For me, difficult roads include going to events and being in the company with people that left us alone to drown. Until now, I have opted out of almost everything. I have only stretched myself to meet the needs of my husband and my kids on a few occasions. Other than that, our family as a whole has been staying on the easy road. I love the easy road. I have found so much comfort on the easy road. But I am at a point now where I want to stretch and I want to grow. I can't do that if I don't try the difficult road.
My husband and I have talked a lot this week about why we have avoided the difficult road this past year. We had a LIGHT BULB moment and then it all made sense.
Criticism
Criticism is the reason that we have avoided the difficult road.
The difficult road is not filled with love and acceptance. It is not filled with compassion and understanding. That's why we have avoided it. All of the bumps in that road just hurt. They hurt bad.
Why is it that people that have absolutely no idea what it feels like to bury a child are the ones that are telling us that we are doing it wrong? I have yet to hear a criticism from anyone that has walked this walk.
In looking back, we have found that a majority of people we know have taken the liberty of criticizing us. For some reason, in our darkest hour they blamed us for their poor actions. Here are a few of the ones that my husband and I have received:
- You're not handling the death of your son well.
- You need to be stronger for your kids.
- We didn't come over because you didn't make us feel welcome.
- My dad died and I handled it better than you are handling Nate's death.
- You didn't tell us what you needed so we didn't know what to do.
- You looked sad so I didn't know what to say.
- You didn't respond to my email so I stopped trying.
- You need to go on anti-depressants so you can get back to normal.
- We're hurt and upset that you don't want to be around our babies.
- You should be OVER it by now.
- You should be happy that Nate is in Heaven and get back to your good life.
- I don't care what you are going through, life goes on for everyone else.
- Don't you know that God won't give you more than you can handle?
It always felt like we were doing something wrong. That nothing was wrong with anyone else -- the problem was US! A large majority of these criticism's came from family members. This is the reason that we retreated. We felt like we were under attack. And, in reality...we were. These are not words of comfort.
Now that we are considering the difficult road we are preparing to deal with criticism. We have been so vulnerable and so insecure that whenever we were told that we were doing something wrong it just devastated us. It was so hard to hear. Instead of being lifted up, we were crushed.
God is teaching me that I can be weak and He can handle these situations for us. He knows that I certainly didn't do a very good job when I was trying to handle it myself. I want to trust Him. I want to be confident in myself so that I can reject these criticisms as they surface. I am weak but He is strong. I am hoping that He will use His strength to carry me the first few miles. This is my motivation:
Put your heart right...Reach out to God...Then face the world again, firm and courageous. Then all your troubles will fade from your memory, like floods that are past and remembered no more. (Job 11:13, 15-16 TEV)
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13 comments:
All I can say to this post is AMEN!
Wow, I am still amazed at what people have the gall to say! We have heard many of those too. You are right, they have no idea. I have tried to be understanding, and think "They don't know what to say to me, so this is all they can come up with, they mean well." But it isn't always teh truth, and it doesn't stop it from hurting.
My favorite saying as of late is "When are you going to get pregnant again?" Like I can just replace her.
Good luck with the hard road, praying that you have strength to endure it...
((HUGS)) I can't believe that people will say those things to someone who has lost a child.
I pray that God continues to help you move past the criticism. You have done nothing wrong.
Very well put, Trisha. A painfully honest, blatently truthful post. And may whomever reads this take heed, whether strangers, friends or family, so they may have a slightly better understanding of what it feels like to be on this journey. Though no one can really know unless you've lost your child, maybe this will help someone come a little bit closer to understanding how such a tragedy changes us.
xoxo,
christy
I'm sorry for all the insensitive comments, Trisha. I know those really sting because they make you feel even more isolated. I think ongoing acknowledgment of death and grief is sorely lacking in our society. It is really such a shame. I think so many people think they do their part if they send flowers or a sympathy card. What they don't realize is that this process is only just starting. If people are not sure what to say, they need to learn. Reading a book or even an article on the subject can do wonders. But leaving friends and family to walk this walk alone or making criticizing comments is just hurtful. People need to become unawkward about it. This is when we need you the most, and we need to know it is okay to cry on your shoulder. It is not easy to be the ones who not only lose their child, but now they make everyone around them uncomfortable. We need empathy, not judgments. I understand that different people need different things when dealing with their grief. Some like to talk about it where others may internalize it more. Maybe what people need to do is ask someone in our situation what would help us. That alone can ease the subject matter and bring new understanding.
