My last post has gotten me thinking a lot about this season of life that I am in. It's a new season. One that I've never experienced before. One that I had hoped that I never would experience. But...I am here.
For many years, I was proud of the fact that I had so many friends. I had a group of friends from MOPS that I had so much fun with. We would have girls nights out, play bunco and would share our weekly experiences every Friday at MOPS. I had a group of friends from church. I was a ministry leader there and got to work with a lot of people. I invested a lot of time and effort in my community service ministry and thought that I was making the world a better place in doing so. I had a group of friends in my neighborhood. I would enjoy playing outside with my kids and talking to my neighbors. We had movie nights in the park, block parties and camp outs together. I had a group of friends from my kids school. We would do play dates and birthday parties together. I had a group of friends from my kids sports. We spent many hours every week socializing on the fields and doing fun stuff with our kids. I had friends from high school and college that I've known forever and would regularly get together with. I thought that I had a lot of friends. For goodness sake, I sent out 150-200 Christmas cards every year.
Last year, I sent out about 20 Christmas cards. I mostly handed them to people that were spending time with us last December. I only wanted to give them to the few people that were keeping us from drowning. I ended up giving them to a couple of family members as well, but I didn't want to.
So in 1 year, I went from having 200 friends to 20. That's a season that I never envisioned for myself. Luckily, I have made many new friends since then and will have more to send out this year. But, I don't think that I'll ever send out 200 Christmas cards again. I think that I define friendship differently now.
A few weeks back, I ran into someone at a party. This person used to be someone that was on my Christmas card list. We used to be in a bible study together but now we just see each other once in a while at other people's parties. I mentioned something to her about not having many friends left after Nate died. She got defensive and said that she still considers us to be friends. As I thought about it I was bothered. I guess we are friends because we aren't enemies. But is that really a friend? Someone who isn't an enemy. Is that how God envisioned friendship? That's not how I envisioned friendship.
When Nate died, I thought that my friends would run to my side. I imagined them dropping everything and helping me through. That's what happens in the movies so that's what I expected. I did have one friend that dropped everything, but that was it. A couple of them helped out the first week but then I didn't hear from them again for a long time. Everyone else pretty much just went on with life as usual. Most brought us a meal but after that box was checked off their list, they checked out. Some of my friends from college didn't even take the day off work to come to my son's funeral. I don't want those types of friendships anymore. I don't want to be that type of friend either. In this season of life, I would prefer to have 5 really good friends than 200 fun friends. It's easy to find friends to celebrate with. It's not easy to find friends to mourn with.
WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #663
2 days ago
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11 comments:
All I can say is amen.....I have yet to hear from ANY of my friends from before my pregnancy with Noah....NOT ONE....Now that we have lost him, we have become this train wreck that everybody cranes their necks to see but no one bothers to help and then they talk about it once they pass. At least, that's how it feels. I never really had that many friends to begin with....But now I really feel alone. It would be nice to have someone just come and sit with me and cry wtih me....or even just have no fear to even CALL me....but because I "sound sad" they just leave me be....I don't even get emails....and how do you figure that one?
I'm sorry that you have had this experience and I'm sorry that a lot of your friends didn't step up.....It's unfortunate. I'm glad to know that you do have some friends who have been there for you. It helps so much, doesn't it...
it's so amazing, God's timing...i read your posts and almost laugh out loud at the comparison of our lives. I said this very thing about the food being dropped and then they run...just 2 weeks ago! It's been in the forefront of my mind since. I even took it to confession and was given some pretty good direction on it and have since been able to let SOME of it go. (i mean, i'm a woman and a human..it's not in our nature to LET GO!) :)
I shared that i felt like these wonderful people who gathered to help us with meals for the first 2 weeks after we lost Cana, it's like they were just feeding our TUMMIES...and while i can see that is scriptural, gathering at the table in communion WITH each other, we were still left to feed our souls...without them. Many just dropped it at our DOOR, literally. They did not want to come in..maybe because they were respecting our space and the mourning process. but i'm sorry there is NO RIGHT WAY to get thru this. I say REACH OUT and let the other person show you what they need. Don't sit back and say "if you need anything, call..." Most times, we WON'T call. We already feel like a burden to the world with our GRIEF and TEARS. Why would we voluntarily bring that to you?
I've had some VERY VERY close people say to me "call me sometime" just recently. NOT ONE PHONE CALL FROM THEM IN 10 MONTHS! but if they see ME, it's "call me sometime." Are you KIDDING ME?
Keeping in mind with your drowning/water vision...during the pregnancy, we felt like we were dumped off on some island in the middle of nowhere, and we were floating off into the distance. Many many people waved us farewell from THEIR shores. But once we were out of site, we were gone from their thoughts. The regular sunday feeling was that if they saw us, we got the usual hugs and "i'm praying for you" lines. But i'm sorry..your words of intention mean nothing without action.
So please (and i know i'm using your blog as MY sounding board now...forgive me) ...please people who know people who are grieving, PLEASE don't add to our list of "to do's" with another "call me." We can barely keep our heads above the water....
Great post and I have so many of the same feelings....
I had never given it much thought before until you talked about your friends and family not being there for you but it made me take a step back and take a look at those who haven't been there for us too. It's shocking.
We had quite a bit of support after Carleigh's diagnosis and after her birth. Family and friends reached out, whether they felt led to or out of obligation. Either way I appreciated their efforts. But now that it has been 4 months the support is not being felt.
I hate, hate, hate when people say "If you need anything call me/let me know." Why do they say that? Don't they know I'm never going to call them and ask them for something? And that's what most people did. They said their 'required words' and that was it. You know, my online friends have been better friends to me than those who have been my friends IRL for years.
