finding JOY - Day 4

Choices...

In my quest for JOY, I am finding myself making different choices this week.  Until recently, I was not in a place that I was strong enough to make a choice.  I was simply a bystander in my own life and watched as it passed me by.  Sometimes, life and circumstances would push me under water.  Sometimes, I couldn't breathe.  More often than not I was drowning.  But I wasn't able to take control.  I wasn't able to save myself.  But now, I am.  Now, I am strong enough to stretch myself.  Now I want and am able to demand more of myself.

So as I travel through my experimental week.  I am discovering that I am making different choices as I run into obstacles.  I see them as a road block and I recognize the power that I have surrendered to them.  I have let my obstacles determine my fate in many, many ways.  This week, I am choosing differently...

• I HATE the party stores this time of year but needed to find an army hat for my sons army costume.  Yesterday, I had a few minutes before school pickup so I ventured in.  I quickly found the hat and made my way to the register avoiding the majority of the halloween decorations.  But one caught my eye.  It was a tiny skeleton hanging on the wall.  I tried to look away but I couldn't.  As my eyes fixated on this image, I couldn't help but think that it was about the same size as Nate.  I pictured Nate lying in his coffin and determined that this was what my son now looked like.  I was tempted to pick up the skeleton and hold it.  Just to see what it felt like.  For a moment, I stood there.  I wanted so desperately to hold something that felt like my son but I knew that if I tested those waters, I would surely go under.  I was not going to let this obstacle have control over my day.  I made a decision to take a moment to tell Nate how much I loved him and missed him.  Then I purchased the army hat for Noah and told myself that I was going to appreciate what I had and not what was taken.  The old me would have been visibly shaken with tears running down my face.  But this time, I walked out of the store with a smile and a new found confidence.

• I have only seen my husbands extended family once in the last year+.  It was at the funeral for my father-in-law.  On Tuesday, I ran into some of his family at Disneyland.  There must have been 25,000 people there that day and I had to come face to face with family.  It was uncomfortable.  I became unsettled.  But, I knew that this week I was not going down my old road.  I was choosing a different path.  I walked by with a warm hello and then excused myself politely with the explanation that I was in a hurry to pick up Shayna from school (100% truth).  The old me would have crumbled when when I unexpectedly ran into them.  I would have wondered what they were thinking.  I would have wondered why they left us in the middle of the ocean drowning.  I would have wondered why they didn't care about us.  I would have replayed the interaction a million times and let it ruin my day.  But this time, I did not.  I pushed it to the back of my thoughts and decided to let it go. 

• Yesterday, I ran into someone at school that used to be close with our family.  They were "there for us" after Nate died but got worn out and bailed many months ago.  Now when I run into them, I usually cower.  I turn into this little insecure, hurt and weak person.  I have allowed their rejection to have power over me.  This time... I didn't.  I politely said hello to which I received a hesitant and unquestionably uncomfortable hello in response.  The same thing happened two months ago at school registration and I let it ruin my day.  Not any more.  This time, I made a choice to acknowledge the disappointment and then move on.  I reminded myself of the new friends that I've made and how much they like me.  It's okay if there are people out there that don't like me.  Really...it's okay.

So, halfway through my experiment I can see the growth within myself.  The next few days will be a big test.  Halloween is approaching.  But my JOY experiment is giving me confidence.  I like who I am becoming.