Isnt it amazing just like you said.. the first to judge or give "advice" are those that havent been through it. I am sorry you had to hear such harmful words. I know what its like. When our baby passed my sister in law had the guts to say "well it cant be as bad as my friend that just lost her 19 year old he had lived a good life and was about to serve a mission, your son was sick." are you kidding me... how is loosing a baby and less hard then loosing a 19 year old. Anyway vent over. I am just sorry you have had to deal with this and wish you best luck with your choices. Many hugs
Oh how I wish I could give you a GIANT hug right now.
Everything you said made PERFECT sense to me!! And for the first time I realize why we too have been hiding out in the past! Now we know that we were guarding our hearts from others and their WICKED comments!!!
I think we have heard everyone you mentioned and now that I think about it - they were all from people who have NEVER lost a child. I don't know why they can't keep their mouth shut and just offer up prayers!??! We have heard things like;
"its not her birthday. she is dead, its time to move on"
"you can't let your other children see you cry about her" (okay but what do I do when our 4 yr old cries because she misses her?)
"there comes a time when you have to move on" (really, what time is that?)
"your heart will heal now that you have a new baby" (like this baby replaces the one I lost??? what??? this doesnt make any sense at all to me)
"you should just be thankful for the kids you do have" (again..what? of course im thankful for them..im probably more thankful now because I know what its like to be without one)
"we don't call because we dont want you to cry..we don't mention her name because we don't want to see you cry..etc"
"you are making US feel uncomfortable..." (oh okay, so I suppose the death of my daughter makes ME FEEL COMFORTABLE?? um no!)
"it's been almost three years, you should be over it by now..maybe you need counseling and medication"
Ugh - the list could go on forever I suppose. I was really moved by your post - thank you for being so open and honest. God really used your words to minister to my heart! And you are right -there is a certain amount of comfort in being around others who 'get it' - if only we could start our own community on some beautiful island with blue skys ;0)
Love and many hugs to you today!
God bless,
Kelly
Hi there...I've visited here a few times and I always fall in love with your precious boys face! What a cutie!
I'm so sorry you've had to deal with this sort of thing, especially from family. I mean what else do you have if you don't have family? I'll be praying for you as you begin to travel the difficult road.
Have a great weekend friend!
OMG... people...I am sorry that you have had to deal with this esp from family!! Sending you lots of hugs!
Just one of those comments would make me retreat led alone all of them!!!
First off, thank you so much for your post on my blog (and Drowning post....WOW! Is all I can say I felt like I could've been writing some of those words) and secondly, I think I could've written a lot of what you have posted here....I guess the one thing I've become good at is biting my tongue (hence my blog where I can "let it all out") and not smacking people. The "you should be over it" or the "be happy he'll/she'll never know pain" or the "go on anti-depressants" sound *so* familiar as does the lack of family support and comfort =( I'm so sorry that your family was "chosen" to walk this painful path ~ *nothing* in our lives will ever be the same, in a way our "innocence" has been robbed and we've seen such a devastating part of life that many people will never see, nor will they understand ~ so unfortunately they will go on to wound others who, possibly just needed a listening ear of arms to hug them.
Prayers being sent your way as you start entering those difficult roads again. May we all have the strength and courage that you have.
It is VERY unacceptable for people, especially family, to act like you are in the wrong. You won't find a family who has lost their child going against anything you say b/c I'm sure we have all felt that way in one way or another. People say very crappy things to those who are grieving the loss of their child.
I have had my share of people (including family) make assumptions that I should be better and doing certain things and it upset me.
I am praying for you as you go down that difficult road.
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