Dear Disney...

I'm writing with a request for help. 

We have been long time annual pass holders (over 15 of the last 20 years).  Our son died at CHOC in 2008.  It was the worst nightmare ever!  Ever!  My then 9 year old daughter's girl scout troop raised money and bought him a plaque at Disney (C01-074). 

When his birthday rolled around we were at a loss of what to do.  We ended up spending the night at the Disney California Resort and spending the day at the park.  It was a tough day but being at the park and "celebrating" his birthday made it easier.  That day we decided that as a family we would ALWAYS spend his birthday (March 5) at Disneyland. 

We have done it every year...please check it out here: http://lookingforbluesky.blogspot.com/2012/03/in-pictures.html AND here: http://lookingforbluesky.blogspot.com/2011/03/good-day.html AND here: http://lookingforbluesky.blogspot.com/2010/03/up-and-down.html

Finances are tight these days but we wanted to keep our promise so we decided to buy passes every OTHER year and to do it on March 5 so that we could spend 2 birthdays at the park without having to buy 6 passes EVERY year.  It seemed perfect until last year when the price of the passes DOUBLED.

We are heartbroken at the thought of not being able to spend our sons birthday at Disney so I am writing to you for help.  Please let me know if there is any way that you can help us out.  We love going all year long but all we really need is a few hours in the park on March 5th every year.

With love and hope,
Trisha

Friday...I didn't realize what that day was

Funny how dates and events have a way of sneaking up on you.  Actually it's not funny at all.  It's just weird.

This past Friday, I went to put Brady down for his nap as I have been doing for the past month or so (before we got a video monitor I never let him out of my sight).  As I put him down, he looked at me and started crying.  He NEVER does that.  I kinda freaked.  Flashes ran through my head.  The blog I just read about a sweet little toddler drowning.  The mom I met who put her baby down to sleep and they never woke up.  I just had this erie feeling.  So I just walked out of the room...skipping his nap.  Weird.

Later, he was acting tired and I told myself that I was over reacting.  That everything was fine and I could put him down for a nap.  No.  Big.  Deal.  Again, I placed him in the crib and he looked at me with these little pathetic eyes and cried.  I immediately thought "what if he is trying to tell me that something bad is going to happen".  I knew that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't listen to that little voice in side of my head.  I did.  I listened even though I didn't know why.  Weird.  Again.

So we hung out instead.  Me and my little buddy.  He ended up taking a little nap in the car later that day while I was running kids around to sports.  It was fine.  I forgot all about my little freak out session.

Then, around midnight, I heard a door close and Brady started to cry.  I sleep with the video monitor RIGHT next to my bed.  My husband got up and realized that my 10 year old son was sleepwalking and went into Brady's room...waking him up.

Why did he subconsciously feel the need to go in and check on him?  Weird.  Once again. 



The next day I was thinking about what had happened and replayed the events in my head.  You see, I am a HUGELY overprotective mom with all my kids but ESPECIALLY with Brady.  But Friday was different.  I felt different.  There was different in the air that day.  Weird is the only way that I can describe it.

Then I realized just what that day was. 

Brady was 1 year AND 25 days old (Nate died on his 25th day) on Friday.  I don't know if there were other powers at play that day.  I don't know if subconsciously, I remembered that date or if there really was danger in play. 

But why was my son worried about him as well?

I don't know. 

Weird.

what I needed...

Today I read an amazing post from Mel at the Larson Lingo (no relation).  I don't know her personally, but I admire her in many, many ways.  I also used to be A LOT like her (pre-Nate).  I'm different now...

Anyway...she did an amazing post about how she rallied a ton of her friends and family together after the Newtown tragedy to bring Christmas joy to a friend of hers that had kids at that school (whom by the grace of God were physically unharmed). 

One of the things that struck me about this post was how I related to it.  After Nate died.  People did something similar for us.  No one organized anything to this magnitude but many of our (then) friends, family and neighbors dropped off restaurant gift cards, DVDs,  video games, toys for the kids, etc.

It was so nice.  Not only was it practical.  I'm talking INCREDIBLY PRACTICAL as my husband and I literally stared off into space for hours on end (our brains kept re-playing the horrid events of his death) and we had nothing to do but sit at home every day.  Every.  Single.  Day.  So we would just keep switching the DVDs and letting them play video games for hours on end.  I also had absolutely no energy or desire to go to the grocery store or make meals.  So we ate out a lot.  I mean A LOT.  We spent SO MUCH money eating take out but that's all we could do to get by and feed our kids. 

Most of all, what those gift cards, DVDs, and games represented was a practical expression of

LOVE!

It was a tangible way of showing that people cared and of representing the body of Christ in a physical way.

It warmed our soul. 

Deeply. 

It felt SO good to be loved and cared for.

So, if you ever know of someone that experiences a tragedy I encourage you all to do this (or something similar).  What a wonderful world it would be if we could all just feel wrapped up in the warmth of tangible expressions of LOVE.

