an apology

Last week my husbands Aunt paid us a visit.  It was not a conversation that I wanted to have but it was a conversation that I needed to have.  It was very healing and it made me realize just how far I have come in the last 2 years.

My husband's Aunt was always someone that I greatly admired.  I didn't have a good role model for a mother and neither did my husband.  His Aunt was someone that I aspired to be like for the past 20 years.  She was a good wife, a loving mother and a great Christian.  Occasionally, I would consult her with difficult situations and she always gave me solid advice.

After Nate died, we had two different conversations with her in our living room.  On both occasions, we explained to her that we didn't have support and that we needed her to help us.  We pretty much begged her to hold our hand during that very dark time.  Her brother had died when she was only 13 so we were comforted by the fact that she "understood" better than most what we were going through.

Despite our pleas, we didn't hear a single word from her (or most of the family) for 7 months.  It was so hard for us to ask her for help.  We risked a lot in doing that and then she completely rejected us.  It hurt.  It hurt BAD.  As I have explained previously, the family dynamic was more of a perceived closeness than a real unity.  But we didn't know that back then.  All we could see was that we asked family for help...and they abandoned us.

Last week she came over and offered us a sincere apology.  She explained that when she was in church the week before, she felt a great sense of conviction for what she had done.  That her attempt to rationalize her actions weren't cutting it with God (my words not hers) and that she needed to apologize and ask for forgiveness.

It was a lengthy conversation.  In the past, I would have been insecure and emotional.  But this time, I was calm, cool and collected.  I really just submitted to God and let Him lead me.  It was so good to feel the peace of God during a potentially volatile time.  It was so comforting to know that God told her heart that she was wrong and we didn't have to. 

After I came away from that, I really felt like I had forgiven her.  I  was not dependent on her approval or love for me any more.  I haven't felt that strong in a long time.  I was so grateful that God allowed me to feel that way.  I am so grateful that God is healing my heart. 

I don't know what our future relationship looks like.  It's hard to be with people that knew you before...but have no idea who you are now.  It's hard to be with people that completely walked away when you needed them most. 

During the conversation, we still received pressure to re-connect with family.  We now know that part of that pressure is because they can't claim their title of a "close, Christian family" when we aren't participating.  Now, we realize that it's our choice and we don't have to feel bad.  Our marriage, our kids and our relationship with God are what's important to us.  So until God leads us in another direction, we will keep the wagons circled around us and only venture out when we want to.