

PS- This picture was taken just 24 hours before he died.  I had no idea that it would be the very last picture that I would ever take of my sweet Nathan.

transitioning

I can't believe that Brady is already 3+ months old.  I'm trying to savor every moment but it's still flyin' by.  I have made an attempt to put everything that I can on hold so that I can just enjoy holding him (especially when the kids are at school).  Now that he's getting bigger I'm feeling the need to tackle some stuff that I've been putting off.  LIKE...

HIS ROOM!

The other kids had fancy bassinets and perfectly decorate nursery's.  Since we brought him home from the hospital, Brady's been sleeping on a pack-n-play in our room and all his clothes & stuff are in a little laundry basket that I keep inside the pack-n-play. 

I haven't been able to bring myself to do his room. 

He has a room.  It's empty.  It was supposed to be Nate's room.  It needs paint and furniture but I haven't been able to do it yet.  I haven't been able to do much of anything permanent for him yet.

I'm getting to the point of frustration with his stuff in a laundry basket.  I'm a very organized person so it's pretty shocking that I would ever be okay with that idea.  Plus, I want to have a place to call "Brady's".  I need to get it done.  I'm ready to get it done.  Just one thing in my way...Nate's stuff.

Nate's stuff is in that closet.  He doesn't have much but we have quite a few stuffed animals and handmade blankets that were donated to the hospital, his hat and blankie that I used in the hospital and a big box of cards that we received after his death. 

I don't know what to do with it.  I don't want to put it in the attic or garage.  I'm thinking that I want to get a piece of furniture that will go in our house and we can keep his stuff in that.  Something like a storage bench that looks like a normal piece of furniture but inside we can keep all of the treasures that remind us of Nate. 

Started searching this week.  Haven't found it yet.  Please let me know if any of you have any ideas or suggestions.  I want to do it right...so that my heart is at peace with it.

One transition that I was happy to make was to add Brady's footprints to my car this month (Thanks Jodi). 

Just yesterday, I heard someone walk by my car and make the comment "boy they sure have a lot of kids". 

YES

Yes, I do have a lot of kids.

Counting my blessings.  Every. Single. Day.