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Tough stuff
Life is rough right now. I had a very spiritual day yesterday and planned on writing about what God was teaching me. About how I've grown in the Lord and what I've learned. About what I've been praying for and how He is answering me. But instead, I'm sharing some tough stuff that I'm experiencing right now. I try to stay positive but I'm not one to pretend that everything is okay when it isn't. So, this is what I'm struggling with:
- Yesterday, I ran into an old MOPS friend at a bookstore. She commented on how big my kids were getting and asked where the "new" one was. I replied "in Heaven" and watched her brain process the words that I said -- it's weird how you can physically see it. Most people just say "I'm sorry" and move on. She was kind and asked for more information. We ended up sitting and talking for a while. I didn't think that 16 months later, I would still have to face these situations. Doesn't everyone in the world know that Nate died? It feels like they should.
- I have three people that are currently trying to reconnect. I haven't responded to them and really don't want to. I feel like it's hanging over my head. I want to move on but two of them are family and I will need to have those difficult conversations with them. It just takes so much energy. Pouring your heart out to someone, letting them see your pain and then watching them walk away while you sink to the bottom of the ocean. Not fun.
- My father-in-law is dying. He will likely pass this week. My husband is sad. My kids are sad. I'm trying to hold it together. Everything is just a reminder of when Nate died. This will be my first funeral. It will be my first time seeing most of my husbands family since we buried our son. I don't know if I'm prepared for everything. I don't know if I can do this.
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14 comments:
Well, life isn't all peaches and cream and sometimes it just helps to write out the rotten stuff.
You seriously can see it when people process in their head that you just told them your child died. It's like they're wondering what they should say next. Most people do say sorry and move on uncomfortably. I am glad that your MOPS friend asked about it more. Even though it can bring up those difficult emotions, it can also feel good to talk about your baby. But, yeah, you would like to think everyone would know by then but I guess not.
I can't say I blame you for not wanting to have those difficult conversations. I wouldn't look forward to that at all. I am not one that likes confrontation. I guess all that's left to do is just pray and see what God's will is in this situation. It won't be easy.
I'm so sorry to hear about your FIL. This will no doubt be a difficult time for your family and will bring up so many emotions regarding Nate. Plus, having to deal with family too. (((hugs))) All of this has to be so overwhelming for you and I pray that God's grace cover you during this time.
As for TTC, I hope that this month is your month, God willing.
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I have never lost a baby but after reading your blog I will now be much more sensitive to those that have lost someone they love and long after the fact. I am praying for you and your family and that you will get to turn your grief around and minister to your husbands family as they are about to lose a father and grandfather...it will be your turn to give and I know after what you have been through you will step up to the plate with God's help. Your blog has touched me.
I am so sorry you are hitting another rough patch here. It's a painful time, and it may be all that you can do to take care of your husband, kids, and yourself. It really does take so much energy...so try to be gentle and kind to yourself this next week. I'm so sorry. Hugs to you, Krista
Im sorry you are having another hard month. It will get better. Good luck with TTC!
I am so sorry! Hugs to you, and many, many prayers! My thoughts will be with your family.
I am sorry you are having to deal with some very hard things these days. I pray the waters calm and the sky is blue for you soon.
I am so sorry about your father in law.
Peace & love to you
I am so sorry about everything going on. I will keep your family in my prayers.
Cheryl
Wow - that is a lot to process in a short amount of time. Holding fast to God during these times are all we have!
Psalm 46:1 "God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble"
I came once before and have been redirected back through your comment for Celia. It's always hard to read when someone is in such deep sorrow and coming up with something to say - empty handed. And while I have never walked your roads, my words might bot be taken gratefully. I think what you said for her was uplifting and I do hope she finds comfort in it. You have been there -
I hope this month brings you great joy and some much needed time together with your husband! We conceived our little boy right after I lost my grandfather and great grandfather (whom were only days apart of passing). I wish the same life after loss for your family!
Praying for you friend. It's so hard to understand sometimes why God allows difficult seasons to become even more difficult.
This is my prayer for you this morning...
"I pray that out of His glorious riches He may strengthen you with power through His Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge- that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God." Ephesians 3:16-19
Love you!
Trisha...sorry I've been missing for a while. After reading this post, my heart is heavy for your right now. I will be praying that you'll be able to feel the Lord now more than ever. I pray also that you'll be able to figure out what will work for making those connections or not. The Lord promised us that he would NEVER leave us. Keep your eyes on him...He is our strength when we don't have any left.
Hugs,
Veronica
Trisha, I think that's awesome, that your MOPS friend was that compassionate and sensitive! Don't you wish we could surround ourselves with people like that? I'm thanking God for her tonight. :)
I hope you have a better month in September. Stress isn't good for TTC, and it sounds like you've had your share. We'll keep praying for you, and your family as you struggle through this time.
God bless you, sweetie.
I am so sorry to hear about all that you are dealing with this week. I will continue to pray for you and your family.
Rachel
Trisha - I am sorry for everything that you are going through right now. I will pray for you and your family - and that you will know and do what is best for you regarding your reconnections.
As for TTC - I will be thinking/praying all weekend.
Thinking and praying constantly,
Angie
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