comfortable?

I sat here reading through past posts a few days ago.  They sounded sad.  I sound sad.  

Got me thinking...am I sad?

I'm not!  Definitively.   
NOT SAD!

Do I have sad moments? YES!

Where do I go when I experience those moments...those feelings?

**HERE!**

That's usually when I blog. When I'm sad.  When I'm struggling.  When I want to talk about Nate and the rest of the world doesn't want to hear.  This is what I use my blog for.

But most of the time...I'm not sad.  Being almost 6 years down the path I'm finding myself pretty darn comfortable with life.  I've learned to live with my grief.  

5 years ago I wrote this post.  
Back then I was drowning in grief - could not keep my head above water.  
But now...now I think I'm more like the amputee.  
I feel like someone unexpectedly ripped my leg off.  
At first I couldn't move.  
I couldn't escape the tormenting pain.  
All day...all night.  
My missing leg was at the forefront of every thought.  
But through the years I learned to walk again.  I still stumble and fall.  
There are still scars.  They will never go away.  
And I will never walk the same as I would if I didn't have my leg ripped off.  
I walk differently now.  But I'm walking.  Surviving.  
Comfortable going on with my life without my leg... comfortable going on with life without my son.

I guess I have finally accepted the life that God chose for me.  I don't always like it.  A newborn baby sitting next to me still causes me to question God "why did you have to take MY BABY".  Thoughts of celebrating Nate's birthday again (without him) still breaks my heart.  And family...ugh - they will NEVER understand.

BUT...most days are blue sky days.  Insanely busy, exhausting days.  But blue sky nonetheless.  I'm going to officially stick the comfortable label firmly on my forehead (I can take it off when it's not a blue sky day).

it's that time of year again...

The start of the new year always brings thoughts of Nate's birthday to the forefront of our minds.  Can you say TRIGGER?

The kids have been asking a lot about how we are going to celebrate this year.  They have their plans set and ready to go.  They include a traditional day at Disneyland with a balloon release and eating at McDonald's.  They also include a VERY non traditional day...they have asked to go to the cemetery and visit his grave.  They have it all planned out...Disneyland on his birthday and the cemetery on the anniversary of his death.

I just nod.
That's all I can do.

We have yet to figure out how we are going to do Disneyland this year ( I have been entering every single contest I can find to win tickets) and I don't even know how I feel about taking all the kids to the cemetery.

My two oldest kids DO NOT want to go to the cemetery...they have made that very clear.  They remember going to bury him.  That was enough for them.  They twins do not.  They have lots of questions.  They want to see for themselves.  Lets just say that the cemetery is not my favorite place.  He's not there...he's in Heaven.  So for me, it's just a sad reminder of his broken little body.

My twins are almost 9 1/2 - the EXACT age that my oldest was when Nate was born...and died.  

Crazy.  

It's a unique experience when you mark the growth of your kids by a tragedy. 

I find myself often comparing them, the experiences that they had and the struggles that they have had to deal with.  Overall, my kids have dealt with this tragedy well.  We have met other families whose kids have fallen victim to self destructive behaviors.  So sad.  For now, we are lucky that we don't have to walk that path.  Prayerful that we never have to.

*****I just read this post and it sounds so scattered...but I am not going to change it.  I'm not going to clean it up and make it sound good.  I'm going to let it stand on it's own.  This time of year I always feel scattered and that's just how I am.  I don't know if it will always be like that.  I just take it one year at a time...and that's okay.

prayin' for a good year...

 Happy

 Happy

 Happy

2014!!!

The start of a new year is always a little scary for me (the new me after Nate died).  I now know how much can change in the span on 12 little months.  

Lots of hopes and dreams for 2014 but really only one prayer that I pray every night... good health...especially for these five. 

Christmas 13

2013 continues to be a year of growth for me (I don't think I'll ever be done growing- ugh).  I have given up on finding the joy in shopping, cooking, baking and all the other craziness that ensues during the month of December.  I'm not the person I used to be.  I keep trying.  But those things just don't do it for me anymore.

Rather...I have found joy in doing little acts of kindness for those that are hurting, donating special gifts to underprivileged kids in Nate's memory, making hot chocolate and driving around for hours looking at Christmas lights with all 7 of us in the car.  The little things.

Most of all, I have found joy in my kids.  I am continually discovering that they are different than most others.  I'm not saying that they never get out of line...HA!  But, I fully expected them to be jealous and angry when I didn't allow them to participate in any of the secret Santa gift exchanges.  To my surprise...they weren't!  They were so excited to go to the events to see what the other kids gave and received and didn't complain about not receiving gifts at all.  Instead, they helped me figure out how to do daily acts of kindness for some of the hurting families around us.  I have to say that brought me the most joy of all this Christmas!

