Children are a gift from God
Psalm 127:3
I've always been a very private person. I haven't been one to openly share with others unless I know AND TRUST them well. So this is a hard post for me. I've debated over and over today on whether or not to hit the "publish post" button. I'm risking a lot and am very uncomfortable. I don't know how this post will be received.
Though I only know a few of you, I'm reaching out and asking for prayer. Specifically, for prayer that we can have another child.
After Nate died, I felt the urgency to get pregnant again. I wasn't ready. In fact, I was a mess. But I NEEDED to fill my empty arms. I needed to have hope that something good was coming. A blessing that would not have happened if not for the tragedy of losing Nate. So we began trying...last May.
I know that if I would have gotten pregnant last year I would have been a complete mess. I would not have allowed myself to enjoy the pregnancy. I would not have told anyone for months. I would not have bought a single thing. Fear that another baby would go to Heaven would have prevented me from all of the blessings and joy that pregnancy brings. All the joy that God wants us to have.
Now I am in a much better place. Now I believe that if I were to be blessed with another baby, I would enjoy every moment. I would be fearful as my world has changed. But I would treasure every single thing like never before. Eventhough it would be my 6th child, it would feel like my first.
My children have been asking for another baby since Nate died. They pray all of the time and keep asking me why God hasn't given us another. My son so desperately wants another brother. He's surrounded by girls and just wants a buddy to hang with. My twins pray all the time for triplets. Yes, triplets. They ask God to give Mommy 3 babies so that they can each have one and one can go to Heaven. It's so sad that in their little world, babies go to Heaven. I wish that they didn't know that reality. I wish that I didn't know that reality. My oldest daughter was the closest to Nate. She got to hold him and spend time with him. She has had the hardest time. Two years ago, she prayed for us to get pregnant again without telling us. She cried when we told her that we were pregnant with Nate. She told us that God had answered her prayer. Everytime my belly is the least bit bloated she asks me with hopeful eyes if I'm pregnant again. I hate telling her no. It breaks her heart. It breaks my heart.
It's hard that God keeps saying no to us. I do not know the reason. But, I do know that He has put this desire on my heart. I do not believe that he would do that unless He planned on fulfilling it. But, here I wait...month after month after month. I'm getting older. My kids are getting older. I don't know what else to do.
Will you pray for me?
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17 comments:
Thanks for being honest. I will be praying for you.
I'll will be praying.
I will certainly pray for you!!!!!
Hi! Veronica gave me the link to your blog and I'm so glad to "meet" you! :) I will be praying for you to have another baby.
I am so glad for the suggestions in your blog. I cannot begin to know what it's like to lose a child, but going through my Mom's unexpected death almost 5 years ago, I can relate to feeling completely alone. No one helped us or called or came by or brought us food, except for maybe the day of her funeral. Your blog will definitely help me to never make that same mistake. I even think your suggestions will help me to help my friend who is going through a divorce.
Your son was precious and I feel honored that you have shared his life with me.
Kristin
Yes, I will pray for you.
Trisha....I'm glad you decided to publish this post after all. I know God sees the desires of your heart. I pray that you will be blessed with another child! Thanks so much for sharing what's been on your heart!
hey you. Gosh..i also hesitate to share because i want to pray with you for the desires of your heart but i also fervently pray for you to find peace in the waiting and ultimately in God's will, as it is in Heaven. Now, one thing i've found is extremely annoying is when we are hurting, for someone to throw out a scripture to "make it all better..."..i get that and so i don't want to just say "praying thy will be done." and be done with it. That's not where my heart is..but i also remember being so convicted with gratitude that we were able to conceive at all, even with a baby "incompatible with life." That i could even feel her move in me, feel life within me grow, and be able to look into the face of a child who was entrusted to us just long enough for us to show her the love of her heavenly father...really showed my heart how to be more compassionate to those who can't conceive...have struggled and fought and begged for that chance. Maybe...for now (?) the waiting is opening your heart to the other side. The side that let's God use you to not only those who have lost but also those who have never had at all. I truly don't want to share this with you with ANY sort of "knowing." Just speaking to a heart that gets mine.
