on my heart...

 

Nathan has been especially on my heart the past few weeks.

I walked into my my twins' 2nd grade Valentine's party on Thursday to find this on the desk next to one of them.

 

 
Normally, this student goes by Nathanial so this valentine caught me off guard.  Oh how that just tugged at my heart seeing that name. 

Big time.
 
But there have been many other things that have done that lately. 

• Driving past the little league fields every day where he should be playing t-ball.  Noah was playing his first year of t-ball when Nate died.  So weird to think of Nate being that age.

 

• Getting emails from school about Kindergarten registration this month and knowing that I should be getting my little guy ready for Kindergarten.  Such a huge milestone that will be missed.

• Trying to figure out how to celebrate his Golden Birthday ( FIVE on March 5th) since we don't have Disney passes this year.  A huge dilemma that we have not had to worry about since we made a decision to spend his birthday every year at Disney.

• Learning that my daughters friend (and we know her parents well) Katie's cancer returned and she is fighting for her life once again at the same hospital that we were at fighting for Nate's life.  They were on the same soccer team when Nate died.

• Receiving comments on this blog about how I am portraying myself as a victim, living in a paranoid state and how they doubt that "everyone" could have betrayed me.  Just to be clear, I am extremely insecure now but I do not view myself as a victim.  And, everyone didn't "betray" me, but everyone DID walk away.  Most have apologized for that but I am way too insecure to risk letting them back into my life.  I am not strong enough to risk getting burned like that again.  At least not right now.

 
 
I seem to get more emotional this time of year.  March is not my friend.  This year is especially difficult.  FIVE.  My sweet little boy would be turning 5.  Such an important birthday...especially since it's his "Golden Birthday". 
 
I don't talk about it much.  People don't want to hear about my son that lives in Heaven.  It's uncomfortable.  I get that.  So, I just maintain my superficial relationships with the moms from school and sports.  I talk about things that are silly, dumb, trivial.  Whatever it takes to get through my time with them.  It probably makes it worse.  But that's all I can do. 

So...I blog.  Thanks for listening...

 

love u...

Love.

 

A whole day of love.

 

Focusing on love.

 

Lots of sadness and tears lately.

 

XOXOXOXOXOXO

 

thanks for the generic form letter, Disney...

I expected more from the "Happiest Place on Earth"...



2/05/2013


Dear Trisha,

Thank you for your e-mail to the DISNEYLAND® Resort.

Unfortunately, we do not offer the type of admission tickets you are
requesting. Please be assured we try to meet the diverse needs of our
Guests by offering a wide variety of ticket types.

Periodically, we do offer various types of special ticket programs that
can provide savings for our Guests. Your local newspapers, radio and
television stations will advertise any special promotions that may be
available. Perhaps you and your family will be able to take advantage of
one of these offers when they become available.

Again, thank you for taking the time to write. We hope you will have the
opportunity to visit the DISNEYLAND® Resort soon and trust your visit
will be pleasant in all regards.

Sincerely,

Linda Trump
DISNEYLAND® Resort
Guest Experience Services


Please note all information is subject to change without notice and
should be confirmed just prior to your visit.

Received date: 1/30/13

Dear Disney...

I'm writing with a request for help. 

We have been long time annual pass holders (over 15 of the last 20 years).  Our son died at CHOC in 2008.  It was the worst nightmare ever!  Ever!  My then 9 year old daughter's girl scout troop raised money and bought him a plaque at Disney (C01-074). 

When his birthday rolled around we were at a loss of what to do.  We ended up spending the night at the Disney California Resort and spending the day at the park.  It was a tough day but being at the park and "celebrating" his birthday made it easier.  That day we decided that as a family we would ALWAYS spend his birthday (March 5) at Disneyland. 

We have done it every year...please check it out here: http://lookingforbluesky.blogspot.com/2012/03/in-pictures.html AND here: http://lookingforbluesky.blogspot.com/2011/03/good-day.html AND here: http://lookingforbluesky.blogspot.com/2010/03/up-and-down.html

Finances are tight these days but we wanted to keep our promise so we decided to buy passes every OTHER year and to do it on March 5 so that we could spend 2 birthdays at the park without having to buy 6 passes EVERY year.  It seemed perfect until last year when the price of the passes DOUBLED.

We are heartbroken at the thought of not being able to spend our sons birthday at Disney so I am writing to you for help.  Please let me know if there is any way that you can help us out.  We love going all year long but all we really need is a few hours in the park on March 5th every year.

