1 John 3:18
Most people think of love as an adjective. They think of it as describing one's feelings. I believe that love is a verb. It requires action and cannot survive without it. If you care about someone you need to show them in a tangible way. It's not enough to think nice thoughts about them. It's not enough to pray for them. Especially when someone goes through a tragedy. You need to reach out and touch them in some way. If you pray for them, send them an email or little note to let them know. If you think of them, give them a call and tell them. If you want to help them, you need to do something.
It's not enough to sit back and think that other people will help them. You need to think of ways that you can.
- When you are at the store, call them and see if you can pick something up for them.
- When you make a casserole, make 2 and drop one at their door.
- Make them a basket of cookies with a sweet note attached.
- Send them a gift card for a local restaurant so they don't have to worry about dinner.
- Send them movie passes so that they can escape for an afternoon when they have an empty day.
- When there's a holiday or special date coming, acknowledge that by calling or sending a card.
- Invite them to spend the day with you or drop off an appropriate keepsake.
Don't make people wonder if anyone cares about what they're going through. Show them that you do care. Show them over and over and over again in tangible ways.
Why?
We heard dozens and dozens of times that people were asking how we were doing...but none of those people ever made contact to find out. When we ran into someone, they would tell us that they think of us all the time...but how would that help us? We would hear others say that everyone is praying for us...who is everyone? It was hard to hear that people were praying for us but not talking to us. It's almost as if we were a news story. People wanted to hear the latest on how we were doing but relied on others to find out.
We spent many, many months thinking that no one cared. We rarely heard from anyone and had no reason to believe otherwise. Many people delivered meals to us the first few months. Some that knew us and some that didn't. It was extremely helpful but we didn't usually hear from them again. It was as if they checked the box: "help the Larsons" and they were done. They did their duty and that was it. We needed more...so much more.
It was really special when someone took the time to send us a card or email. It was even more special when they did it more than once or twice. It was really appreciated when we received a restaurant gift card. It was so hard to get to the store and even harder to make dinner after using all our strength to tread water all day. I just didn't have the energy so we spent a small fortune eating take-out last year. It was sweet when someone gave us movie passes. We spent a lot of empty weekends at the movies last year. It was extremely helpful when people would spend time with us. It was very healing when people acknowledged special dates or anniversary's. A friend left a 6-pack of Diet Coke on our doorstep the day we were going to the cemetery for the first time. It didn't cost much or take much time but it was a HUGE tangible expression of love. We felt like someone cared and supported us that day.
It takes a lot to be a friend. It requires a lot of work. Sometimes, it's not fun. But if you're willing, you have the potential to help save someone from drowning.
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2 comments:
I want to tell you that the words you say are so important - they pierce my heart with their truth. I thought that I would have learned how to help others in need from my grief experience. I really need to hear your words to remind myself not to stay so isolated from others but to reach out as the Lord directs - so many times I have ignored His promptings - and am guilty of saying that I am praying or thinking of you - but never telling the actual person that needs to hear it. I would like to encourage you to put your thoughts together in an article - or book - and see where it takes you.
Trisha, Through this experience I am hoping and praying that I can be that kind of friend to someone I TRULY count as a friend in need. You have described things perfectly. It was one of the reasons I wrote on my blog about people putting actions into words. There is no need to have an expectation here. Just be there for the person(s) grieving and offer them your ear. I too feel as though we are a spectale to be observed and talked about from afar. I too feel as though we are a box that was checked once food had been delivered or prayers had been said.
I am guilty of saying that I am praying....but the difference is that I DO PRAY....right that minute for the person in need. Sometimes it is all you can offer. But when you are close enough to offer a more personal touch....well, that touch SHOULD become more personal.
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