I remember that song being really popular around the time that Nate died. Every time I heard it I kept thinking that no one can even come close to knowing what a bad day is until they've lost a child. I don't think that I will ever forget that song because it had such a profound meaning in my life.
Yesterday, I had a really bad day. It's been a long time since that's happened. I can't even remember when it was. But yesterday, one storm after another kept hitting me:
- Summer's almost over (my favorite time of year -- I hate the FALL)
- School registration with tons of people ... most of which just ignored me like last year
- Pressure to re-connect with family
- More pressure to re-connect with family
- Kids singing songs about how much they miss their brother in heaven and wish he could come home
- Kids praying at dinner for God to give us a new baby
- Medical procedure looming over my head for next week
My whole world turned to darkness and I couldn't find an inch of blue sky anywhere. It was hard to be in that place again. It was the same place that I was for months after Nate died. It's weird how the good days get better but the bad days never get easier. They are the same as they were a year ago. Down in a deep dark pit with no light and no hope. It's so hard to climb out. It's so hard to have faith when God says No to everything you ask for. It's so hard to keep fighting for happy when you don't have any energy left. I can't even count how many times I just broke down and sobbed yesterday.
Today was better. A fresh start. I took my kids and we spent the day at the beach. It wasn't a great day but it was a good day. Much better than yesterday. I suppose that I get stronger every time I have to climb back out of that pit. I haven't had to do that for a while so I forgot how far down it is. I hope that it's a long time before I go back there again. I don't like it there. I want to be where the blue sky is.
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13 comments:
Still praying for you!!!!!
Praying for you and praying for blue skies for you....My heart hurts for you....
I'm so sorry that yesterday was so bad and that you were bombarded with everything all at once. But I'm so thankful that today was better and that you got to get out and do something fun with a friend. Still praying for you...
On a totally different subject, not to compare this to the loss of a child, I remember a pain in a similar way. My husband left me and it was a horrible experience for me. It took so long to move forward. Then when I started to move forward he came back, only to leave me again. This happened several times. My point is this, I remember that each time he left the pain was deeper than the time before yet I was able to move on faster than the first time. Each time the pain was unbearable but shorter and it made me stronger. I hope I didn't offend you in any way, I just felt like I understood what you said. I am so sorry for your pain and the journey you must take.
Sweet girl, our "Yes's" are coming! I pray for that every night, that we have this wave of "Yes's", and this bloggy community is overwhelmed with so much good news. Gotta believe, Trisha. It's gonna happen!
Always praying for you... :)
Trish,
I am so very sorry that you had a bad day. I am still here and praying for you and your family. It is so hard to have faith and just wait for God's timing. That's where we are too right now, and to be honest with you, it sucks. Hopefully you don't have another bad day for a long while,
*HUGS*
Cheryl
Trisha, I'm so sorry for your bad day. It's a little crazy to know that we could be doing so well for a while and then BAM....have a bad day. The triggers vary so that sometimes we just never know what will bring it on. I hope you have bluer skies today sweet friend.
I am so sorry you're having one of "those days". They flat out suck.
I'm not going to go into the whole "God has his timing" speech because that doesn't help, at least, not for me... When I'm ready for something to happen, I wanted it to happen 5 minutes ago!
But here's a little food for thought... (And I know it's a small consolation) Maybe God isn't telling you "No", to everything you want, maybe he is just saying "Not now". Both stink, but "not now" is a lot better than "no". Praying this is the last month God makes you wait.
I truly hope next month is your month. I'm keeping your family in my prayers, and praying for the health of your sweet new baby before he/she is even conceived...
I know how bad that day was for you. I am praying that better days are ahead and that you don't have to be in that place. It royally sucks. God, please let Trisha get pregnant already. Please?
I just found your blog. I spent the past hour and a half reading about your remarkable family and your little angel. I have so much I want to say to you that I don't even know where to start. I would start with I am so sorry but sorry feels so inadequate and trite. Maybe if I tell you how your story has made me feel, sorry will seem less trite. I had to walk away from the computer several times because I was crying too hard to read. As I read the emails from Nate's hospital time I wished I had known you then so that I could drive your older kids to the hospital and stay with them at home so that you all could have just one thing that you did not need to worry about, and so that I could sit and be with you when you were too tired or frightened to vocalize all the thoughts, sadness and fears you had and you could feel no pressure to speak but feel some semblance of strength from another person bearing witness.
I have more I would like to say to you but I am afraid I have rambled too long and I am not sure that the comment section is the appropriate place for them. However, I would really like you to know that as for some timeline for grief there is none. How dare anyone presume to tell someone how to feel. Regarding your post about someone being hit but a truck, well I was hit by an 18 wheeler, on a motorcycle and I would voluntarily do it again, in an instant before suffering grief. When people say you should be over it I pray that you will comfort yourself in the knowledge that either 1) They are misinformed or unfamiliar with what grief really is and they are truly concerned for you (albeit in an unhelpful, annoying way) 2) They are so selfish that their inability to handle adult emotions translates to you needing to be done with being sad or 3) They have actually been abducted by aliens and left pods in their former place.
If you are up for it, I would love to tell you more! You are all in my prayers and I honestly hope that the alien thing made you laugh just a little!
I am sorry you had such a bad day. Why is it that the good days get better, but like you said the bad days don't? I find that the bad days are fewer than they were in the beginning, but are worse when they happen...they hit me like a ton of bricks.
I hope you don't mind that I listed your blog on my Angel Albums blog under helpful blogs. I think people will find much needed information on how to help those close to them who have lost a baby. You are a beautiful journalist and others will find comfort in reading your words.
Thanks for your honesty. I had a bad day over the weekend myself. I think you're right about being stronger for having had to climb out of the pit so many times. I have been telling people that it seems like God's 'NO' button has been stuck on repeat! Sorry that it feels the same way for you as well.
Hoping for many more blue skies soon!
Oh girl, I'll be praying for God to bring you peace and comfort..along with a new baby.
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