With love and hope,
Trisha

Friday...I didn't realize what that day was

Funny how dates and events have a way of sneaking up on you.  Actually it's not funny at all.  It's just weird.

This past Friday, I went to put Brady down for his nap as I have been doing for the past month or so (before we got a video monitor I never let him out of my sight).  As I put him down, he looked at me and started crying.  He NEVER does that.  I kinda freaked.  Flashes ran through my head.  The blog I just read about a sweet little toddler drowning.  The mom I met who put her baby down to sleep and they never woke up.  I just had this erie feeling.  So I just walked out of the room...skipping his nap.  Weird.

Later, he was acting tired and I told myself that I was over reacting.  That everything was fine and I could put him down for a nap.  No.  Big.  Deal.  Again, I placed him in the crib and he looked at me with these little pathetic eyes and cried.  I immediately thought "what if he is trying to tell me that something bad is going to happen".  I knew that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't listen to that little voice in side of my head.  I did.  I listened even though I didn't know why.  Weird.  Again.

So we hung out instead.  Me and my little buddy.  He ended up taking a little nap in the car later that day while I was running kids around to sports.  It was fine.  I forgot all about my little freak out session.

Then, around midnight, I heard a door close and Brady started to cry.  I sleep with the video monitor RIGHT next to my bed.  My husband got up and realized that my 10 year old son was sleepwalking and went into Brady's room...waking him up.

Why did he subconsciously feel the need to go in and check on him?  Weird.  Once again. 



The next day I was thinking about what had happened and replayed the events in my head.  You see, I am a HUGELY overprotective mom with all my kids but ESPECIALLY with Brady.  But Friday was different.  I felt different.  There was different in the air that day.  Weird is the only way that I can describe it.

Then I realized just what that day was. 

Brady was 1 year AND 25 days old (Nate died on his 25th day) on Friday.  I don't know if there were other powers at play that day.  I don't know if subconsciously, I remembered that date or if there really was danger in play. 

But why was my son worried about him as well?

I don't know. 

Weird.

what I needed...

Today I read an amazing post from Mel at the Larson Lingo (no relation).  I don't know her personally, but I admire her in many, many ways.  I also used to be A LOT like her (pre-Nate).  I'm different now...

Anyway...she did an amazing post about how she rallied a ton of her friends and family together after the Newtown tragedy to bring Christmas joy to a friend of hers that had kids at that school (whom by the grace of God were physically unharmed). 

One of the things that struck me about this post was how I related to it.  After Nate died.  People did something similar for us.  No one organized anything to this magnitude but many of our (then) friends, family and neighbors dropped off restaurant gift cards, DVDs,  video games, toys for the kids, etc.

It was so nice.  Not only was it practical.  I'm talking INCREDIBLY PRACTICAL as my husband and I literally stared off into space for hours on end (our brains kept re-playing the horrid events of his death) and we had nothing to do but sit at home every day.  Every.  Single.  Day.  So we would just keep switching the DVDs and letting them play video games for hours on end.  I also had absolutely no energy or desire to go to the grocery store or make meals.  So we ate out a lot.  I mean A LOT.  We spent SO MUCH money eating take out but that's all we could do to get by and feed our kids. 

Most of all, what those gift cards, DVDs, and games represented was a practical expression of

LOVE!

It was a tangible way of showing that people cared and of representing the body of Christ in a physical way.

It warmed our soul. 

Deeply. 

It felt SO good to be loved and cared for.

So, if you ever know of someone that experiences a tragedy I encourage you all to do this (or something similar).  What a wonderful world it would be if we could all just feel wrapped up in the warmth of tangible expressions of LOVE.

2013!

Happy New Year to ALL!

As I approach 2013 (or in reality as it approaches me), I find myself a little fearful.  A little unsure.  I know how some years can be good.  I know how some can be bad.  Actually horrible. 

2012 was a good year for us.  We had a few challenges and a few scary issues to contend with but they all seemed to turn out to be okay in the end.  We closed a year that was filled with good health and many blessings to be thankful for.

Turning the corner to 2013 is a scary thought.  I don't know what it holds.  It could be good.  It could be bad.  Kinda scary.  I know that is where Faith comes to play.  Faith and I have been on unsure ground the past few years.  We are finding our way back to one another slowly but surely but we are yet to hold hands.  I still struggle with wanting to control.  I know that I always will. 

I don't know why I fear tomorrow.  The start of another year is really just another day.  A new calendar is not something to be scared of.  Silly, I know.

I hope that I can sit year one year from now reflecting on good memories, lessons learned and most importantly a year without tragedy or sadness.  I can hope.  I can pray.  I don't know.