2013!

Happy New Year to ALL!

As I approach 2013 (or in reality as it approaches me), I find myself a little fearful.  A little unsure.  I know how some years can be good.  I know how some can be bad.  Actually horrible. 

2012 was a good year for us.  We had a few challenges and a few scary issues to contend with but they all seemed to turn out to be okay in the end.  We closed a year that was filled with good health and many blessings to be thankful for.

Turning the corner to 2013 is a scary thought.  I don't know what it holds.  It could be good.  It could be bad.  Kinda scary.  I know that is where Faith comes to play.  Faith and I have been on unsure ground the past few years.  We are finding our way back to one another slowly but surely but we are yet to hold hands.  I still struggle with wanting to control.  I know that I always will. 

I don't know why I fear tomorrow.  The start of another year is really just another day.  A new calendar is not something to be scared of.  Silly, I know.

I hope that I can sit year one year from now reflecting on good memories, lessons learned and most importantly a year without tragedy or sadness.  I can hope.  I can pray.  I don't know.

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Can I ask you a question?" they said in the middle of a chaotic scene as we attempted to make our exit from a family Christmas gathering.    I smiled awkwardly pretending that I misunderstood their question, said "Merry Christmas" and slowly backed away with the hope of avoiding any and all conversation with this person. 

They leaned in closer, squeezing their body in between the dozen or so family members that were crowding in to make contact before our escape and a large pillar that stood in the middle of the room.  "Can I ask you a question?" they repeated more loudly and forcefully than before.  A quick look around found that my husband although nearby (an agreement that we made prior to our brief appearance at a family Christmas event) was distracted by conversations of other family members and in no way was able to offer protection.  I smiled more awkwardly than the first time and said "sure" as I couldn't think of any other way out...

"I want you to consider you letting me take you to lunch sometime so that you can explain to me what I could have possibly done to offend you so deeply". 

Huh?  Seriously?  (thoughts in my head...not spoken out loud)

"Think about it.  I would really like to know what I could have possibly done to offend you so deeply".

"Okay", I replied with a befuddled look upon my face as I proceeded directly to the door without stopping.

I don't get it.  I still don't get it.  I tried to do a good thing.  For the first time since Nate died, we made an appearance at a "family Christmas celebration".  I kept to myself with Brady in my arms.  I hung out with the kids (both mine and others) and avoided most adult interaction.  When approached I politely smiled and engaged enough to pass but not too much to divulge anything deep or meaningful.  I was trying to allow my husband to see his family, let my kids meet some family members that they have never seen (or at least don't remember seeing) while protecting myself from people that might say something hurtful albeit intentional or not.

I didn't hurt anybody. 
I didn't do anything to cause anyone harm. 
I spent most of the 52 minute stay just standing around observing and not bothering anyone. 

Why does someone have to say something so confrontational to me?  If they have a problem why don't they say it to my husband? 

Why do they have to single me out as the bad guy purposely catching me alone while my husband was pre-occupied?

By the way...just for the record.  That person didn't "offend" me.  They happen to serve in high capacity at church, work as a chaplain, and even wrote a book on grieving.  Despite that requisite, they said hurtful things and criticized our grieving after Nate died.  My husband and I were both shocked at their lack of compassion back then.  It caused a few tears but I'm over it.  We're over it.  I wasn't "offended" by them.  It's just clear that they don't get it and will never get it.  Nothing that I could ever say would change that.  So, I  don't want to put myself in the position again where they would say something else that was hurtful or judgemental.  Especially on my very first appearance at a "family Christmas".  I just wanted to survive and get out as soon as possible. 


Didn't work. 

I was hurt. 

My behavior was judged. 

Tears fell.

Merry Christmas dear in laws...can't wait to do it again.

Merry Christmas 2012

XOXOXOXOXO

 

Love,

Trisha

Hugs for the Holidays

A friend forwarded me this blog site:  An Inch of Gray.  I love it.  It touches my heart to see people reaching out to each other. 

The Holiday's are tough when you are grieving.  Actually, they are next to impossible, miserable, torturous.  In 2008, I couldn't wait for them to be over.  It seemed like the whole world was happy and celebrating all of their good fortune and I was alone.  Actually, in reality we were alone.  That year, no one reached out to us.  They didn't want to try and "grieve" with us, it was impossible for us to "celebrate" with them.  Like oil and water, we just didn't mix.

So this Christmas I remember what it felt like.  The sting of burying a child still burns.  It will never go away.  Christmas will always be hard on Earth without him.  At 4 1/2, I know that he would have just LOVED everything this year.  It's a magical age for Christmas.  Oh how I wish that I could celebrate with him...

For now, my heart aches for those who are newly grieving.  The families of the kids in Newtown, and the thousands of others that are publicly unknown.  God knows.  I pray that He comforts all of you.  I pray that you find support and love to help you through.  Lastly, I pray that we can all celebrate together in Heaven one day.

Hugs XOXO

Trisha