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas!  XOXO

two

How is it possible that two years have passed?  The second year definitely flew by faster than the first.

I often wonder what God has planned for this little one.  The person that He sent to bring out the sunshine.  Why did God allow Nate to die?  Why did God send us this sweetie pie?  Waste less hours spent trying to understand God's big picture...

I believe that this birthday boy will do great things on this earth.  He is the sweetest, most mellow child that has mature conversations and speaks in complete sentences.  Maybe he will be a heart surgeon --saving the lives of numerous kids so that other Mommies don't have to walk my path.  Maybe he will cure cancer, maybe he will become President, maybe he will become a Pastor and lead thousands of people to Jesus.

Or...maybe he will just lead a normal, uneventful life.  Only time will tell.  But I have a feeling that his purpose here on Earth will be epic.  Just sayin'...

Happy Birthday to my sweet little RAINBOW.  I can't imagine life without you and I'm so grateful that I don't have to.



****

Also sending birthday wishes to Nate's angel friends: Preslee and Kevin who also share this special date.  Big hugs to your Mama's. 

I'm just not that into it...

Is the Christmas Spirit contagious?  If so, I need someone to give it to me because I just don't have it.  Everything I "need" to do this month just seems pointless.

My kids keep asking me why I'm in a bad mood.  Ugh!  This month.  Didn't expect it to be so hard.

My heart is sad.  I know so many that are hurting.  And I'm crushed in spirit even more this week because the amazing couple that founded Soccer for Hope is spending their last hours with their sweet 11 year old daughter.  They already buried their son just 2 months after we lost Nate.  Now their daughter is losing her battle with the same ugly, horrible Cancer.  

It's not fair!  
My heart just aches day and night.
How can you be asked to bury BOTH of your kids?

My kids have been very involved with this family and their foundation for the past five years.  I've even posted about it a few times:

2013 
2012 
2010  

I've also been thinking a lot about Nate and all of the other sick kids in the hospital.  Can you say compassion overload?  My head is spinning... 

I lost it last night.  I told my kids that we are not taking part in ANY "Secret Santa's" or gift exchanges for school or sports.  We have enough!  They don't need any more stuff!!!  Instead, we are going to spend that time and money on doing stuff for others.  God already gave me a few ideas.

I know that I need to focus on making this time of year special for my family.  I want my kids to have great memories -  not a grumpy mama.  I'm working on it. Hopefully I can change my attitude!

And...if by chance you have some extra Christmas Spirit...please send some my way!

confirmation from my eleven year old

This past week I have been consumed by thoughts of the Holiday's approaching.  Not the typical shopping, baking, decorating ideas.  Rather, thoughts of those that are approaching their first Holiday without their child...husband...dad...mom.

We went to a lot of funerals this year.  Too many.  So I know first hand that many of these families are approaching this difficult time.  My heart aches for them.  The Holiday's are not always Joyful and celebratory.  They can be rough.  Downright miserable.

So I have been reaching out to a few people to see if I can help.  Hoping that something I learned or experienced will make it easier.  Knowing deep down that nothing can make it better.  But I want to do something.  Surely I can do something to help someone else.  God put this on my heart as a kid.  I have always had a desire to reach out and help others -- even before Nate and most certainly after Nate.   

I have encouraged my kids to do that too.  Yesterday my 11 year old son taught me a lesson straight out of the bible.  One that I should have taught him.  At the beginning of the year he signed up for a community service program at school.  The idea was that you do 20 hours of community service and then you get an award...a recognition from the school for your service.  The past couple of months he has done a big portion of the required hours.  Yesterday I asked him why he hadn't filled out his "service log".  He informed me that he still wants to do the community service but was quitting the school program.  He told me that it's not really community service if he gets an award for doing it.

Sigh...

He's right.
So right.

I've read it in the bible time and time again.  It's just how we should live.  Doing good things for others without any recognition.  This confirms what God has already been putting on my heart this week.

So, here's my thought on this.  

If you read my blog...whether I know you or not, I encourage you to look around and identify the people in your families, lives and neighborhoods that are hurting.  Sometimes...we forget who they are (and it's hard to be the one that is forgotten).  Then, think of ways that you can show them practical expressions of love and kindness this Holiday Season.  

Little things:  
a phone call
an email
a card
a homemade goodie
a meal
a gift
TIME!

It won't change the world...but it might change one person's world...XOXO.