Family hasn't been much better either. Yeah, I know it looks like we are ok and most of the time we do pretty good but gosh darn it we still miss her so much and we still hurt that we had to let her go! Don't forget her and don't forget us!!
I know almost all of these family and friends do not know what the loss of a child is like. They can't possibly understand. I wish they could but I can't make them. I guess it's something you can never really know until you've walked that road. So I am choosing to forgive their ignorance and praying that maybe they will open their minds.
Perhaps I should post something about this in hopes some of them may read it and understand.
I find it interesting that when you talked to the lady at the party about not having many friends since Nate left that she still considered you friends. I don't see that as friendship either. Friendship is supposed to be so much more. It seems it has lost its meaning. How sad.
I totally understand about the friendships. I lost my phone not too long after we buried our son and I decided that the only numbers I needed were from friends that called me. No mass e-mail asking people for their numbers, if they called I saved it, simple as that. I'll now call them out of the blue too but it really helped me to see which friends were there to stand by me.
Like in your drowning post (which is so true and well put by the way) there are new people that have come into our lives and helped us out, but it's interesting to see which friends have stuck it through the tough times with us. I too have an old friend that got defensive when I pointed out how alone I felt... it still hurts. You're right, she isn't an enemy but I don't view her as a friend anymore... and now I second guess the friendship we had- was it simply one sided to begin with?
I will never forget the friends that drove from Pa. to Arlington to attend my husband's burial there. I didn't know they were coming and when I saw their faces I saw their wonderful love and I was in tears from that pure love. My friend from high school and her husband drove from upstate NY to be there. Each one of us needs to remember how much our presence matters. I went through the cards that were sent to me awhile ago and found one from a friend of a girlfriend that was sent to me that I am sure I never acknowledged and I went to her and thanked her because it meant so much to me and blessed me - 5 yrs later.
Sometimes God takes us apart - in many different ways - so that we can "be still and know that I am God."
I am new to reading your blog, and I am very thankful I stopped by. I am going to link up to be a follower.
To begin, thank you for sharing your heart, and your story with all of us in blogging land.
I too, have lost a baby.. actually quite a few. I, too have thought and experienced the same things. And it is hurtful and hard.
But the real reason I am writing is to be brutally honest--- with myself..
I have a friend whose husband has been diagnosed with cancer. We have been friends for 20 years.
I was there for her through thick and thin,, night and day,, for a while...and it has been a year now. He is doing better, but she is still hurting.
I am not there for her as I was in the beginning, and your blog was a blessed reminder and nudge for me to again pursue HIS purpose-- to Comfort one another - her. Just like it was yesterday.
Your blog will touch so many,, in many different ways.
Please continue to write as your heart finds His Love filling those empty spaces, because we all know HE will never fail us.
Thank you.
I'm convinced that God wants us to be there for each other. After all, we are ONE BODY in Christ. We are brothers and sisters.
Proverbs 17:17 NIV
A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.
But, because we live in a fallen world, we fail each other. Even if that wasn't our intention.
Even my close friend, whom I trusted, he who shared my bread, has lifted up his heel against me. Psalm 41:9
And maybe sometimes, even though it's painful, it's better that those friends get weeded out.
Proverbs 18:24 NIV
A man of many companions may come to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.
Just some thoughts... I think it's really interesting and definitely worth noticing that the LORD chose to give each one of those verses to us. They're so different from each other yet they all talk about friends. He knows that we need friendships, that's why He created them for us. But He also knows that we're human and we'll fail and that ultimately we need to depend on Him.
I hate that you've had to go through all that you've had to go through. I hate that on top of the pain of losing Nathan, you then had to go through the pain of losing so, so many of your friends. People that you thought were close friends that would be there for you. It added insult to injury.
But I am so thankful that God has made some of those old friendships stronger, restored some broken ones, and given you quite a few new ones. To God be the glory!
I am so sorry for your loss and your pain. I have never lost a baby but after reading your blog I will now be much more sensitive to those that have lost someone they love and long after the fact. I am praying for you and your family and that you will get to turn your grief around and minister to your husbands family as they are about to lose a father and grandfather...it will be your turn to give and I know after what you have been through you will step up to the plate with God's help. Your blog has touched me.
Wow! The post was amazing, and the comments are blowing me away! Trisha, that comment from September is leaving me with goosebumps - you have reached across the chasm and made a difference. I can't stop smiling for that. :)
I think we've all been where you are. One of my closest friends said, right after we lost Leila, that this is the time we will see what our friends are made of. Very prophetic of her. She is still one of my best friends, always ready to listen and support me any way I need it. The OB nurses continually check up on me, and pray for me. I'm surrounded by wonderful, Godly people.
But those from my church have disappointed me. Even the pastor, who showed up at my door, unannounced, an hour after I got home from the hospital. To say he was unwelcome at that particular time is an understatement. Since then? Nothing. His wife has been through a 16-week m/c, and she has yet to even acknowledge me (they've been shepherding our church for about a year now). Friends, close friends, have thrown out that "if you need anything" line.
What I take from this experience is I will never let anyone I know go through this without my taking an active role in support. I sometimes wonder if that's why my daughter is gone, so that I can experience this and help someone later, down the road.
Sending you hugs, Trisha, and support from across the miles. Loving you.....
Trisha, I haven't been reading as faithfully as I'd have liked since you "found" me but am taking some time tonight to scroll through your archives.
I just wanted to say that each post I've read tonight has blessed me in a profound way. I know that you will continue to help me heal, across the months and mile.
Thank you.
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