And no matter what the answer is...i pray for God's will to be perfected in this life you lead as you show the world how to be OPEN to LIFE! How glorious is just that alone!?
Amen! Praise God! Blessed is your womb!
praying for you.
From all of us in Wyoming, we send our hearts out to your family!
I'm stopping by again to leave a better comment. :)
I totally understand the desire to be pregnant again, to fill those empty arms. Our bodies ache for a baby to fill the void that was left after our babies left us. I know this too well. I am so glad you are in a beter place where if you did become pregnant you could cherish that pregnancy without completely falling apart.
Losing a child certainly changes your perspective on many things, pregnancy included. I know that after Carlegih's diagnois, my outlook changed drastically. I quit complaining about stupid little things. And I don't know if that fear of losing another child ever completely goes away. I feel I am at a very good place right now and we are currently TTC and yet I still have that fear. I admit I've always had that fear when pregnant but now it is much more real to me.
God's timing is not always our timing. It can be frustrating when things don't go how we want them and according to our own timetable. I'm sure He is telling us "Be patient". We could all use more of that!!
I will ask God to bless you with a child-to fill your heart with joy again. If God has put that desire there then it is for a reason and He will reveal it to you.
Hi Trisha,
I'm praying for you and feeling what you feel. Yesterday, I had an appointment with my new OB/GYN.
Talking about getting pregnancy after a lost was really difficult. I was surprised at how much I broke down and was a sobbing mess.
I know the road leading towards pregnancy will be hard, being pregnant even harder, and the first year of the baby's life the hardest, but I know it is a road that all of us special mommies need to travel to have the family we desire.
Bea
I will be praying for you.
We will continue praying for you. That it would be the Lord's will to bless your family with another baby and that He would give you the strength to wait on His timing, which is something I know you've already had to experience.
Also, thank you for sharing this. I know it's something that doesn't always come easy to you and I think it shows how close you've grown to the Lord over the last year.
Miss you guys!
I will of course be praying. I am so glad you wrote this post- I was in the middle of writing you back on the email and decided to check out your blog. I will finish the email tomorrow morning at work but just wanted to tell you that I am praying and thinking of you.
Talk to you soon- Angie
I'll be praying, sister. The day is coming when all of us have happy news on our blogs, and it will be a day of great celebration!
Yes, I will pray for you.
Also, I wanted to let you know that I've been reading your blogs aloud to my husband, and so many things reflect what we are experiencing and continue to experience. It helps to find validation for what we are feeling.
Also, I already mentioned on your post about drowning how I felt that God meant for me to find your site. I visited sweet Nathan's memorial. He is such a precious, beautiful gift. I started reading through the emails and felt a chill when I read that you were admitted into the hospital on March 4 and delivered on March 5, because those dates are so significant to me.
On March 4 I went in for a follow-up Level II ultrasound, and learned that our baby had passed away. I was 18 weeks pregnant. I was admitted into the hospital that same night for an induction, and delivered my son on the morning of March 5.
I know in my heart that God meant for me to find you.
Thank you for sharing your story and precious Nate with us.
My son was born with a heart defect and passed away just after birth in February 2009. My girls were devastated. They both longed to have another sibling. What makes me so sad is that my 3 year old now thinks it is the norm for babies to be born and go to heaven, just like your twins have said. Whenever I talk about my friends' new babies, she always says, "but their baby might die". She talks about this when we play house together. She'll say, "This is my honey(baby), but he didn't die". And then there is my 10 year old who cries often when she thinks about her brother.
It pains me that our children had to grow up so fast in that one moment. They have to deal with something that most adults have a hard time with, let alone a child.
Thank you again for sharing your feelings and experiences. I will pray that God blesses you with another baby soon.
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