I often listen to Dr. Laura on the radio. In fact, I've been listening to her for 19 years and even met her at a book signing 7 years ago for her children's book Where's God. On the show today, a caller was asking for advice on how to deal with her family. It was a completely different situation than mine but her response helped me understand what is likely happening in my life.
The caller was dealing with a major illness and though she was handling it well, her family was avoiding her. Dr. Laura told her that often times people in close relationships often feel a sense of relief when they realize that they aren't the ones that have been faced with a tragedy. That sense of relief often times causes them to feel guilty. Then, as a result of the guilt, they move into avoidance mode. So:
Relief causes Guilt which causes Avoidance
This must be why so many of us are dealing with our tragedy's without support. It made perfect sense to me. It seems like everyone in our family either has a new baby or is pregnant. This may be why I never hear from them. This may be why they avoid me. It's not the right way to handle it but it might be an explanation for their behavior. Maybe...just maybe it's not because of me. Maybe it's because of them.
WEDNESDAY HODGEPODGE #663
2 days ago
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6 comments:
I think what Dr. Laura said makes sense. My cousin who had her baby in May had a tremendous amount of guilt both while she was pregnant and after she gave birth. She felt guilty for having a healthy baby and I didn't. She even went as far to tell her mom that she had thought about giving her baby to me. Wow. That's sure a lot of guilt. She was also one of 2 people that held Carleigh at the visitation besides me and Anthony. I recently met my cousin's baby for the first time and he sure was cute but he's not my Carleigh. She's the only baby I could ever want right now.
This could be a really good explanation on why people avoid. Doesn't necessarily excuse it though.
Makes sense to me. I think this probably applies to certain people in my life, but the others?
I really think it's more because of what you posted in your "Drowning" post, about people not wanting to be 'uncomfortable'. I think today's culture is so radically different than generations ago regarding discomfort & death. We do everything we can to avoid both!
Trisha, I think what Dr. Laura said makes a lot of sense. I think it's probably natural to feel guilty if you're not the one who has experienced a loss. You don't want to make things worse, so you just stay away. It doesn't make it right to abandon a person, but I can see how avoidance turns into abandonment. I think the bottom line really is that grieving is not something all of us talk about openly. Not many people know how to support someone who is grieving so they choose the easy road and just leave the person alone. In the end, I think you're right. It has more to do with them than you.
I have learned so much just by reading your blog and seeing things from a different perspective. I know what you're sharing here is having an impact on someone else out there because I know it's had one on me.
It is because of them, they dont know what to say, so they avoid. I hope with time they come around. ((hugs))
No way it's because of you. Don't even go there!
That was an excellent response from Dr. Laura.
Glad you posted that, hopefully it will help others to understand why they are alone in their pain. Maybe too it will help those who have pulled away to see how at fault they are.
Hi, I just started reading your blog earlier this week and find myself coming back every day.
I think the doctor is right, maybe some people are avoiding you because they feel so guilty, and are afraid to rub their happiness in your face. I would also say, perhaps some people are terrified to say the wrong thing to you so they say nothing at all. I had a friend whose father died, and she hated the phrase "I'm sorry." It made me hesitant to ever say it to someone who is grieving because of how much it offended her. Maybe others feel the same with you, not knowing whether to mention him or to talk about something else, to say sorry or not...so they stay away so they won't put their foot in their mouth.
This is a great thing you are doing here because perhaps it will make people think twice about how they speak to a grieving person and to make sure they don't pull away. It's not easy to support someone, but worth it in the end.
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